Dishonest mother - what would you do?

[YBR]

We (DH, me and LO(5 months)) visited my parents this weekend. I discovered that my mother still smokes (found hidden cig packet so she's not open about it) but she's been making like she quit for years. My mum knows I hate smoking and blame that fact that she and Dad smoked while I was a kid for my year-round Rhinitus. I'm very upset that she's been so dishonest and that she thinks it's OK to risk my daughter's health.

I don't want to burn any bridges so I've not said anything yet; she doesn't know I know.

The part of me that is angry wants to ban her from seeing her Grand-daughter until she's quit, but then how will I be able to trust that she has if she says she has?

What would you do?

Grow the fuck up? As long as she doesn't smoke round you or your kids what is the issue. She obviously is aware of it upsetting you hence hiding the fags, but why keep hounding her?

I'd accept that my mother is an adult who has the legal and moral right to make decisions about her own life.

Fair enough in asking her not to smoke around you and your daughter but I'd say it's way out of proportion to ban her entirely from seeing her grand-daughter.

Wow... you come across as a little righteous and controlling. Smoking is legal, and she is obviously not a 40 a day around the baby. Plus you might be surprised to realise, she is an adult. You need to find something better to be upset about.

purleease...your mother is a grown woman and nobody's perfect. She's lying and hiding her smoking??? Let her live her life and she's not smoking around you. My mum smokes and not around me or the kids. Don't punish your mum over such a silly thing.

Are you sure it is not just the smoking that makes you want to ban their granny from bveing round them. Its just that the rest of your post seems to quite resentful toward her.

This is ridiculous and really not understanding of how addictive smoking can be.

When you were young, people didn't know that smoking around children caused rhinitis and other eye/ear problems. She was hardly doing it on purpose.

Even when the evidence built up that it's not great for children to be around cigarette smoke directly, many people were very much addicted and continue to struggle with quitting.

My FIL smokes and my children adore him, the idea of depriving them of their beloved grandpa who plays with them and swings them in the air and loves them just because he smokes the odd cigarette out of the house, or at work, is quite bizarre.

I agree with those who say you seem to be looking for an excuse to blame your mother, not just about smoking but for other things, I wouldn't centre this on smoking, especially as your mother is not smoking around you or your dd in the slightest.

When i stopped smoking I kept a packet of fags hidden in the drawer for years and years, just so that i knew they were there and if I really really needed one I could have one. just cos she's got fags doesn't mean she hasn't quit. Ans even if she does have the odd one, so what? the fact that they are hidden is obviously to keep anyone seeing them or being an influence on anyone else.

Well you wouldn't have known if you hadn't found the packet of cigs so I assume you couldn't smell smoke in the house or in your mum. Maybe she keeps a packet 'just in case', maybe she only smokes one or two a day.

Ban her from seeing her granddaughter? Seriously? You need to get over yourself.

Or maybe she smokes 40 a day. It's still none of your business.

Why were you going through her drawers?

None of your business what a grown adult does in her own home. YABU and precious.

(and if you only know shes smoking because you found a packet, how in the hell is she 'risking your DDs health'?)

If you confront her about it, she no longer has a reason to hide it. I guarantee the number she smokes will then rise. Keeping it a secret will, of necessity, mean she will not be able to smoke very often. Is this what you want?

As long as you can be sure she's not smoking with the child in the room then it's really none of your business.

Smoking isn't nice and I can understand your concern for your mum's health but at the end of the day it's her choice.

How is she risking your DD's health if she doesn't smoke in front of her? Your Mlother isn't a child and knows the risks. I'd keep her secret if I were you.