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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I should have heeded these red flags!

3 replies

paris100 · 09/05/2012 09:25

I apologise in advance if I'm having a bit of a rant - I will try to keep this short.
I think my husband (early 50s) has an issue with relationships. Basically, he has no friends. He originally comes from a town two hours away from where we live and has a couple of friends there that he meets maybe once or twice a year. They only keep in touch by email/Christmas cards. No calls, texts etc. He won't invite them to us to visit, don't know why. Nights out can only be arranged with these friends at least a few weeks in advance (by email). I've only met them once or twice in the eleven years we have been together (even typing that screams red flag).
He doesn't want to make new friends where we live as he says he is happy with the ones he has. So of course, where we live, he has no nights out etc etc.

His family are very close knit. There are several members of the family who I have never met (we got married 10 years ago with just a couple of witnesses as he said he was shy - didn't bother me at the time). Both siblings not in relationships (late 40s). They are civil to me when he visit (a few times a year). No calls,texts etc to me either, however, that doesn't concern me any more. DH calls his mother at least once a week, a lengthy phone call in which he tells her everything...what so and so in the office did, said etc etc. He doesn't share any of these things with me.

So his relationship with me...we have small children, the latest being a 5mth old. He barely talks to me unless it's something important, no affection whatsoever (cannot remember the last time I had a hug or kiss). Sex is non existent. We have a king size bed and both sleep at opposite ends. He has his back to me every night.

He often complains about having no time to himself. He goes to work, comes home, does children's baths (when asked) and that's it. He prefers to spend all his time gardening.

He won't talk about things, just goes all silent.

Sorry for letting off steam, but....this is not really normal is it?

OP posts:
captainmummy · 09/05/2012 09:33

So... you met when he was - how old? Late 30s? Maybe he was a bit set in his ways - did he have relationships before you?

He sounds like one of those old men from the 1940s, spending all day in the office/potting shed and only coming out for meals. Women then were a necessary nuisance, to prepare said meals and clean and suchlike.

So no,not normal unless he is stuck in the 1940s.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2012 09:35

I don't think it's all that unusual or abnormal for some people to be insular or introverted and have few friends. However, in a marriage, I think it's pretty catastrophic if there's no affection or communication. The two may or may not be connected but it's certainly not a good way to live.

Herrena · 09/05/2012 09:38

He does sound very very self-contained. It's not unheard of but people like this are a bit rare (so by that token, I guess, not normal).

Was he as introverted as this when you got married? The tendency of partners to retreat a bit (needing own space) when kids come along has been noted before, I think, so has he retreated more since they were born?

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