Don't know what to do?

[Tink37]

Hi I'm new to Mumsnet and wanted some advice and guidance about living with an emotionally abusive partner. I just want to list some examples of his behaviour as I am constantly questioning whether it is emotional abuse or not?? My family have grown to dislike him very much over the years, because of the way he talks to me, which has on occasion been very derogatory in front of the children and family members. He thinks because he works 12 hour shifts (I work part time also) that I am the one solely responsible for ALL housework, shopping, cleaning, etc etc. if we run out of something he will say 'it's pathetic' he will run his finger along shelves to show me the dust but never think of just picking up a duster to help out because he 'works 12 hour shifts and isn't doing everything at home aswell' . He is controlling with money, uses if to blackmail me, he is very socially awkward and doesn't have many close friends, Is jealous of my close relationship with my family, after arguments is very stubborn and will withdraw completely from doing anything to help with our children our home. Is this part and parcel of a long term relationship? Am under no illusion that relationships are all sweetness and light.

Does he work 12hr. shifts 7days a week? or just 3 or 4days a week?

I bet he's not working himself to a frazzle every shift, no job I've ever had was as hard as looking after children.

Either way he is being abusive, next time he runs his finger along anything to find dust tell him to finish what he started and put a duster in his hand.

No. He sounds immature and self serving, and like hard bloody work. Another child, albeit an overgrown, unpleasant, bully of a child.

Do I think he is abusing you? Yes.

What will you do?

The fact you are asking shows its not fair.
Explain calmly what you dislike and what you want him to change.
If he cannot consider this or try, then its an abusive relationship.
Sounds like he is a bully to me.

No, I'm sorry I can't do what you ask

I cannot advise or guide you how to stay with an abusive man

Also sounds like he is depressed or has aspergers or similar. If not, then he is just one of those selfish nasty men who thinks the world revolves around them. Tell him straight how you feel.

Have you seen this long running support thread ?

He's a bully and bullying should never be tolerated. It is not at all normal in any relationship, long or short-term to be subjected to a sustained campaign of aggression, victimisation and emotional blackmail. Listen to your family because they are the ones that love you. He doesn't. Make arrangements to get yourself and your children away from this horrible excuse for a man.

Thank you for your replies. Deep down, I know what I am living with and the fact that I've felt it necessary to get other peoples perspectives other than family on my situation.
As I tell my family, it isn't always like I've described, we do have so me really good times, it's just that when it's bad, it's bad.
My family say I have become immune to it, this way of life has become normal to me. I just don't want to break up our family.

Of course you have good times. Abusive men always alternate between good behaviour and appalling behaviour. It's a deliberate tactic to keep you wrong-footed, unsure of yourself, hoping you can change them, keeping them sweet, and making exuses for them 'just a bad episode' or 'he's in a bad mood'....

Your family are quite right. The only reason you are rejecting them and defending him is that he has conditioned you to think it's normal, and that you don't deserve any better than to live with a bully. If you left it would not be you 'breaking up the family', it will be his fault for treating his family like shit.

Welcome to mumsnet and I hope you find your spirtual virtual home somewhere on these various boards.

To answer your question Is this part and parcel of a long term relationship?

It is part and parcel of your long term relationship with a deeply flawed, socially inadequate, controlling and abusive man.

What will it take for you to get shot of him? Is your current home owned/rented in joint names? How old are your dc?

What you have described certainly sounds abusive. Your family seem very insightful and supportive, which is brilliant for you. I'm sure you realise that growing up in a family with such a controlling parent is damaging for your children, in terms of their understanding of relationship dynamics, adult behaviour etc.

The question for you now is - what do you want to do about this?

"I just don't want to break up our family."

If you have no DC, GTFO, there's absolutely no reason not to.

If you have DC, GTFO. Do you want them growing up with your H as a role model of how to behave (if they're boys) or that abuse is normal in a relationship (if they're girls)? Staying together in an abusive relationship is far more damaging for children than splitting up.

Every thread I've clicked on this morning I've said virtually the same thing.

Yes he's abusive. Yes, he's a twat. Yes, you do deserve better. No, it's not you. No,he won't change. Yes,it will escalate. Yes, you should leave.

Hi Tink. When you are in it there is so much "mind spaghetti" it can be hard to see the abuse from normality. There is usually just enough "good" to keep us hooked in and make us believe it's "not really so bad" and to keep us thinking that there is no option but to soldier on.

If you read nothing else I would highly recommend Why does he do that, inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. Do it with a pencil in hand.

keep posting as you work out what is going on in your relationship and what you need to do.

Your family sound great by the way...so many can't see the bad behaviour.

I wouldn't know what the hell to do first if I decided to leave? It sounds so dramatic and final.
I am a naturally bubbly, optimistic person, which is why I think I have been in denial I suppose for so long? I've imagined that he's not really that bad and that even now am thinking what I've written on my first post describes him only 50% of the time. My family ask me if I still love him and I honestly can't answer, I dont know?
I try not to compare my relationship to friends relationships but it's hard not to. An example being.... I'd gone to a friends house for lunch and she was saying how she should really go food shopping later that day as it was her only day off from work. So a little later on I said, listen ill get going so you can go shopping to which she replied, oh don't worry I'll wait till dh gets in from work he will come and help me with it later!! My immediate thoughts were, oh my god, there is no way that I would feel as if I could do that as the level of venom I would receive because I'd been 'off all day' and he hadn't, just wouldn't be worth it. It's events like this that make me realise my current situation isn't normal

If I were you (and I was , approximately!!)

I would find out what is going on in my relationship (see links on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1448224-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-number-8

I would start to observe what "fits" our relationship from these links.

I would assess my own and my children' possible outcomes from staying.

Then possibly read this book Should I stay or should I go (I have not read it yet).

Keep posting and gauging others reactions to what is going on.

Then decide, for now, what you will do for your own and your DCs sake.

Hope that's not too prescriptive.

Comparing relationships is natural...in a normal relationship you would go...well I wouldn't do that but I can do this. In your case you're just thinking "no it's just all down to me and i am so busy walking on eggshells to keep things as good as possible I couldn't risk asking for help".

PS Leaving does not need to be final...though it may be. You can prescribe a cure and see if he goes for it. I did this, my OH has not made any inroads into acknowledging his abuse nor fixing it but he could have done.....