Boyfriend split with me because i dont like to go places as a couple.

[Emmielu]

In all fairness, it shouldnt have taken him to end it to make me realise just how silly it is that i dont ask people to babysit DD for an evening for us to go to dinner. I kept thinking "he can wait till i've done this" or "he can meet dd first then after a few months we'll go to the cinema etc" How stupid is that? Since we met 6 months ago we havent gone out as a couple. Why the heck havent i done that?! We spoke (no we argued) today cause he feels that by ending it hes made a mistake. But hes unsure if he wants to give it another go cause he doesnt know how ill change my ways when it comes to going out places. We should be able to go out once a month at the least but we didnt. I know its my fault & i accept that its me that has to change this. I've left him to think on all of this. Now what do i do? If he says yes to trying again, where do i start when it comes to going places together without dd? I kinda feel really new to all of this when im not iykwim.

It doesn't have to be dinner, it can be bowling, or the cinema etc. Why have you never gone out as a couple ?

I dont know. Its always been him suggesting we even go just for lunch but i've always said no. I think i was making excuses but i dont have a reason to make excuses. It was things like "No im too tired." "I'll have to see about dd"

So how did the two of you meet? in your living room? Or your bedroom?
What have you done to be a couple, if you are never out? Never dated?

Maybe you didn't really like him/want to be with him?

Why else make the excuses?

Just a thought - sorry if it sunds harsh

Is this your first relationship since your dd's father? It comes across that you're quite unsure about how to live your life separate to your role as dd's mum. Presumably the idea was you'd go out when your dd isn't with you - either at nursery, with her dad, or with a babysitter. If you don't leave your dd with a babysitter normally perhaps you felt it would be too pressured? I wouldn't be able to relax on a date knowing I had left ds with a babysitter unless I knew he was totally comfortable with that idea.

You can see why he's bored, can't you? He might think you don't want to be seen out with him, too.

I'm intrigued as to how you met if you didn't leave your house. Did he come round to yours?

I agree with rubyslippers

I can't imagine really liking someone and not wanting to go out with them.

are you sad? you sound very matter of fact about it all (clearly am only going on a few words on a screen here though!)

do you think he is the one for oyu?

I'm intrigued as to how you can have been 'a couple' for 6months without going out as a couple, at all !

I know a lot of his friends & we went for a coffee while dd was at school. See there it is. When dd is at school im fine. So with having dd's godmother happy to babysit & dd happy to be with her godmother why on earth didnt i ask? I feel bad asking people to babysit dd so i can go out & i realise now (bit late) that i need to have a social life too. I need to be able to do things as a couple. All we spent the time doing was at eachothers houses watching films. We didnt see eachother every day. He works so it was usually tuesdays. Thats how bad it was. We had a regular day together. Rare occassions it was 4 days of the week. Cause he hadnt met dd that didnt help either.

Well maybe you felt bad about having to ask someone every time you wanted to go out. Not to mention that then means someone always wants to know how the date has gone!

But in reality, it sounds like you just weren't that into him. It's alright just to date casually you know, you did exactly the right thing by keeping him separate from your dd.

Maybe this man wasn't worth the effort. However, I think the real problem is that you think you're not entitled to be a person in your own right and that your only role is to be a good mother. It doesn't actually matter if it's a date, a hobby or just a evening kicking back and taking some long baths... you do not have to be on Mum On Call 24/7 and it is quite normal & healthy to take advantage of babysitters and maintain a life of your own. It's also a very good example to set to a young girl that motherhood doesn't mean life stops.

Thats something i do need to get over. I dont have to be on call 24/7. I do need a break from dd to be able to have a social life.

Yup - and that doesn't have to be a dating life. It's still important to see friends and connect to yourself. Don't feel pressured to date if you don't want to, but do make sure you have some fun! Oh, that includes 'alone time', if you want a wander round the shops, or a trip to the cinema, or a long walk - whatever you like. Don't feel guilty for taking the help that is offered.

Another vote for 'you don't seem to be that into him'. Is he the love of your life? Make time for yourself now, so that when you eventually meet the right man, be it him or someone else you are used to having people look after your DD and it's less of an issue.

Is it that you don't want to leave your DD? Some people are more attached parents than others, but you're right, you don't have to be on call.

Has the relationship ended just because you don't want to go out, or is it that he isn't the right man?

It seems to me you're scared of something - letting him get too close? getting hurt? upsetting your life routine?

If you like him enough, you have to make some room for him - currently you're not doing that, for whatever reason.

No, the going out as a couple is all it was. I do feel scared of letting him get too close. I don't know why.

If you've decided that you only exist to love and look after your DD, the prospect of being close to someone else (like leaving the house outside school hours) will play out like disloyalty or selfishness. Also, if your last relationship ended with being let down by a man, that'll be on your mind too.

It isn't disloyal or selfish to have a life of your own and, unless you're quite happy staying single for the foreseeable future, embarking on an adult relationship always comes with a few risks.

So when and where do you see him? You don't go out, you don't let him meet your dd so he's not coming to our house. How are you a couple?

In the end, if you were both happy with whatever arrangements you had it wouldn't be a problem but with him not happy you have to talk it throu and agree something that makes you both happy....or it's over

Well...on a very basic level, I would not be attracted to someone who just wants to sit in the house all the time and never go out. How dull and restrictive! I'd be bored in no time at all, and the relationship wouldn't last.

So what do i do about this? He's thinking on a 2nd chance. Dont know how long it'll be before he comes to a decision. Is it worth me trying to do something to make his mind up quicker?

To be honest, I'd let this one go. It sounds like it's all been a bit messy and difficult and you probably need a fresh start to the dating game. I think the idea of a 'second chance' just increases pressure on the situation, whereas what you really need to do is take some time and relax about the whole thing.

I am intrigued as to how you were a couple. What did you actually do for 6 months, if you never went on dates?

Is this a sexual relationship? Do you fancy him?

If you're serious about giving it another go I'd ask him out on a dare on Friday night and get your godmother to babysit
Then Saturday introduce him to your dd

Gumby - i was thinking the same idea. It shows i can do it.