I nearly did something really stupid....part of me wishes I had

[Rachyrachrach]

To try to cut a very long story short, 4 months ago my husband had an EA with a woman he works with. They were sending each other messages which were a mixture of raunchy and caring. I found out what was going on and lost my rag entirely. He moved out for a few days and stayed with her. He came home after 3 days and I agreed to give things a go. He swears that nothing physical happened between them (yes I know) and although I have serious doubts still I am trying my best to believe that he is now being open with me and to regain my trust in him.

We have just finished a course of counselling which has been helpful in terms of understanding why it happened, but one thing which wasn't addressed in counselling was our sex life (although we have discussed this between ourselves). This is something I've had an issue with for a while as I seem to want more sex than him and, to be honest, he's not ever so adventurous. It has been more of an issue for me since what happened, I guess because I'm really in need of physical reassurance that I'm loved, wanted etc.

Anyway, to the point of the thread. At the weekend I was out with a mixed group, some friends, some aquaintances. Eventually people drifted off and there was just me and another guy left. I've met him a few times but wouldn't class him as a friend as such. We were chatting and having a laugh and yes, I was flirting a little. He was very attentive towards me and when he went in for a kiss I responded. I went as far as going back to his place in a taxi, getting into a situation where some clothing had been removed when I stopped, apologized and went home.

I know I did the right thing in putting a stop to it and wish I could put it down to a response to the whole feeling rejected and undesirable thing which is an effect of what my husband did, however since then I've not stopped thinking about it. He made me feel so desired and attractive and wanted and I'm craving that feeling now. I feel so guilty about what I've done and I do genuinely love my husband and want things to work, but he doesn't make me feel like that. I don't know what to do. I just feel a bit of a mess at the moment.

Oh heck, you are in a bit of a pickle.

Have you a sister or close friend you could discuss this with? Did this happen because you are not sure of your relationship with your husband or is it because your marriage is really on the rocks?

Perhaps even professional counselling would help. I think you need to think long and hard about the why this happened, and when you are sure of the reasons take it from there. Good luck.

I'd have shagged him and dumped your 'd'h. Maybe not helpful but what you said in your op I would not still be in that relationship.

akaemmafrost - I've always said that I would never tolerate any form of infidelity, however when it happened, despite my initial response being that it was over, end of, I just didn't feel that I could actually finish our marriage while I still wondered whether or not it could work.

The thing is he is very affectionate and loving, just not very sexual. I do think he loves me, but I worry that it is more platonic love, whereas I'd be at it with him morning, noon and night given the chance!

I don't have any burning lust for this guy from the weekend, don't even fancy him that much to be honest. But I think I'm becoming a little bit obsessed with him purely because of the way he made me feel.

Before you even got to your almost one night stand i was wondering how you can move forward with your husband when you suspect he had sex with this woman but hasn't admitted it.

That poopoo is a question I don't know the answer to myself yet. I suppose I'm burying my head in the sand really. He swears nothing happened - well not quite nothing, he's admitted to a snog. I really don't know if I believe him or not. I want to, obviously, but there is definitely a nagging doubt. Doesn't excuse what I did though.

I understand, believe me. I put up with 8 years of various infidelity because I wanted to keep my family and my marriage together.

Knowing what I know now, I would do what I said in my last post. I don't mean to be over simplistic but to me know it really is that straightforward. I know others in here have had much success with moving on after I fidelity though.

Its very hard to believe he had an emotional affair with someone who he was sending sexual messages too, left you for them, lived with them for 3 days and only had one little snog. I can't see how its possible.

Can you ask the woman?

he hasn't admitted to shagging his OW even with counselling ?

dump your husband

find someone else who excites you, this man sounds like a fucking dead weight

I have sympathy where there is a libido mis-match in a relationship, but this man makes you feel like shit and then goes looking for a thrill elsewhere

I think you made a mistake forgiving him and believing his bullshit in the face of overwhelming odds, and this almost-shag is a symptom of that

I think sometimes that men with a lower sex drive than their partners' try to compensate by looking elsewhere. That initial thrill gives them the impetus and they can fool themselves their sex drive is as high as anyone else's.

You're really far more grounded than you're giving yourself credit for.

You worked out for yourself that it wasn't this bloke you were attracted to, it was the feelings he gave you about yourself. You did the right thing making your excuses and leaving. He knew you were married and was just riding his luck. Because you weren't even attracted to him, you'd have felt yucky straight afterwards.

I don't think the counselling was a success at all if your sex life wasn't discussed and your husband's lies about what happened with the OW went unchallenged. Sex and infidelity are two of the 'biggies' but it sounds like your counsellor stayed in safe topics such as the ubiquitous 'communication difficulties' that are the safe haven of lazy therapists.

If you want to stay in this marriage, it needs to change. Your H needs to be honest about what happened with the OW and you need to assert your needs in this relationship. It might be that your marriage has run its course and you both need to move on.

I think Imperial is right that your husband probably enjoyed the role of playing the sex fiend and it allowed him to pretend he had a functioning libido. There might have also been a bit of delusion that his low libido was down to you or the relationship, but of course that isn't the truth. Sometimes affairs like this are about punishing a partner for one's own inadequacies so in his head he could say his low libido was your fault, not his. Equally though, at least some of your own motivation for this episode with chancer man might have been punitive towards your husband, both for the sex-starved years when you stuck by him and the reward you got for it i.e. his infidelity.

Maybe choose a different braver counsellor and go on your own for some sessions?

He basically left you for her then came back? Whether he had sex with her or not, the fact he chose to go to her would've been the end for me.

He didn't so much leave me for her so much as I discovered what had been going on and told him to get the fuck out of my fucking house asked him to leave. He says that he stayed with her as he had no-where else to go in the short term. Either way it was an incredibly difficult thing to come to terms with and i'm still questioning my own motivation in taking him back.

The time that he was away was utterly miserable for me and my children and I couldn't bear the thought of living the rest of my life without him. Now however I'm questioning whether I can bear to spend the rest of my life feeling like this.

He spent 72 hours shacked up with the ow and only had a snog?

Hah! Clutches sides, doubles up. ROFL Tell him to tell it to the marines, honey.

You can't move forward until he comes clean. If you want the truth, get the the pressure washer out and stick the nozzle up his philandering arse - metaphorically speaking, of course not.

He could have chosen to stay anywhere, a friends house, a b&b. To go to the woman who you had discovered he'd been involved with was sending you a clear message and was completely inappropriate if he ever intended to save his marriage.

What made him come back?

He's trying to down play it by saying he "stayed" there rather then "moved in" there.

And bullshit that they only snogged.

He came back because I told him I thought we needed to talk and during those talks I agreed to take him back and see if we could make it work. At that point I was an emotional mess. I hadn't eaten since the morning he went, I'd barely slept and I felt completely worn down by the whole situation. I just couldn't picture my life without him in it and to be honest, I think if he'd told me at that point that he had slept with her I think I'd still have taken him back.

Putting all this in writing is making me kind of look at it all through someone else's eyes and I'm fully aware that I sound like a complete fucking doormat. Despite that there is still a large part of me that wants our marriage to work - I just don't know why at the moment.

Rachy, you may want the marriage to work but it is obvious he is not fully committed. If he was he would moved heaven and earth to make you feel loved and secure. He hasn't and he isn't.

He moved in with the ow when you threw him out, honestly this says all one needs to know.

How can you trust him when he is still not being honest? How can you move forward? Your husband will do it again. You will spend years looking over your shoulder, second guessing his actions and worrying about when the next affair. Why do that to yourself?

Why do you love a man who disrespects you and your relationship? You deserve so much better. You really do.

You don't sound like a doormat at all! Don't worry about that! I think its probably perfectly normal to reassess later once the shock has worn off.

What is the situation with the OW?
Perhaps she wasn't very "satisfied" when it came to it! and sent him on his merry way?
I think now you are way past the shock of the discovery, and the leaving, you are able to think more clearly. Your are right about your motives with this other chap, he did make you feel desired.
I think as others have said perhaps you need counselling on your own, your DH has not been 100% honest with you has he, will he ever be?