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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am at the lowest point of my life and relationship with DH is so awful now I can't think clearly anymore.

7 replies

Needsomedirection · 08/05/2012 18:47

I have name changed for this so please give me some honest but constructive advice.
DH and I have been married 20 plus years and have. 4 children , 2 older and 2 younger.
We have never really been happy. well I Haven't . despite telling him millions of times he always refuses to consider separation despite my pleading. I have begged him to talk about it. you will prob say he has every right to the house like me but I cannot leave with 4 children. he is not abusive or violent but he is not nice to me either He wants anything which provides him with an easy life. Is it so awful that I don't want to be married to him just because of the children . I'm so so unhappy and we resent each other now. I can't bare being near him and the children must pick up on this. There is no affetion between us but he thinks this is normal . his parents had separate bedrooms from their early thirties. we last had sex 2 years ago. When I mention this he says ok you want sex great so do I . if I had an affair he would still want to stay married . We met and married at 18 and are completely different people now in our 40s. I am so unhappy I come home and I drink all night and we now argue every moment in front of the children. I know this is so wrong and I should stop myself from being rude back but he just won't leave. he doesn't seem to care that I feel like dying. I hate so much seeing what we are doing to our children. I don't care about me but I want to move forward separately and it just will never ever happen. I have managed a fab job and brought up four beautiful children yet I can't manage to do anything about my complete lie of a life. I know it's getting awful because friends say how much weight I've lost and I can't concentrate at work now. I don't sleep and I only carry on for my lovely children. I don't have a friend I could tell all this too and my parents would run a mile.I have nowhere to go . he will never leave. I need the strength to chin up again and pretend for the sake of dc and this time I just can't x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 18:52

Start divorce proceedings

Why haven't you done that already ?

Yes, the house will probably have to be sold, but he will be made to support the children and you won't be thrown onto the streets

No-one is forced to stay married, really they are not

margerykemp · 08/05/2012 18:53

It sounds like he could be being emotionally abusive towards you so you may find it helpful talking to women's aid.

It sounds as though you really do need to leave. Why can't you take the children? You say you have a job, is it enough to pay to private rent a 3 bed flat until you can sell your house?

I don't think the status quo is good for your health or the DCs.

slavetosiamesecat · 08/05/2012 18:55

This sounds really hard for you and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Why can't you tell your friends or family? Have you thought about getting some legal advice and at least you know where you stand legally and financially. If you are drinking and so unhappy YOU need to do something. Can you afford to buy him out of the house or finacially manage on your own? It sounds as if the relationship is over but maybe he wants you to end it. You must speak to family or friends. Sending you a bug hug.

oikopolis · 08/05/2012 18:57

have you sought any legal advice? if not, make an appointment first thing tomorrow morning.

you can divorce him whether he wants you to or not, you know... and he can't just stay in the house if a court orders him to leave...

there's no need to despair, he can't force you into anything, get a good solicitor onside and you can get out of this marriage.

oikopolis · 08/05/2012 18:58

and by all means tell all your friends and family. make it embarrassing for him to continue as he is going. you don't need to cover up for him!

calypso2008 · 08/05/2012 19:00

just wanted to add my support and empathy OP, sorry you are going through this - you must try to be strong and help yourself - you will come out the other end.

StuckintheBellJar · 08/05/2012 19:05

You don't need this man's consent to live your own life. You do not need his permission. He does not get to decide whether or not your happy. It is not his decision.

Go and see a solicitor at the earliest opportunity.

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