Did you have a honeymoon period after an affair?

[GetTheeToANunnery]

A few questions, did you go through a honeymoon period? How long did it last? Did your relationship carry on as if nothing happened? Or did it all go tits p eventually?
Would really appreciate hearing some experiences of this.

I think you hit the nail on the head Madbout, working on your own self esteem will help this recovery so much more, I've already begun to see friends more and am going to start a keep fit regime working on my own securities and building them again.

Jinx I would also never get over it.

However, I've studied the psychology of hysterical bonding and that is not to do with 'getting away with it'.

However, a 'honeymoon period' is what are are actually talking about and I think that is something that is different for different people. And yes, for many, might be about stress release.

I think some of these posts about the hysterical bonding phase are based on some weird premise that sex is a rewarding pastime for men only and that faithful partners who have sex are 'giving it' instead of enjoying it and wanting it themselves.

I've known lots of couples build an even better relationship after an affair, but it's solely dependent on the self-awareness of the person who's been unfaithful because infidelity is very individual-based. Your partner needs to understand why he did this.

Apologies for the double 'however' there. Been writing too many repeatative essays!

I forgave my stbx two affairs. We also had "honeymoon" periods after each of these affairs. Looking back on it now I realise he ended up being rewarded for his actions.

Sorry but as a result of my experience I would always advise to leave. I followed a relationship book on surviving affairs. I wish to god I had never come across it.
I thought if I worked hard enough to forgive it would all be ok. He did no work at all other than booking nice holidays and weekends away.

Charbon - my take on the hysterical bonding phase is not based on anything that so sexist sounding, so apologies if it was taken that way!

It is the faithful partners (men OR women), who in my research (and one count of personal experience), feel incredibly horny and possessive of their cheating spouse and want to have sex to assert this. It is definitely is not the case that the betrayed party is simply 'giving it'.

To add to this...normality and reality generally resumes quite soon after this period.

Thanks for the replies, very interesting. Fortunately I'm not asking for myself, just a bit nosy and curious really. My best friend cheated on her partner, he found out and was obviously furious. Less than a week later they announced they are getting married and it's got me totally I know it's not really any of my business but it just got me wondering if this is a normal reaction. If I had been cheated on there is no way I'd be considering marriage so soon after finding out.

I really hope they can make it work, unfortunately I don't think it will as I can imagine her cheating again :(

gravy sorry to hear you're going through this right now. Seeing friends and keeping fit sounds like a great step towards working on your self esteem though :)

It sounds like madness. It is absolutely the worst time to make any decisions like that. He should be taking to time to let things settle and working out what he actually wants to do.

As for your friend, she needs to work out what made her cheat, before she even considers getting married to anyone!

Your friend's partner isn't thinking straight. Probably still in the 'pathetically grateful she's back with him' phase but I bet it gets nasty pretty quickly. Still... marry in haste, repent at leisure. Don't spend too much on a wedding gift will you?

For me there had been a lot of alienating behaviour and attitude, with a fling as the icing on the cake. I had felt abandoned by exH for ages and when I learned what he had done my first reaction was actually 'hurray - now I can end it because this is not a case of you did X so I yelled/criticised/was perfectly reasonable in my response to you'. ExH thought he could get out of the doghouse by almost physically bowing and scraping to me. All it did was show me that he could turn niceness on and off at will, and that told me that he had chosen the yelling and the criticism. Working backwards from the point of finding out about his infidelity greatly illuminated our relationship. There was no honeymoon period, more of a slow decline to the end. After a while, when I hadn't got over myself fast enough he began to show his true colours again.

OP, your friend's marriage announcement sounds like a "bandaid" wedding day

following on from what spring said, I always feel highly uncomfortable when the solution to bringing a cheating partner back into the fold is to work on the relationship by going on child-free weekends away and booking fancy holidays

rewards for bad behaviour...you wouldn't do it with a recalcitrant toddler so it's really not a good idea to do it with such a selfish and self-absorbed person as an adulterer...

At least its a band aid wedding and not a band aid baby.
Woman I knew found out her hubby was having an affair when he left her for the other woman, the other woman would not leave her husband in the end, so the cheating shitbag went home, she took him back as if nothing happened, stopped talking to everyone who had supported her when he left as she wanted to deny it had ever happened, and then they had another baby.... fast forward a year and he is gone shacked up with someone else and got a child with her, having nothing to do with Ex wife and now 3 kids

This has made some sense to me.

No experience myself but I thought a friend was mad to get her coil removed a week after finding out about her dh's affair.

Now it makes a bit of sense (not much though )

Getthee - crazy decision!! I wouldn't be surprised either if the marriage fails.

Crazy decision. If your friend's partner got caught out rather than confessing all, then there's no way she's a reformed character within the space of a week.

Her partner is probably blaming himself for why she cheated and she's letting him. But all the time she's deflecting the blame, she's not looking inwards. He can change himself and his behaviour till he's blue in the face; if she doesn't change hers it will happen again.

Pillarbox,

//
However, I've studied the psychology of hysterical bonding and that is not to do with 'getting away with it'.
//

Perhaps on paper but it seems very much like getting away with it from where I'm standing.

People are strange. One of my oldest friends cheated on her husband for years, then found out he was having an EA. She went spare as she had always been convinced her husband loved her more than she loved him. Fast forward 18months, they have another baby and she's back to questioning whether she loves him or not. As her friend, i just can't bring myself to point out that she won him back to 'win' against the OW. It's horrible.

Jinx - maybe you are right. I'm just a sample of one!

People are strange//

Absolutely, I admire councilors and psychologists... I don't think I would be able to listen and be understanding to things like... My hubby cheated 3 weeks ago so we are getting married or we are now trying for another baby...

I don't get that sort of stuff...

charbon the weird thing is that she's actually accepting all the blame for the affair, but now she wants to totally change loads of things about her personality that might have led towards her cheating. I feel it's great that she wants to improve on herself but I just don't know if she can or should change herself iykwim?

She's right to accept responsibility for her affair OP because regardless if there were problems in her relationship, an affair wasn't the answer and would never have fixed them. But to be honest, if she was really committed to that personal change, she would not have consented to getting married before starting that process. As her friend I would suggest she gets some therapy on her own and puts the brakes on any wedding plans until she is sure she's ironed out the reasons in her personality that led her to be unfaithful.