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Original poster

Dilemma!

24 replies

3GirlsMum · 01/12/2003 19:49

Following on from my previous thread... We have stepson for xmas and MIL has arranged for him to arrive at her house from the minute we have arrived. The problem is this, we only have a five seater car and DH and I have three children together already. We have an arrangement to go see my dad (for the first time in 2.half years!) on one of the days SS is there. Obviously we cant all fit in the car and my dad doesnt live close enough to pick any of us up! Dont want to upset BM (she will go mad and huge argument will erupt between her and DH as she is working and its convenient for us to have SS) or SS but dont know what to do about this!

Should add that DH hadnt made any definite plans with his ex yet, its his mum that has!

OP posts:

SimonHoward · 01/12/2003 20:28

3girlsmum

Maybe you should point out to your mum the practicallities of the trip and ask her to take SS as she is the one that has arranged it all.

That way if she says no it is all her problem not yours.

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 01/12/2003 20:31

Its my DH's mum and I did suggest to my DH that he could ask her to have his son for the day, which he did and she said "oh he will be disappointed"! The only thing is if my DH's ex hears of this we will be accused of excluding my SS and in turn I dont want SS to think this is the case. No matter how we try to approach this I know that the BM will be unhappy. Had we a bigger car he could have gone along but we dont, only a normal five seater!

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mckenzie · 01/12/2003 20:35

could you get to your dad's house via public transport instead perhaps? Sure it wont be full service over the holidays but mgiht that work?

Or could your dad come to you instead?
Or could you check out hiring a bigger car for one day (expensive solution but might be worth it)?

aloha · 01/12/2003 20:38

Would it be at all possible for your dad to come to you? Or for your dh to pick up your dad and drive him down to you all for the day? This seems to me by far the most practical solution and involves the fewest people travelling. You appear to be staying quite close to him so the journey shouldn't be a problem. If it is awkward having him in your MIL's house (though can't think why it would be) perhaps you could all go out to a nearby pub within walking distance for lunch (a brisk walk is very Christmassy!). Or get a taxi. Or get a big taxi (people carrier) to take the whole family over to his home. I doubt it will be very expensive.

aloha · 01/12/2003 20:41

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 01/12/2003 20:45

No definitely cant ask dad to come to me. His puppy has just had a new litter of puppies and apparently they have to be there with them all the time. I have no clue having never had puppies myself whether or not this is the case but have been assured by my sister that it is as puppies need a lot of attention! So unfortunately as practical as it would seem that idea is out of the window as well. Definitely isnt close enough for public transport as it would take ages to get there by that route and with it being christmas cant afford the cost of hiring the cost for just one day (looked into a people carrier for the day and its very expensive!). Wondering what else can go wrong on this trip already..lol!

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Original poster

3GirlsMum · 01/12/2003 20:46

Opps I mean his dog has just had a new little of puppies!!

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janh · 01/12/2003 21:29

Hi again, 3GM. God, you'll be dining out on MIL tales for months!

I honestly don't see why your SS, who doesn't live with you and has no connection with your dad (does he even know him?), should expect to visit him. I just don't believe "he will be so disappointed" - she hardly ever sees her grandson - her not spending some time with him on her own might disappoint him a bit.

Bet you end up doing 2 trips in order to take him along. The more I hear of your MIL the more I want to slap her!

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 01/12/2003 21:46

Lol Jan...yes plenty of MIL tales. I dont think she really means to be so thoughtless....no on secondthoughts maybe she does. She has always been very controlling and up until now I thought she had realised I wouldnt put up with it!!!

No my SS has only met my dad on a number of occasions, has no relationship with him whatsoever and TBH think he would just be bored being there. The only reason he will be disappointed is because he will think he is missing out on something.

I have suggested to DH this needs to be sorted out prior to the day otherwise he will get it in the neck from his ex. I suggested that when he speaks with her to arrange when SS its coming round he words it in such a way that SS is free to visit whenever he likes apart from....then the day in question...but even though we arent there his grandma says he can stay with her the day if he wants. Is this unreasonable?

Whilst looking forward to christmas I am dreading it as well..you couldnt write a better book. My DH's brother has just announced he is gay and has a boyfriend (split up from his wife 3 months ago), his wife tried to commit suicide and then we have my DH's ex to contend with as well!!! Well somethings for sure...there will never be any quiet times this christmas!

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Blu · 02/12/2003 09:56

Sorry 3GirlsMum, I am a bit new to this, so forgive me if I'm missing some important details, BUT reading it for the first time, I notice that more currency seems to be attached to how BM/Dh's ex will react and lay into DH, than SS's feelings.Would suggest that you ask MIL how she suggests you plan it, and what SS might enjoy most. It seem very sad to divide the family up if SS enjoys being with the girls...on the other hand, what about a big treat with his grandma and dad while you go to your dads?

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 02/12/2003 10:03

Sorry Blu I think you need to read my post again. The problem is 5 seater car six people. As for asking MIL, you must be kidding she is arranging my xmas enough already without letting her take over even more! Also, its not all about what SS would enjoy most, we have three other children to take into consideration as well.

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roscoe · 02/12/2003 10:13

I take it the MIL is a bit of a control freak! I honestly don't see why SS should be visiting your dad. Surely your girls don't visit his bm's relatives? I think there's a limit to how many compromises you should have to make.

FairyMum · 02/12/2003 10:30

How many days are you spending over Christmas with SS? If it's more than a few days, the surely he can spend the day with your MIL while you visit your dad. If it's only a few days, then I don't think you should leave SS as he might feel left out. Can you not visit your dad another time? Sounds like this involves a lot of adults who like to create problems where there really aren't any, and from what I read (and read in your previous post) I think you are all guilty of that......

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 02/12/2003 10:35

I havent seen my dad for 2/half years! He lives 250 miles away from me and its not often I get the opportunity to see him as I cant drive myself, and DH works long hours, so of course I dont want to leave seeing him. We are down south for 8 days and SS is with us for 6 of those days.

How am I guilty of creating problems??? There is still the practical side, cant fit us all in the car.

Roscoe - he doesnt really know my dad and stepmum at all. Probably only met them less than a handfull of occasions and no my children never seen any of his BM's relatives, no reason for them to.

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roscoe · 02/12/2003 10:37

I think the girs might resent missing out on seeing their grandad, especially if it's their first visit in 2.5yrs. Surely dh should be sorting this out - or you will be seen as the wicked SM.

mears · 02/12/2003 10:41

I think MIL should arrange to take SS out specially for the day. They could possibly leave before you do. Haven'y read othet thread so don't know how old SS is. TBH, SS may well feel uncomfortable visiting a grandparent that is not his. Better to be with his own possibly.

Janstar · 02/12/2003 10:46

Ask MIL if she has any bright ideas of how to solve this problem. What's the betting she will wriggle out of giving you a straight answer?

FairyMum · 02/12/2003 11:04

If you are spending a week with SS, then I think you should go ahead and see your dad. Ask your MIL to take him for the day. I don't see the problem at all.

StressyHead · 02/12/2003 11:08

message withdrawn

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 02/12/2003 11:14

Lol...Jan good idea...maybe I should put that to her! Stressyhead I think it makes a big difference if your stepchild lives with you fulltime but as it is he doesnt know my dad anyway.

Mears good idea - will put it to his grandma, however since she hasnt had him to stay since February and makes no effort usually wont hold my breathe that she will do anything special with him. She has said he is welcome to stay there for the day which is something though!

Roscoe you are right, think the girls would be resentful and I am working hard to make sure that all the children get along and that no resentment is felt anywhere. Its very difficult trying to strike a balance where someone doesnt feel hard done by or left out.

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aloha · 02/12/2003 11:36

How close is your dad's house to your MIL in driving time? I wouldn't expect you to hire a car for the journey but if the MIL/ss thing doesn't work out, what about a taxi plus your own car? Have you any idea what that would cost? If he's with you for six out of 8 days might it not be possible to see your dad on one of the 'free days' - assume they are Xmas day and Boxing day so maybe boxing day?
Do puppies with their mother really need someone with them the whole time??? Kittens don't. And mummy dogs feed puppies so you don't even have to do that, surely.
It does seem that your stepson spending the day having some one on one time with his grandma might be the easiest option, as long as that doesn't leave him feeling left out, I suppose.

sis · 02/12/2003 12:40

If your ss doesn't know your dad is it possible that your dad will have presents for your children but not your ss and therefore, won't he feel worse if he comes with you but doesn't get a present? Sorry, not helpful, but another aspect of the whole issue to take into consideration.

Jimjams · 02/12/2003 13:40

Could you take your dds and leave your dh at home with his mum and ss. I know my dh would be more than happy to get out of a trip to see my dad

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 02/12/2003 13:43

Sis - yes my dad does have presents for the three girls but I could work around that anyway as they wont be opening them until christmas morning. Thanks for your post anyway.

Aloha - My dads is too far to take a taxi will cost a fortune and I dont have that at the moment with all the expenditure we have had lately! My MIL has made arrangements for xmas day and boxing day so to see my dad on those days wasnt an option and also he has arrangements as they also see my stepmums family over christmas so its a case of everyone working with each other to sort these days out.

Roll on next christmas..lol!

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