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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

being reactive

12 replies

springydaffs · 08/05/2012 13:16

I guess this fits in to 'relationships' ?

I'm going through some really awful shit at the moment and I have noticed that I am reacting to what can best be described as wind-ups - not conscious wind-ups most of the time but wind-ups nonetheless. I'm getting into trouble because I can't seem to help reacting to things that could probably be best dealt with another way (and would keep me out of the firing line tbh!)

I think I read something somewhere about being reactive ie not coming from a default position of reacting (to 'wind-ups' etc).

Anybody know what I mean?

OP posts:
antlerqueen · 08/05/2012 13:19

I think it's the wind-ups that are the problem, not your reacting to them.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2012 13:45

If 'not conscious wind-ups' means that you are taking offence too easily and being touchy or aggressivewithout good reason then that could be something you can work on. If you've heard of 'Pavlov's Dog'... where the dog was trained to salivate when it heard a bell... there is a way to condition yourself to change your reaction to particular stimuli.

If, however, the person winding you up is deliberately pushing your buttons, that may not be your problem but theirs.

springydaffs · 08/05/2012 20:46

an example today: I live in a university city and students are known for sauntering about the roads as if they own them. Today I was waiting at a zebra crossing on my bike as a hoard of them were dawdling across and I snapped 'TAKE YOUR TIME GUYS!' (they were foreign so smiled and waved..). this is a very small example of me reacting to a wind-up. I wouldn't normally reacte outwardly but would probably grumble inwardly iyswim: the fact that I am up against it means I am expressing my reaction.

Bigger 'reactions' are getting me in to trouble, in that I am saying what is usually not said and pulling people up on stuff that people usually let go. Legit stuff but it's not going down that well. I'm not aggressive about it but there is barely a pause between reaction and it coming out of my mouth. It's as if one of these wind-ups waggles in front of my face.. and I bite. It's that that I want to look at ie reacting , possibly a slower reaction time; or generally being in control of my reactions (not them controlling me?).

I assume something like this is addressed during eg anger management?

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foolonthehill · 08/05/2012 22:59

more probably stress management.
cognitive behavioural therapy can also be used to slow reaction times and allow different choices to be made..

foolonthehill · 08/05/2012 23:04

If I remember you correctly a little time to pray may also fit into your life??

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2012 23:10

An old one but worth trying is 'count to 10'. Consciously put a break between the stimulus ('wind up' is rather loaded) and your reaction. You may still end up saying or doing the same things but at least you've had chance to decide not to or think of an alternative.

Stress management and time management might be more help with irritability than anger management.

springydaffs · 09/05/2012 02:05

great, thanks Smile

advice is good too foolonthehill ie asking for advice (there's a proverb about that somewhere) (in proverbs I expect). the reaction time is so short I don't get time to pray tbh.

some great ideas here, thanks. Breaks it down. I don't want to get too self-conscious iyswim - literally, conscious of everything so I'm kind of stapled down - but some action is required here. A bit of consciousness-raising needs to be going on. Smile

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garlicbutty · 09/05/2012 02:21

Agree with all your replies so far, Springy, and will add 'one slow breath'. In CBT you learn to recognise that little jerk just as you're about to kick off. You can do this. If your reactions seem to be coming from nowhere - take the slow breath just in case! It will help you to notice the 'jerk' when you feel it. Then give yourself a second to evaluate your response.

I'll offer you two strategies I've learned for deciding whether to act on an impulse or feeling.

The first is from therapy: Is this feeling/impulse relevant, appropriate and helpful? Only do the action if it scores all three. It takes a bit of practice, but it's worth it imo. I do it all the time now, and am able to choose a different reaction (usually). Go me Wink

For example, the dawdling cyclists triggered annoyance. OK, that's relevant and appropriate but not helpful - you're unlikely to speed up the traffic, so let it go and twiddle your thumbs.

The second is from AA: Hand it over - to God, as you're a believer. It's extraordinary how much energy we waste getting emotional over things we can't control. As a matter of fact, handing it over works well for things we do control, as well - save the energy, and you're more likely to spot the solution as it appears. My advice is to practise handing it over as much as possible, while practising slow breaths :)

Ready? Off you go, then! All those slow breaths will improve your complexion, and your beatific calm will ease your stress lines. Let me know when you start seeing your results!

foolonthehill · 09/05/2012 08:45

also as it is a continuing problem put a coloured dot on your watch or back of your hand to remind you to breathe and take it slower. the prayer for regular times not necessarily in the moment!!

Lueji · 09/05/2012 08:57

It also may help to remember that people usually don't do things to spite you or wind you up and you aren't at the centre of the universe.

Eg those crossing slowly are at a different pace or simply can't walk fast.
Some empathy on your part may get rid of your "anger".

mummytime · 09/05/2012 09:15

But don't use this as another stick to beat yourself. If you are already under stress you will suffer "a sense of humour failure", if you are in pain you will have a tendency to "over react". It is a way of your body and you coping. If you are sitting on a volcano then little explosions will break out.

I would suggest trying to deal with the big things, and giving yourself time and place to "regain your centre", to find your inner peace. It may sound a bit hippyish, but all religions do include ways to regain calm in times of crisis.

Ultimately in times of stress something has to give, so if you don't find other outlets then it will be un controlled explosions and/ or effects on your physical health.

springydaffs · 09/05/2012 12:20

I'm not going to deny that eg the students were being irritating, Lueji. students dawdling about our city can be mighty irritating - it's the subject of many a rant round these parts - but I generally don't mind; they're probably first years, new to it all, taken up with their new life etc = irritating Grin (or foreign as in this case!). The mooching incredibly slowly across the crossing, with cars and bikes waiting, took the biscuit: it was irritating, I'm not going to deny that and I suspect the car owners said or thought the equivalent of 'take your time guys' in their cars, except nobody heard them. The main point is that I am reacting in a strong way - over-reacting - which is my concern.

Great posts, thanks. I am notoriously resistant to putting a lid on things iyswim, seeing that as as bad as holding forth. It's all about balance I guess, plus choosing your battles. And keeping your peace. And not sweating the small stuff. And not getting jerked about by life. And getting along to some CBT, probably Wink

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