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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why are families so bloody difficult?

6 replies

theressomethingaboutmarie · 08/05/2012 11:19

DH has three sisters; two are older by 20 years and one is approximately our age (mid-30's). One of his older sisters, let's call her T, is very much the family matriarch; she's forceful, opinionated, bossy but on the other hand, when not competing with others, can be very kind.

DH was asked to do a speech at his younger sisters wedding recently. FIL is elderly and did not want to do the speech so T's husband (so our BIL) wrote the speech. DH looked at this speech and didn't feel it was really him so livened it up a little and waxed lyrical about how lovely his sister looked, welcomed groom to the family etc. T then whines and bitches throughout the speech saying that it's not what FIL wanted, what was wrong wit the original speech etc. Now the interesting thing is that she didn't say ANY of this to DH, she just bitched to her sister and her husband at the wedding (we were all at the same table) when DH was not present. She has since ignored DH.

FIL's birthday was yesterday and T had spoken with me about DH, DD and I attending the birthday party at her house prior to the speech debacle. I added it to our calendar and told DH. She then spotted me in town last weekend and reminded me again. I told DH. The day of the party, I remind DH of the time and he says that as she has seen fit to ignore him for the best part of two months and hadn't bothered to invite him personally, he would not be going. I suggested that because it was FIL's party, it might be worth showing his face so as not to inadvertently snub his dad. He disagreed.

He called FIL yesterday evening and wished him well. FIL moaned about DH not attending party and not wanting to discuss the in's and out's of his issues with T, DH says that I had not told him about the party date or time (I bloody well had!). Naturally I feel quite annoyed about this as this fib will have spread amongst his entire family and I will be the black sheep. Two of his sisters (including T) can be VERY vindictive and nasty so I can only imagine the things that are being said about me.

I don't really know what I'm asking of anyone who has made it through this post but I feel bloody annoyed by this and whilst I understand why DH feels the way he does, I am now in the firing line (I'm 6 mths pg so don't need the stress and am hormonal enough already!).

Sorry for the detail, did not want to drip feed.

OP posts:
CleopatrasAsp · 08/05/2012 11:38

Your DH is totally out of order, I would tear my husband off a strip if he blamed me for something that was his doing. You need to get him to man up and admit it was him that decided not to go to the birthday party and nothing to do with you not communicating the date and time - what an arse to blame this on you, particularly as you are pregnant. Not on, not on at all.

CailinDana · 08/05/2012 11:50

I would actually burst into flame if my DH did this to me. I would be so angry I don't know what I would do to him. How mean and bloody cowardly of him to tell his family that you are the reason he didn't go to his own father's party!

Have you screamed at talked to him about it?

theressomethingaboutmarie · 08/05/2012 15:04

I do feel bloody annoyed actually but did my utmost to keep calm yesterday when he told me he'd done this. I made it clear that just because he didn't want to upset his dad (again) that to implicate me was completely unreasonable. He partly agrees (note the 'partly') saying that it doesn't matter what his two vindictive sisters think. I responded that maybe that was the case to him but knowing that I am being slighted and blamed for his dad's discontent and his sisters unwarranted work on our part (preparing party food having included us in the numbers etc) is unacceptable and certainly not stress I need especially given that we will see most of them this Saturday night for his nephew's 30th and then again a week later for his niece's wedding.

OP posts:
wilkos · 08/05/2012 15:13

I am Shock at your dh!

He is a coward. If I was you I would ring his sister (or get him to ring his sister) and put her straight as to why you didnt go to the party. Incidentally, why didnt you and your dd go to the party without him?

ethelb · 08/05/2012 15:21

totes with you. I have another thread going about DP being overly willing to blame me for the fall out when his family behave like twats.

It's awful as the family get away with being awful to each other and you as they have a scapegoat.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 08/05/2012 15:28

DD and I didn't go to the party without him as I would have been subject to a very uncomfortable inquisition from the moment I got there - I don't want or need the stress. I want to support him as he does get very stressed with his sisters but to pile the stress on me is obviously out of order.

ethelb - I feel for you!

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