Cant get past him leaving me- cant go on- please help

[lostandlonelybb]

exp of 10 years left me for OW six weeks ago, I have no family and very few friends who will listen, was made redundant six months ago so not currently working.

My days are filled with fear and crying and i cant seem to pull myself together and move forward, i can only see pain in my future and have recently been having thoughts of ending it all.

Can anyone give me some word of wisdom to get me through this really dark time, i am so lonely and isolated.

You have all my sympathy. It's such a shock and so hurtful to discover that the person you're meant to be closest to has not only been lying to you but has withdrawn their love completely. Crying and fear are totally normal in the circumstances. I'm sorry you don't have good friends who will listen but hope a few MN e-friends will come along and do so. Suicide wouldn't solve anything. Might make him feel bad for a few minutes but that's all. The Samaritans would love to talk to you if you're really down. They're very good at that. GP's are also good at helping people through depression. Could be worth a trup

If I had advice it would be to force yourself to get out of the house and do something each day. Your home will have lots of reminders of happier times and, if you're unemployed and have nothing occupying your thoughts, that's when you can go slightly mad playing back the conversations before he left and wondering if you could have seen the signs or done anything differently. My other advice is to talk to a solicitor. You may not feel up to it yet and I know from my own experience that I avoided that step as it made the break-up too permanent, too final ... but I also know that when I got the divorce moving, I regained some of the feeling of control that had been lost.

Look after yourself. Good luck

Oh dear. You poor thing. Have someand(hugs)

A few years ago, I split up with a man I loved deeply, and had loved since I was a teenager. We had DCs together. When we broke up, I thought I would die, and it's no exaggeration. I really thought I would. I was in mental and physical pain, could not stop crying day after day, week after week, could barely function enough to go to the shops or anything. The pain got so bad I did want to die, and I panicked when I had to go out. Even surrounded with friends I felt in pain. I couldn't talk to anyone. Truth is, no one understood what I was going through. No one. It was hell.

Weeks passed, then months, I threw myself into a new hobby gardening, which was really strange as I had hated it before, but it really helped.

So since then, I've got past the pain, I'm still alive, and I've come to understand a few things about break ups. Firstly they affect everyone differently. Some find it difficult for a few weeks but can still function. Some people don't allow themselves to feel uncomfortable for long and throw themselves straight into another relationship.

And some people suffer from more acute emotional and mental trauma. If it continues for a few months and you start thinking suicidally, you must take yourself off to the doctors. You are suffering from depression and they will probably give you a very small dose of anti-depressant that will dull the feelings a little and help you to move to coping with things better, and remove some of the anxiety.

One more thing. I realised that my severe reaction was also to do with my abusive past (no confidence etc) I had put so much trust in my partner, I had loved him in an unhealthy way. In other words, I allowed my ego (the thing you need when you're single, that serves as your sense of self) to completely die when I was with my ex. It took a lot of time to get it back. And now I am much better able to love someone without losing myself, as I did with my ex.

Also you need to read good books that will help kick start you to thinking more healthily. I'll do a list of the ones that have helped me in a mo.

You can and will get through it. Go to the doctors!

The book List:

How to Mend a Broken Heart Christine Webber

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You Susan Elliot

Women who love too much Robin Norwood

And when you're feeling better and more able to cope:

Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent Judy Ford

Single and Loving It: How to be happy and whole when there is no other half Wendy Bristow

And lastly do not be put off by the title -

Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself! Marie Forleo

Cogito- I am in such pain at the moment it is awful, i simply cannot imagine my life without him, i cant eat or sleep and have no interest in anything, watching tv, reading or looking for a job.

Fabulous, i can relate to you regarding the lost of ego, i handed my self worth on a plate to my ex, and when he left he took it with him. I dont know who i am, what i want, what i like etc it was all about him and 'us'. I am so lonely :(

Oh lalbb - so sorry to see you are having such a hard time. It is still very early days.

My H left me nearly 2 years ago now. And your post reminds me of how I felt in the aftermath... I spent all my time weeping and petrified of the future, too. And I felt so lonely and empty and desparate.

You really aren't alone in feeling so dreadful. I think that many people find it completely overwelming. I know that it is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me! But it really has got easier over time - you won't always feel this way.

Lurking and posting on here really helped me. Are you sure that you have few friends who will listen? I was bowled over by people's patience and support, even those who barely knew me. But if you really feel you can't offload in RL, please do it here.

And think about Samaritians and your GP, especially if you are thinking about suicide. My GP has been really supportive.

I found a fantastic counsellor, who really helped me too - I went through the local equivalent of Relate, and she was fantastic.

Do you have dc? How are they coping?

Lost, you WILL get through this. When my Ex left me and my 1 year old son I felt my heart break - I thought I would never recover - I couldn't imagine a life without him in it - now I have a life without him in it - and it's better x Hold on....

Everything you're going through is normal. It's a grief process akin to sudden bereavement that is made somehow worse because they person in question is not actually dead.... just choosing to be elsewhere.

You will get through this. I tell everyone that the first stage is 'shock'. That's where you are now. Frozen with fear, not sure what just happened, not knowing what to do next. You need to talk to your friends whether they want to listen to you or not. The GP is definitely a good call. You need to articulate your feelings rather than bottle up the emotion negatively and you need to think about getting angry at this person who has chewed you up and spit you out when you were at a low ebb. Because that's when this phase ends.... when you swap the self-pity & pain you're currently feeling for the energy and focus that comes with anger.

Was there anything you felt you couldn't do when you were with your husband? Something he didn't like you wearing? Eating? Something you enjoyed but which maybe he ridiculed as being silly? If you can think of anything that falls under those headings, I'd recommend you do it. It's a way of taking control of your life and rejecting any restrictions placed on you by a partner.

I second Cognitos suggestion of phoning the Samaritans. I did the same when I went through my break up. They were absolutley fab, one woman in particular was wonderful. I include that woman in my prayers and i thank god for her.

O.P. hugs again. Take cognitos suggestion of a things I can do now list. Also do a list of all the things that irritated you/disliked about your ex. It may be hard but the flaws are there. It'll help you see your ex as an ordinary person, not Mr Wonderful and my whole life.

I'll be back again later.

Dear lostandlonely,
I totally understand how you feel at the moment because I am also going through exactly the same. My world has fallen apart and I cannot eat, sleep or think straight. To make matters worse I have a 5 yr DS that I have to try to keep it together for when I'm screaming in pain inside. I wish I could run away from it all.
Anyway I've no advice as such but if you wanted someone to email and hold hands through this please pm me, I could do with a friend too. X

lostandlonely chin up. Just remember that you're not alone. I'm thinking of you. I hope you manage to get some rest tonight. x and (hugs)

Lostandlonely: how are you feeling today?

Still feeling really really low, I cant cope without him and am so lonely, i still love him so much, im trying to be strong but the feeling of emptiness is all encompassing :(

I know exactly how you feel. You really do feel that your life has changed and you have no control. I was heartbroken when it happened to me. It is still really early days, and there is no quick fix. Give yourself time. There are so many women who have gone through what you are going through and who come out the other end. It's like a long, dark tunnel you have to walk through - but there is light at the end x

lostandlonelybb - no great words of wisdeom and nothing really to add to what has been said just sympathy as I too am in the same situation. I have two seven-year-olds to care for and have just been feeling that I can't go on - last time I felt this bad was when my sister died almost 13 years ago to this day.

I usually hate asking for help as I feel I should be able to cope but have had to take time off work and have just returned from the GP who has given me betablockers to relieve the terrible anxiety attacks and a prescription for ADs.
Please, accept that what you are feeling is normal and let yourself grieve/rant/whatever. If you feel that you are unable to cope, please go and see your doctor and ask for support whether it is asking for counselling or medication to help you through. You are so not alone in what you are feeling.

I know that at the moment it doesn't seem possible, but I am trying to hold on to the thought that this too shall pass.

"i still love him so much, "

Unpack that a little. What exactly is so loveable about this man. His lies? His walking out? His preference for someone new over you? Treating you like shite? Welching on his marriage vows? Kicking 10 years of love and affection through your teeth? Making you feel suicidal? ... If a random stranger treated you this way would you want to be friends? What exactly is that you are still in love with?

What you're missing and loving is your old life. Not him. Memories and nostalgia. Take time to allow the dust to settle but, at the same time, be realistic about what has has actually gone on here. Save your love for people who deserve it.

Cogito is right. When you can look at him, and what happened a bit more objectively, it will make it easier. You are missing the life you had, or thought you were going to have. You now have a new one.

How are you feeling today lost? I hope you are O.K.