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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me out ladies

20 replies

riamay2011 · 08/05/2012 06:57

I have been with my partner for coming up to 4 years. At the beginning we were very much in love, couldn't keep our hands off each other etc. 6 months into the relationship I explained how I had a gut feeling he was hidin something from me. He constantly told me I wa crazy and paranoid so believing him, I brushed it off. On the day of my nana's funeral which he attended, I found messages on his phone from his wife. I confronted him and he explain how he had had an arranged marriage and he did it for his parents etc. however the message read 'I love you too' so you can kinda guess what the first message was. He told me he would tell his parents about is (he is Hindu, I am English) but said they would probably disown him. Anyway, in the July of that year he proposed to me unsure if it was out of guilt, but I loved this man and agreed as he had promised things with his wife were over and he would move in. I then fell pregnant. At this point he still hadn't moved in and was going 'away' 2 nights a week and I wouldn't hear from him, plus he hadn't told his parents. We had lots of arguments about this. Over the months I would see pictures on his brothers Facebook of them at family functions recents ones and it would kill me but I confronted him and we argued some more but I never got answers. I have recently had our second daughter. I have now found out that even though we are Saving for a mortgage we can't buy a house because he is still married! :( why isn't he getting a divorce? It's been at least 3 months since I found this out and yet he still hasn't done anything about it. I can't help but feel like there is something he is not telling me. He says it's not registered in this country, so how would you divorce that!? I also can't fully let all this go. It has effected me massively. I find myself not fully trusting him and making things in my head if he's out or late. Please can someone help as I can't live like this anymore. I have tries talkin to him but we just argue about it all
Sorry for the essay
X

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2012 07:20

The thing he probably isn't telling you is that he is still in a relationship with his wife. But you know this and have accepted it gradually by choosing to ignore all the things you listed above on the grounds of 'love'. He has been secretive, argumentative, broken some very important promises, stays away from home, appears in photographs with her.... and still you go ahead producing children like nothing is wrong. Of course you can't trust him... you never could.

Take your head out of the sand and do something constructive.

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/05/2012 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/05/2012 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thistledew · 08/05/2012 07:28

There is nothing (legally) to stop him divorcing in the as you can divorce in your country of domicile. It seems the only thing stopping him is his intention.

pictish · 08/05/2012 07:31

Ugh this guy is snake!

He is married to his wife. He will not leave his wife for you. Two kids in, and still he chooses (for whatever reasons) to remain with his wife.

If he ever did, by some miracle, leave his wife....how would you ever trust him? He has fathered two children behind his wife's back!! Who wants a man like that?

He's a liar and a user, and cares only for himself. He sounds apalling!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2012 07:35

And have you met his family now? Why are you not in these Facebook pictures at family functions? Sorry but I think far from 'letting this go'... you've been taken for a complete fool.

Original poster
riamay2011 · 08/05/2012 16:41

I no ladies I do stop sometimes and think what am I doing? More so when we argue and I think of all the badness and look at my 2 beautiful little girls and feel sorry for them. My life sometimes feels like a big mess I am very Angry at myself for not putting my foot down and I feel very much like a push over Sad
I understand what you are all saying
Feel very Blush now

OP posts:
Original poster
riamay2011 · 08/05/2012 16:42

I'm not in the photos because his family didnt know about me then even tho we had been together for 2 years and they know about me now, was told 2 weeks before our first Dd was born

OP posts:
lisaro · 08/05/2012 16:50

Why would you have two children with someone who is ACTIVELY in a marriage with someone else? Face Facts, this is going nowhere He's had what he wants from you and more. Also what would you see in a 'man' who treats yourself and, more importantly, his wife, like this?

Original poster
riamay2011 · 08/05/2012 16:58

He says he has nothing to do with her now and lives with me now. I only found out he was still married a couple of months ago

OP posts:
pictish · 08/05/2012 17:01

Sounds to me like you're forever the last one to know anything eh?
He is man taking care of his own interests and nothing else.
You can do better.

Xales · 08/05/2012 17:01

Please tell me the savings are not in his name in any way?

If he ups and leaves you and takes the money you will have a fight to get it back.

If he dies, without a will his wife is probably his next of kin and will be entitled to his money.

Not you.

Not your DC.

Bratella · 08/05/2012 17:06

Where did you think he was 2 nights a week? And where did you think he was when you saw pics of him on Facebook? Why would you have another DD with this man?

you say he lives with you now - all week or still 2 nights of the week away?

sorry to say it Riamay but you know the answer...

PatriciaHolm · 08/05/2012 17:10

He is married. You are his affair, I'm sorry, but you are nothing more to him than that. He has clearly been keeping secrets both from you and his family for YEARS. Of course he could get divorced, he just doesn't want to. He doesn't want to marry you.

Sorry, but he's a waste of time and space, and you cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

lisaro · 08/05/2012 18:07

You mentioned 'in the July of that year' that you found out he was married and THEN got pregnant. Then you say you've only just found out. At least get your story straight.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 18:10

what a fool you have been, OP

you don't have to carry on being one though

Victoria3012 · 08/05/2012 19:27

He will never divorce his wife for you, harsh but true. You have two children with this man but you went along with not meeting his family etc? I really cant understand why you would have children with this man, you must have known something was seriously wrong with his behaviour.

Original poster
riamay2011 · 08/05/2012 21:20

Lisaro he told me he had finished as in divorced and I found out a few months ago he still is. I no my story no need for the attitude.
I came on here as I can't speak to anyone in RL I don't need to be bought down anymore

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 21:25

he is bringing you down, not an anonymous website

Houseofplain · 08/05/2012 21:28

You actually took a guy at his word? Someone who hid his wife, then went on to have two kids with you whilst still with her.

Naive does not cut it. Where is your money?

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