Would I feel like this for no reason?

[Molehillmountain]

I feel no love for my mother. I see her out of duty and because I don't want to control my dcs relationships. But my fathers request that she would lIke a more normal mother daughter relationship and could I call her more often made me fiercely angry. She was a mh inpatient when I was between the ages of 6 and 8 and there are good reasons why she would have broken down, major family tragedies. On one level I bear no malice towards her-she was and is ill- but on another she was no sort of guide when I was growing up and I have taken years to shake off the learnt behaviour from her and my df. I don't think I could describe her as toxic. I don't believe she is nasty, just weighed down by years of angst. But the result of that is that she has betrayed my confidence over some very private matters that I struggled to want to tell her about anyway. She is the last person I want advice from and has always made me feel unattractive by projecting her own feelings about how she looks. My sister is nine years older than me and has no contact at all. I just wonder what went on in my childhood that would make me so cold towards her. Perhaps it is her inability to admit that there was anything amiss. I feel like such a mean person for feeling this way towards a weak and disturbed old lady. When we actually do spend time together I kind of enjoy it and then something makes me put my guard up. Dh's mother is the mother I don't feel I had-supporting unconditionally and telling me I'm beautiful so sincerely and frequently that I have started to believe it.

Bear in mind I'm writing from the perspective of someone who lost their mother very young but - she is what she is. She's had her share of issues, and it sounds like she tried her best. Probably that wasn't good enough, but she's what you have. In your shoes I would accept that, take the good bits and ignore the bad. And don't waste time making unproductive comparisons with the lovely sounding MIL.

You might want to take a look at the stately homes thread, it's about people with dysfunctional parents etc.
Link here :)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1393943-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

I'm kind of the same as you - i feel uncomfortable about spending time with both my parents (mostly because the atmosphere between themselves is toxic and negative), but my mum seems the same as yours- i'm mid 20s and she does not appear to think i am my own human being. She thinks i am whatever she thinks and think whatever she thinks i should be thinking and if i beg to differ, i'm just being difficult. "What will other people think if they hear you did/said that?"

I know she has her reasons for being the way she is - also, lots of negative things happening throughout her life -and her parents lives etc, but i've come to the conclusion that while i can understand her, her suffering does not negate mine. So while you may want to look back into your childhood and understand why - it doesn't really matter.

If she's offering you negative opinions - remember, it's about her, not you. And you do not have to take it. If somebody is making you feel uncomfortable, you have no obligation to interact with them.

/rambling over,

And, your MIL sounds lovely :)

" she would lIke a more normal mother daughter relationship"

I think that's the problem. Mothers and daughters have all kinds of relationships and there is no single definition of 'normal'. Some are very close, very similar personalities, living in each others pockets, telling each other everything and acting like best friends. Others are very different personalities & function quite happily being respectful of each other's space and less co-dependent.

I think, as Hassled rightly pointed out, she is what she is and you can't change her. If she has betrayed your trust in your past and you don't particularly want her advice that probably means your 'normal' is going to be a little arms' length. Having a rather prickly mother myself, I struggled with the relationship when I was younger. However, now that we're all a lot older, I think we've settled on a way of relating to each other that we can both live with. That's our 'normal' ... you just need to find yours.

You're all very wise. I can see things in all your posts that will help me move forward. I am fortunate to have a mother-full stop. She is weighed down with baggage but I don't think she actually means to be harmful. Luckily, she is fine with the dc and since we don't live close, I can compartmentalise her. I struggle with the idea that I'm not big enough to give her a call sometimes. I give the excuse that I dont want to be laid open to her breaking my confidence but really I'm being stubborn. But I'm letting myself off that one for now. We see them, every month or so and go on holiday for a week per year. It's the day to day friendly stuff I can't do. My mil is the mother figure for that. Last time I saw my dad he pushed for more contact and I told him to stop asking and that I was doing the best I could. And I accept that I had a dysfunctional childhood-under the circumstances it couldn't be anything else, but I have a happy marriage, wonderful children and a family in law. Whatever I think of them, my family shaped me to be the person that dh loves. The rest of it is what it is. And I will reread this when I forget!

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother, and have posted on the stately homes thread before. Once I had children the scales dropped from my eyes and I started to try and understand and make sense of what had happened to me. I was astounded and overjoyed at my feelings for my children, and I couldn't fathom how my mother could have treated me the way she did (and still does).

In coming to terms with all this, I have had to try and accept her for what she is. Doesn't always work of course.

I speak sometimes to my friend's mother in law, who is very wise, and herself had an unbelievably hideous childhood thanks to both her parents. She said to me something I will never forget-during a conversation where I was talking about being a good mother to my children, and that I hoped I was doing all the right things etc, against the background of my relationship with my mother.

She said to me that you can aim to be the kind of mother to your children that you think you should be, but you should remember that in doing so you might not be the kind of mother THEY want you to be.

This has actually helped me with acceptance around the issues with my mother, I somehow turn it around and apply it to her, and it helps.

OP.. Your story is very similar to mine in that my DM was in a psychiatric hospital for a year when I was 4/5, we ended up temporarily in care until my DGm took over care of us and we never lived with my Mum and by then Step-Dad until I was 12 (Mum did live with us at my Grans but moved out for two years when she got married). So we didnt have what would be termed a 'normal' Mother/ Daughter relationship. I was very close to my Gran and in fairness my Mum did work full time and odd shifts but never really made the effort with me. She was also made to feel a failure for being a single parent and I know the phrase 'what man will take you on with two kids' was thrown at her by my GP's a lot.

Now I'm not saying she doesn't love my Step-Dad but there is very much a sort of deference to him and she seems to be 'grateful' to him 'taking her on' that means her relationship with him has always come first. My Step-Dad is very cantankerous, stubborn and can be bullying, his behaviour towards us as kids could certainly be labelled EA with a dose of physical thrown in. There are occasions where she really should of stepped in and told him he was being OTT, instead she just let him bully us. When I recently bought up how we were force fed she did admit that it was a bit 'out of order'. She was never really warm or loving or talked to my about things mothers and daughters should.

As a result I just feel cold toward her, it wasnt until I became a single parent myself that I realised just how rubbish she had been, yes she had an illness but we lived in a way no child should have to and her failure to protect us from my Step-Dad is unforgivable. It really made me look at how we were treated and why....especially as she tries to push off her single parent shame onto me not that it works. Our lives have moved on and we are both better off no longer living in squalor and she wants us to be the pally pally mother/daughter going shopping (as long as its her shops) kind of thing, but it just doesnt work. She tries to be generous with money but it will never alter my perception of her. She is now talking about how I will look after her when she is older and I'm thinking 'no way'... I just dont feel it in my heart. The 'warmth' will never be there

Sorry I think that last paragraph was slightly rambling...As someone previously said... she is who she is and I cant and dont want to change that, I have to accept I dont have a close mother/daughter relationship and never will. She said a few years ago " I know we weren't a cuddly family (after seeing DS and myself who are very loving).... buts that how we were in them days, it just wasn't done, and that she regretted it" her own parents hadn't been very warm either. I told her that although to a certain extent we learn from our parents that its up to us to break the pattern and thats what I had done