Am i in the wrong for telling the truth?

[Imsosorryalan]

Hi
My sister and i have always had a volatile relationship with my dad, anyway he was very EA when she was growing up and i left home at 16 because of him. We are now on speaking terms as i am keen to foster a long distance relationship for my dc's, whom he adores.
Anyway, my sister hardly calls him and when she does doesnt really tell him much about her life as he always has an opinion and has a go at her.
She has recently split up with her long term bf who they shared a flat/mortgage with. She hasnt told him. (they split up about 6 months ago). All she said was they were having problems.
Anyway, long and short of it is, i spoke to dad and told him they had split up. (he asked me outright, i didnt want to lie). I am so fed up with her drip feeding him and i cant keep up with what he/ she said or knows.
She basically had a go at me telling me it was none of my business to tell him and i had no right. Shouting and crying etc.
I was so shocked i didnt say anything, but am fuming at her now.
Am i in the wrong? Should i apologise to her or leave her and her 'complicated' life to it?
Thanks for getting this far!

Your sister was correct and you need to stop colluding with your Dad as of now.

You have been assigned the role of the "golden child". You need to raise any boundaries you have re your Dad a lot bloody higher than they are currently.

As you have seen the "golden child" role which is the role your Dad has put you in, compared to that of your sister who is the "scapegoat" within this whole familial dysfunction, is not without price. The price being your overall relationship with your sister. He will want to destroy it.

Your dad played you like a violin; he knew what he was doing and you were manipulated by him. This man is trying to drive a wedge between you both and he almost succeeded.

You left home at 16 too so things at home were likely not great. Why do you want your children to have a relationship with such a man, he may well start showing overt favouritism towards one of your children or play one of them off against the other. You would not tolerate such treatment from a friend. your Dad is truly no different in that regard.

You may think you are more favoured by him but you are really no better off than your sister is. You describe your Dad as controlling and that is not making him seem better either as controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours.

Yes, you need to apologise. And the way you describe your father, I would be very wary of letting him have contact with grandchildren. What if he repeats the pattern of when you and your sister were younger?

Sometimes, when a parent is cruel or judgemental, a child gets into the habit of doing just about anything to please that parent, to have the parent on-side. This quite often continues into adulthood imo, and it looks like you've sided with your dad against her- that's how it would seem to me if I was your sister.

I think that everyone needs to back off from attacking the OP a bit here.

If she is in the position of 'golden child' it seems she is the favoured one? well she is still being emotionally abused!

Its not her fault! any more than its her sisters fault that she is the 'scapegoat'

They were/are both abused emotionally by their father and they both have some form of contact with him. Thats something they both need to work on not just the OP as its clearly affecting them both.

info on golden child/scapegoat in case OP is unfamiliar

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Yes i now realise what has been going on. My sister needs support not another enemy to fight.
In my defense, it isnt something that happens often and i usually do act dumb and tell him to ask her but your right, his manipulative ways have crept up on me without realising it.
I hate confrontation and also saying no so i guess i will have to man up.
Also i hate think i am judgemental of her, myself and mum have given her lots of support both emotional and financial too and i hope i will always be there for her.
I have apologised so lets hope she forgives me
Ps the rel. with my dcs is work in progress, water under the bridge and all that, it also means i can see my elderly grandmother who lives with him. I would cut all ties immediately if there was ever any chance of him 'manipulating' them

Thanks amberleaf for the info. Havent seen this before, an interesting read.

You've had some great advice on here OP.

Well done on apologising, how about adding to that with some of the thoughts you have had above on how you can see that he's still manipulating you too, and affecting your relationship with her? I'm sure your sis would be nodding her head in recognition...

The bottom line is, you have a greater friend in your sister than your father

as well as a person who could probably do with a bit more of your support.

Value the relationships with those who show themselves to be good people over those who don't.

You owe your dad nothing, and more to the point, he's still treating you badly.

Have a LONG think about how much of those life lessons you want your DC to absorb...

I would cut all ties immediately if there was ever any chance of him 'manipulating' them

OP, just be careful. Manipulative people are not transparent in their ways. I'd be very cautious with him, as you already said;

his manipulative ways have crept up on me without realising it

You might not be able to spot his manipulations with regards to your children until it's too late.

OP, well done on accepting that you were wrong

I hope your sister forgives you too, because otherwise your father will have succeeded in driving a wedge between you

don't be surprised if it takes a while though

and you need to practice "I am not discussing my sisters personal life with you" and repeat

Hi amberleaf,

re your comment:-
"If she is in the position of 'golden child' it seems she is the favoured one? well she is still being emotionally abused!"

Yes and that is why I wrote it is a role not without price (or, for that matter obligation). I certainly would agree with the rest of your post.

Well done OP for apologising.

Yes I saw that Attila,

I think my main point was that is not a role of her choosing.