dealing with a difficult ex (dad of dc)

[globalmouse]

I have been divorced from my verbally and emotionally abusive ex for a few years now. And STILL every time I have an interaction with him he is deliberately awkward, blames me for things going on in his life, makes cutting little comments etc.

Most of the time I can let it wash over me, but he has been a prize asshole recently. I have been asking my parents to help with handover for ds so I don't have to talk to him, but I still have to communicate with him about the handover and he will take that opportunity to be awkward and difficult. For example, refusing to meet my parents at a place closer to him than where we usually meet and more convenient for my parents (although he won't sort out an alternative so they meet there anyway!). Or texting me accusing my parents of being 'unacceptably' rude to him. Or even texting me to tell me that the way ds was dressed wasn't clean or some such rubbish (all of which aren't true). I think he is punishing me for removing myself from the equation.

I KNOW he is still trying to get to me, and to be honest it's working as I am REALLY pissed off with him for still trying. After all this time he STILL is trying to make my life difficult.

The thing is that I am beginning to vent each time I get a communication from him. I can laugh at how ridiculous his demands are, but I can still feel the anger inside me at how he dares to still try to treat me and my parents, and he is STILL making things awkward for me. Unfortunately I can't just make an arrangement and leave it in place as my parents take turns to do the drop off. If they do the communication, he STILL texts me with some snide remark or 'difficulty' he has with them.

I can't believe this is going on again after a relatively peaceful few months. I am free from his control in my life, he has no power over me anymore, but his being difficult and awkward about the only part of my life he has any dealings is making me incredibly angry and that IS beginning to affect my life. Usually if someone pissed me off like he does I would have no contact with them at all, but obviously I can't do that.

Any ideas how to deal with this?

How far away from your / your parents? home does the ex live? I?m just curious to know why he can?t pick up and drop off from their house instead of them coming out to meet him.

When you get the texts about your parents being rude or your son?s clothes etc, don?t do anything. Don?t text him back at all. He?s just deliberately fishing and trying to get your back up.

If you really can?t help it and feel the need to text something, take the piss out of him but in the nicest possible way. ?I?ve told Mum and Dad to tone it down a bit and just be acceptably rude in future?

He knows he no longer has any control over you, your life and it?s pissing him off good style. This is a desperate attempt to regain some element of control and / or wear you down completely.

You?re winning. You?ve got through the difficulty of the first few months so can sure as hell manage the rest. Bear with it. :)

Sorry - should say "first few YEARS" - not months.

Yes, he is punishing you. Goading you like this is the last desperate attempt of a bully to demonstrate to himself that he still has influence over his favourite victim. It's an expression of futility and insecurity. Shall we all take a moment to bow our heads and think 'oh dear, how sad, never mind' ... :)

In your shoes, with someone being deliberately difficult, I would tell them to forget it. Call his bluff. Don't engage in negotiations over time and places beyond 'take it or leave it'. Ignore any criticisms completely. He will eventually get tired of needling you and go pick on someone else

Either flatly ignore (and rant in private/kick the cat/whatever) OR be slightly patronising and tell him that he really can't expect you to sort out his problems for him (like dealing with imagined slights) and he's going to have to deal with these things himself from now on, llike a grown up.

thanks everyone.

Yes he is goading me as a last ditch attempt. I'm sure it was no coincidence I got arsey texts when he knew I was away.

Not sure I can be arsed with the fall out of of actually telling him he has to sort things out himself (of course he does! to anyone else it's bloody obvious), but I'm sure its all my fault somehow (as everything is to him) and I just can't be bothered to go there. even though I hang up on him when he goes off on one, he still hasn't learnt. Telling him to forget it, that's a good idea... though of course it will be followed with a rant about me making his life so difficult.

Ignore. Yes, that's what I need to do. It still winds me up though and even though I'm no longer stressed about dealing with him, it does annoy me that I am even bothering with getting annoyed with him (if that makes sense?).

More than anything, I just need a tactic to stop getting angry about it. Its a great deal better than getting worried and stressed about it, but it's still taking up emotional space which he doesn't deserve. If I could not have to have any interaction with him it would make life easier but I can't keep passing the buck to my parents, even though he won't be arsey to them. It's not fair on them.

Can you get a 2nd phone so you are more in control when you read them etc? So if you are away you can just have it turned off the whole time?

The best tactic to avoid stress-related anger is to have a 'script' that you stick to at all costs. Like interviewees put on the spot who go for a flat 'no comment'. 'I'm not discussing it', for example.

I would second getting a cheap second phone and SIM just for him.
Then you can keep it switched off at the times you are expecting texts/calls and can delete them without even looking at them.
If you ignore, and don't react, then he will get bored and you will stop having to be angry.

And as Cognito says, a standard script can help. When Ex starts agitating about access I reply with 'Please discuss this with your solicitor and do not contact me directly again.' Then I switch my phone off

yes, thats what I need, a script. Maybe 'If you are going to just have a go at me, I'm not talking to you. Goodbye.' Then a hang up.
I like that, but I'll need to write it down somewhere so I don't forget it!

Actually, it's best if you don't talk to him on the phone.
Keep to texts and emails. They are easier to control.

My abusive ex continued to send nasty texts & emails for years & was still doing it 4 years after we split! I ended up changing my email address, landline number & refused to answer any texts. I also made a complaint to the police who felt his collar. He finally gave up mostly because he found a girlfriend who I think he didn't want to show that side of him to!