So we have to talk about our disagreement now....now that YOU are ready?

[MadameChinLegs]

DH and I had words. We very very rarely argue, but we have today. Halfway through the argument, DH obviously decided that it wasn;t worth talking about as he made himself some lunch and took himself off to another room. I went in and asked if he was that angry that he couldn;t even be in the same room as me? He said he needed to step back and wanted to eat his lunch in peace so I left him to it.

After he had had something to eat, in he comes and says "right, let's talk about it"....it's childish and petty but I simply said "I was willing to talk about it before, but you decided that you would go off and have lunch. I'm not talking about it now, Im busy now." while MNing

Why should I wait to resolve a matter until he has decided that he wants to talk about it....should I just sit here and fester until he has calmed down? Why not finish the matter there and then and put it to bed?

Does he always insist things are done on his terms only?

You will get a more productive outcome if you wait until you are both ready to talk about the real issue calmly.

So yes, he can break off, and so can you (as you both appear to have done). I hope you do find a time you both agree on.

Good for you. I hate sulkers. He can't have been that upset if he was able to eat his lunch. People who try to punish by dictating the where and when of resolving arguments DESERVE a taste of their own medicine. Takes the wind out of their sails in my experience.

thenightsky no, we have a very well-balanced relationship (if anything, im harder work then he is). But, we do seem to have differing ways of resolving disputes: I like to talk it through until we come to a conclusion. He likes to become introvert and think about it, often not coming to a conclusion of his own until much much later.

I didn't like the assumption, today, that I would still be willing to discuss matters at a time when he decided he was ready.

I agree, EdithWeston that we will get a better solution when we come together later today and discuss it then. What annoys me most is that what was even a non-issue has now turned into something else. I am not even arsed about the inital argument, now I'm peed off because of how he walked away half way through, left me to fester and then came back later expecting me to be sitting waiting to talk about it.

Would it have helped if he'd rephrased his need for time out? As in "I'm too hungry and too angry to talk properly now. I'll have some lunch and calm down. Let's talk after."

Yes, garlic, that probably would have helped. Even a "look, I can't talk about this now, I need...." would have been something. But it was like halfway through the argument he just stopped, walked away, sorted what he need and walked into the other room.

That's another thing to talk about, then. Even a small shift from him (eg to "OK, I'm ready to talk about it now, are you?") could help considerably, and I hope he can come to realise this.

Good, it's a simple matter of words then :)

You felt he was trying to gain control of the argument by disengaging temporarily. He probably felt you were trying to control it too much. So he did the right thing in breaking the power-lock by taking time out. The only mistake here was that he didn't tell you what he was doing - leaving you with a feeling that he'd now taken too much control and disrespected you! Phew

I hope you'll be able to agree on a more effective argument strategy (communication) when you work the other stuff out. Let us know how it goes, please?