I need reassurance that am doing the right thing

[Soontosplit]

DH and I are on the verge of splitting up. We have realised we can't afford to split (without drastically changing the DC's lives) so are staying together until we have saved enough for us both to have a deposit on a house / flat each. This was on the basis that we would both respect each other and be co-parents, without any intimacy.

DH went out on Saturday afternoon and night. That's absolutely fine with me. We agreed that he would get a lie-in on Sunday with me taking DC out. He'd have DC for the afternoon so I could have a break.

DH sent a text at 7am Sunday, saying I have messed up and I'm still out. Then nothing further until he rocked up at home about 3pm. He's done similar before, getting home at 8am after going for 'a few drinks after work and I'll be home at a decent time to look after the kids in the morning'.

So, now I think we won't be able to live together as friends. We need to separate soon before we start resenting each other. Me for him thinking that it is ok to behave as he did this weekend. Him for me continually nagging at him to help out at home more etc (an ongoing issue and one of the reasons we are splitting).

He thinks we can take more time to officially split and make it work as friends in the meantime.

I just need a sanity check because now I am doubtful of the right thing to do. The right thing is to split while things are fairly amicable isn't it? We can cope with a little bit of financial hardship, far better than to have DC experiencing an atmosphere of simmering resentment IMO.

The sooner the better...It won't work.

Split properly before the resentment really takes hold. Practical matters will usually work themselves out somehow. Living with someone you can't stand kills you slowly.... not worth it.

Oh thank you, this is what I think but DH has a different view. He doesn't see why his behavious this weekend has made me change my mind.

The practicalities will be difficult but I don't want to get to the point where I really end up disliking him. We need the DC to see that although we are separated, we can be nice about each other.

Now I just need to tell DH that I can't carry on with the arrangement and that we need to take the plunge. It's very scary - not him but the thought of all the things we have to sort out and minimising the effect on the DC.

Being honest, if you liked him that much you wouldn't be separating. I don't think you have to be nice to each other for the sake of the children if it means suppressing your real feelings. In fact, being nice might be confusing him.... he may think you still like him. Living a lie is incredibly tiring.

He has you where he wants you right now

Cheap lifestyle, paying no maintenance, coming and going as he pleases seeing the dc as and when it suits with minimal effort

He knows the way it will be when you have d

You are right.
He would appear to be having his cake and eating it. Living the single life, not taking responsibility for himself, whilst his home and children are clean and looked after at no effort to himself.

do you feel like his mum?
I would.

The word for men like this is 'cocklodger'.

Oops!!

Decided to fully split

Bedsit land
Broke
Maintenance to pay AND access visits to pay for

It has crossed my mind in the past that I am effectively his childminder - making it possible for him to stay out after work because he has an urgent meeting or just needs a few drinks after a stressful day.

I work 4 days a week and hardly ever have the chance to let off steam after work or stay late, as I have to get home to collect the children. If I do need to work late, I negotiate with him in advance and feel as if I'm asking a favour.

I think he has started to realise just how much I do around the house. And I have started to realise that when we do split, he will have to make the effort with taking the DC out when he says he will. I won't be able to 'cover' for him as I can now, simply because I am at home and tell the DC he is working late and don' make a fuss out of it. If he's late to access then he is the one that is letting down the children and it's not my responsibility to fix that for him.

It feels quite cathartic thinking this through and getting it out.

And... I do feel like his mum. He even said yesterday that I was ranting at him like his mum used to when he was a teenager.

For the record, I wasn't ranting, I was trying to explain why I thought we couldn't make it work living together as friends.

I don't want another DC, I want a partner.

You don't like him. Hell.... I've only read a few paragraphs and already I don't like him. :) 'Friends' don't do this to each other.

Why are you doing nearly all the pick-ups? I think what you are saying is that you are doing the bulk of childcare and housework, in which case I would prefer to be single and in my own household than effectively enabling his (including overnight stays elsewhere?)

You are too nice and easy-going and putting the children first by picking up the slack, if you can see a way to getting out I would, as saving for a deposit could mean years and years of this and I think you are already getting resentful.

Thanks everyone for your input. I had the afternoon to myself and thought about my relationship. I know we can't continue as we are, and basically I don't really like the man DH has changed into (as Cogito pointed out)! It's been very useful to think about how outsiders would perceive our situation. So thanks again.

these "amicable" separations while you still live in the same house seem only to suit the tom-catting partner

your H is taking the piss, big style

you are not going to tolerate it, are you ?

It sounds like my ex hubby. He couldn't afford to move out straight away, so moved into the spare room. As it was 'amicable' I was still washing the clothes, cleaning the house, etc, and staying home whilst he was out with the new girlfriend I knew nothing about. He surfaced one morning with a love bite - and that was the end of our arrangement. I reckon it would have dragged on for months if I hadn't seen the love bite. Plus, he was spending money on the new gf that he was supposed to be saving for a deposit. When you're trying to impress a new gf and offering to pay for everything, the money soon disappears. Sleeping on his friend's sofa certainly gave him some clarity

I'm definitely not going to tolerate it! I do sometimes wonder if he has another woman - who exactly is he staying with on these random nights out? It's not any friends I know.

We're splitting and moving apart, so I won't need to worry about it anymore

good luck, OP

don't be anybody's glorified housekeeper x