We have been together for 18 years, married for 15. I feel we have now come to a natural conclusion as I have finally woken up to the fact that he really does not give a shit about me and I really do not feel that I should have to put up with it. My self esteem is already rock bottom and it makes me feel 10 times worse knowing that my 'life partner' is with me only because of the DCs (he has said this many times). He never says he loves me, in fact never shows me any affection at all and I am crying out for it 
. I deal with everything from housework to shopping to bills to everything for the DC. On his day off yesterday, he got up late, then watched football and went to the gym. Did nothing with the DCs at all, let me take the youngest one to the supermarket (nightmare) while he sat on his arse and then made no attempt to help lug the 20 million bags of shopping from the car to the house which is quite a distance.
He has not done anything 'wrong'. He works very long hours (so he does not have to deal with DCs, he finds it hard being at home with them and loses his temper easily), does not drink or do drugs, is not violent, has not had affairs etc but he has been putting me down subtlely for years. He has admitted he does not find me attractive as I have put on weight since having the DCs (was a size 8 when we met, now a size 18).
Since having DC4, things have got worse because according to him, as I wanted a 4th DC and he did'nt, I should not be expecting any help from him at all with night time wakings, feeding, bathing etc. It is my job (along with the other 3) as I am not working. I have been very 'ill' for the last few years with extreme anxiety which has been an utter nightmare (panic attacks, extreme irrational fear, all kinds of physical symptoms which had convinced me I could drop dead at any moment) and he has never shown me any compassion. He tells me to get over it and expects me to do everything as normal. It upsets me so much as if it was him suffering, I would have moved heaven and earth to help him. I have no family support and not a friend on this earth as I have isolated myself due to my anxiety.
An example of his emotional putdowns are telling my sister in front of me who said I was a 'strong woman' after losing DD2 to stillbirth and then having very unexpected twin boys 10 months later and coping with HIM working nights and sleeping in the day (so very little sleep and still having to get DD1 to school on time and keep the babies quiet) that 'No she's not strong, it's not that hard'.
He has worked in a job that requires him to work nights/or finish very late at night and work weekends for over 10 years knowing that I have a phobia about being on my own in the house at night and hate him working these hours as I can't sleep and feel like a single parent. He has never made any attempt to even look for any other job let alone retrain. I could not imagine doing something that made him so unhappy.
I used to work earning much more than him before we had twins. When our DD1 was 3, we moved so put her with a new childminder expecting her to stay with the childminder until she started school as we did not want to move her again. Despite taking up references, the childminder turned out to be a nightmare, ringing me in the evening at least once a fortnight telling me she could'nt have DD the next day as her baby had a hospital appointment she had forgotten about/not changing DD's clothes if she had an accident. The final straw was her writing a long detailed letter accusing my DD of trying to feed her baby a sausage and also of putting a cushion over the baby to stop her incessant crying (probably drove DD nuts) and saying she would be informing OFSTED of this! I immediately decided that DD was not going back there and took time off work until we made a decision on what to do about childcare. At this time DH was in a much lower paid job with little prospects but he would not countenance staying at home with DD for just over a year until she started school. We would have been fine on my salary, his was not enough. In the end I could not see any other option other than me quitting my job (we had been trying for a DC2 for 2 years up to this point) as I did not want DD to go through upheaval yet again. I found out I was pg with DD2 less than a month after I finished work (losing very generous maternity benefits) and all through this DH was castigating me for quitting my job. Who the hell else he thought would look after her, I don't know! We found out at 30 weeks that DD2 had an abnormality and were referred to a London hospital for a further investigation. We discovered at this appointment that there was no hope for her and I would have to give birth to her being already dead, dead after birth or dead within a few weeks. DH then went straight back to work leaving me to make my own way home. We had a further appointment to discuss if we wanted intervention to keep her alive for a short period if she lived through the birth. DH decided to go to work and not come as he 'needed to keep busy'. 2 months later, he was sacked from this job (cue financial nightmare) as he asked for his pay to be increased as they had promised so they came up with a load of BS as an excuse to sack him knowing about our loss (settled with us before it went to tribunal which I dealt with) I cannot and have not ever forgotten that he had more misplaced loyalty to his employers than to me.
There is lots more including a dream move abroad as he was offered a job over there which in the end caused us to come back to the UK 2 years later penniless with 3 DCs and nothing but clothes in suitcases due to him not knowing how much he would be paid and getting ripped off by his employers (complicated story). He blames me for wanting to go but he should never have taken to job in the first place. I could not attend the interview or talk to his employers for him fgs.
The last straw was yesterday wen he refused to get up with DC4, (I was feeling very dizzy and ill) as 'you wanted him, you deal with him'. I actually found myself thinking that I should feel lucky that he had stayed with me when I am such a mess (he has kept himself in very good shape and he is good looking). I then immediately thought WTF, I am not lucky to have him at all, there was a glimmer of the 'old me' there and I cannot stand the thought of being this pathetic person clutching at someone who has no respect for me any longer. I deserve better than him.
Well done if you got this far!
Advice pleaseeeee.