If your parents split up when you were 6 years old...

[MyelinSheath]

how much of it do you remember? Dd has just turned 6 and it's likely that before she's 7 we will be separated. Possibly quite soon. I think dd has picked up on tension in the house over the last 6 months. We haven't been arguing but I've been unhappy. Dh and I both have dd as our first concern and we will do everything we can to make sure she suffers as little as possible, but I realise that she is certainly old enough to be very upset by it all.
Any advice would be appreciated. Would love to know how it felt from a child's perspective. My parents split up but only much later.

[runningforthebusinheels]

I was 9, my brother was 6. We both remember the day we were told vividly, and we were both devastated. We were taking the dog out, and db and I were sat in the car. Dad just leaned into the car and said that sometimes people meet other people that they just can't live without, and he had met someone like this and would be going to live with her.

I can then remember walking with the dog and mum talking about it to us and us saying 'I just want to die if daddy doesn't live with us anymore' (I still feel guilty about saying that to mum.) Dad had left mum for another woman, and although the shock of finding out that day remains with me, life afterwards was fine. While we were young we spent every Sunday with dad, and he would visit us one night in the week, and he did make a real effort to do nice things with us (and bought us sweets ) which he had never done while living with us.

Both parents, but my mum in particular, behaved in an exemplary way when they split, I cannot praise them enough. They never badmouthed one another, and they always put us first. Growing up wasn't without it's difficulties though. Both mum and dad remarried and had more children. There were stepchildren in the mix too, and me and db often felt like 'the inbetweenies' going to and fro between one 'proper' family' and another. But on reflection, I would always choose my large family with many siblings than the nuclear family we'd have been if mum and dad had stayed together.

Sorry, just realised I've been waffling on for ages

[Lovemy3kids]

I was 4 when my mum left me and my 2 sisters-I don't remember the run up to her leaving, and I don't remember any arguing-but I do remember the day my dad told us. The bit in between mum leaving and her remarrying has, I can only assume, been blocked out by me and having had conversations with my sisters (we are now 40, 43 and 45), they don't remember it either. Dad was, and still is, very bitter towards my mum for leaving - he had to work 2 jobs just to pay the mortgage. He never has a good word to say about her even though he has been married for well over 30 years now.

I left my husband in 2011 and our children are 7, 10 and 14 -we have tried to stay on good terms but have fallen out at the moment. I try not to inflict my views of their dad onto them and they do know the real reason for us separating as we sat down and were honest with them. I am now 40 and neither of my parents will tell us as to why they separated-and I did not want that for my children so have been honest all the way.

[MyelinSheath]

Thank you so much for all your stories. I probably should have put this info at the top but didn't think about it. I will never badmouth dh because he is a genuinely lovely man and is a good father. I have nothing bad to say about him, the reason we are splitting is due to my sexuality. We have great role models of my parents who split soon after we got together. They managed to keep it civil and are now good friends and we all have Christmases and dinners together. I know dh and I will both want to be like that if possible.
It's very hard, but this is the right thing for us and I really hope dd will feel, as some of you did that, that it was the right thing to do.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I was 9 and still suffer the after effects today, not of the split - that was the best day, but all the abusive crap that went on before she finally left him. I never had to see dickhead father ever again, had a great life from then on in.

[wickedestsminthewest]

This is good 10 rules for divorced parenting

[wickedestsminthewest]

I think my parents handled their divorce pretty well really. I do remember rows, although not too many. My Dad was pretty much a real git to my Mum, making life unbearable so that she was the one who ended it even though it was him who was unhappy in the marriage. But it is only as an adult that I have worked that one out. She never told me any details at all and, as is right, she used her adult friends to lean on.

I think it is unforgivable when people use their children as their emotional crutch. Children should be children. I think if you let them be that then they?ll be okay out of it. My DD certainly is. Because my ex and I put her first. By that I don?t mean in an obvious way i.e. giving her what she wants and spoiling her, I mean genuinely putting her long term needs above our own short term agendas. Sadly my step daughter didn?t receive the same treatment when her parents divorced when she was 7 and she is a mess.

[RA88]

I was 6 when my parents split ( now 23) I remember the arguments , abuse my mom had in the last few months , and they had a very bad break up !my mom , myself and brother moved away and us kids didn't see my dad for a while ( about a year I think )

I am to this day, and as far as I can remember always was , glad they split ! Im not traumatised by it all , I'd rather my parents be in happy relationships .

Your split seems to be amicable , my parents wasn't so I'm sure everything will be fine . Wish you luck

[Eglu]

I was 6 and I can remember little bits of my parents arguing beforehand. I can not really remember what is was like us all living as a family though.

[sandyboots]

that link to the 10 rules was great, thanks

there's a book I found invaluable, called 'its not your fault koko bear'
you can get it on amazon

good luck OP

[gafhyb]

wonkylegs. That is a remarkably fucked-up thing to do to you

[MissusL]

I split from my ex husband when my children were 7 and 4. My son - now 21 - says he is glad we split when we did as looking back it had less impact on them then if we had split when they were older. They see their Dad every other weekend and we tried very hard not to argue in front of them. He hears from some of his friends' about their parents, who are still together, arguing and bickering in front of them, and his friends being worried about them splitting up and is glad that he is not going through that. (He also loves the fact that he gets 2 sets of birthday and xmas pressies! - sorry bit flippant). I also know of an acquaintance who's parents split when she was 16, they had waited until the children had grown up before splitting. She now feels that her childhood was a lie because it's now obvious that any happy memories she has were built on lies and her parents weren't happy.