If your parents split up when you were 6 years old...

[MyelinSheath]

how much of it do you remember? Dd has just turned 6 and it's likely that before she's 7 we will be separated. Possibly quite soon. I think dd has picked up on tension in the house over the last 6 months. We haven't been arguing but I've been unhappy. Dh and I both have dd as our first concern and we will do everything we can to make sure she suffers as little as possible, but I realise that she is certainly old enough to be very upset by it all.
Any advice would be appreciated. Would love to know how it felt from a child's perspective. My parents split up but only much later.

[MissusL]

I split from my ex husband when my children were 7 and 4. My son - now 21 - says he is glad we split when we did as looking back it had less impact on them then if we had split when they were older. They see their Dad every other weekend and we tried very hard not to argue in front of them. He hears from some of his friends' about their parents, who are still together, arguing and bickering in front of them, and his friends being worried about them splitting up and is glad that he is not going through that. (He also loves the fact that he gets 2 sets of birthday and xmas pressies! - sorry bit flippant). I also know of an acquaintance who's parents split when she was 16, they had waited until the children had grown up before splitting. She now feels that her childhood was a lie because it's now obvious that any happy memories she has were built on lies and her parents weren't happy.

[gafhyb]

wonkylegs. That is a remarkably fucked-up thing to do to you

[sandyboots]

that link to the 10 rules was great, thanks

there's a book I found invaluable, called 'its not your fault koko bear'
you can get it on amazon

good luck OP

[Eglu]

I was 6 and I can remember little bits of my parents arguing beforehand. I can not really remember what is was like us all living as a family though.

[RA88]

I was 6 when my parents split ( now 23) I remember the arguments , abuse my mom had in the last few months , and they had a very bad break up !my mom , myself and brother moved away and us kids didn't see my dad for a while ( about a year I think )

I am to this day, and as far as I can remember always was , glad they split ! Im not traumatised by it all , I'd rather my parents be in happy relationships .

Your split seems to be amicable , my parents wasn't so I'm sure everything will be fine . Wish you luck

[wickedestsminthewest]

I think my parents handled their divorce pretty well really. I do remember rows, although not too many. My Dad was pretty much a real git to my Mum, making life unbearable so that she was the one who ended it even though it was him who was unhappy in the marriage. But it is only as an adult that I have worked that one out. She never told me any details at all and, as is right, she used her adult friends to lean on.

I think it is unforgivable when people use their children as their emotional crutch. Children should be children. I think if you let them be that then they?ll be okay out of it. My DD certainly is. Because my ex and I put her first. By that I don?t mean in an obvious way i.e. giving her what she wants and spoiling her, I mean genuinely putting her long term needs above our own short term agendas. Sadly my step daughter didn?t receive the same treatment when her parents divorced when she was 7 and she is a mess.

[wickedestsminthewest]

This is good 10 rules for divorced parenting

[KatieScarlett2833]

I was 9 and still suffer the after effects today, not of the split - that was the best day, but all the abusive crap that went on before she finally left him. I never had to see dickhead father ever again, had a great life from then on in.

[MyelinSheath]

Thank you so much for all your stories. I probably should have put this info at the top but didn't think about it. I will never badmouth dh because he is a genuinely lovely man and is a good father. I have nothing bad to say about him, the reason we are splitting is due to my sexuality. We have great role models of my parents who split soon after we got together. They managed to keep it civil and are now good friends and we all have Christmases and dinners together. I know dh and I will both want to be like that if possible.
It's very hard, but this is the right thing for us and I really hope dd will feel, as some of you did that, that it was the right thing to do.

[Lovemy3kids]

I was 4 when my mum left me and my 2 sisters-I don't remember the run up to her leaving, and I don't remember any arguing-but I do remember the day my dad told us. The bit in between mum leaving and her remarrying has, I can only assume, been blocked out by me and having had conversations with my sisters (we are now 40, 43 and 45), they don't remember it either. Dad was, and still is, very bitter towards my mum for leaving - he had to work 2 jobs just to pay the mortgage. He never has a good word to say about her even though he has been married for well over 30 years now.

I left my husband in 2011 and our children are 7, 10 and 14 -we have tried to stay on good terms but have fallen out at the moment. I try not to inflict my views of their dad onto them and they do know the real reason for us separating as we sat down and were honest with them. I am now 40 and neither of my parents will tell us as to why they separated-and I did not want that for my children so have been honest all the way.

[runningforthebusinheels]

I was 9, my brother was 6. We both remember the day we were told vividly, and we were both devastated. We were taking the dog out, and db and I were sat in the car. Dad just leaned into the car and said that sometimes people meet other people that they just can't live without, and he had met someone like this and would be going to live with her.

I can then remember walking with the dog and mum talking about it to us and us saying 'I just want to die if daddy doesn't live with us anymore' (I still feel guilty about saying that to mum.) Dad had left mum for another woman, and although the shock of finding out that day remains with me, life afterwards was fine. While we were young we spent every Sunday with dad, and he would visit us one night in the week, and he did make a real effort to do nice things with us (and bought us sweets ) which he had never done while living with us.

Both parents, but my mum in particular, behaved in an exemplary way when they split, I cannot praise them enough. They never badmouthed one another, and they always put us first. Growing up wasn't without it's difficulties though. Both mum and dad remarried and had more children. There were stepchildren in the mix too, and me and db often felt like 'the inbetweenies' going to and fro between one 'proper' family' and another. But on reflection, I would always choose my large family with many siblings than the nuclear family we'd have been if mum and dad had stayed together.

Sorry, just realised I've been waffling on for ages

[BertieBotts]

I was 6. I don't remember it although my mum tells me I was upset when she told us (Not sure why they didn't tell us together...) I only vaguely remember them being together, they tended to argue away from us, so wasn't really aware of much tension in the house, so they must have talked to us about it being better because they made each other unhappy, and they were happier apart.

I do remember an overall feeling that things were better because they'd split up, but I don't know if I was a bit older when this happened or whether it was to do with the conversations etc rather than a general feeling. We didn't have much money and had to move to a smaller house when I was 9 which I do remember being upsetting.

We used to like going to visit our dad in his flat, because it was a change of scene and made things exciting, and it was nice having one on one time with each parent. I enjoyed having two Christmases

It was just normal, to me. Lots of people said "Oh, sorry..." or acted like it was something to be pitied, but I always told them, no, it's fine - they're both happier now, it was the right thing. And I gained a stepmum who I get on with and a half brother and sister too, and before they were born a whole set of cousins, aunties etc on my stepmum's side. We got to do different things with them that mum wasn't interested in, like horseriding. It was great!

I don't have much of a relationship with my dad now but feel that is more because he doesn't try very hard to keep in contact with us now we are adults.

[wonkylegs]

My parents didn't split up when I was a child but should of. All of us remember the arguments and discomfort of being with them together through our childhood from an early age. As I got older my mums resentment that they were still together became a burden that I carried to protect my siblings. She decided to leave my dad and announce they were getting divorced 2 days after DH and I announced we were getting married, overshadowing what should have been a happy time. This is something I have never been able to forgive her for. She made my childhood miserable by constantly thinking of leaving and never doing anything about it. Even when they weren't directly arguing life was still hard work.
Both of them have a new lease of life since splitting up and it's made all of us kids have a better relationship with them (when they finally split my little DB was still at school even though I was an adult)

[SunshineOutdoors]

applecharlotte I sometimes get that 'sad for my little self' feeling. I think maybe I also have memories buried under the surface but I don't feel like I want to remember them..I'd rather just keep a lid on that can of worms!

I also agree with you that growing up with just one parent felt normal - I'd never known anything else

[applecharlotte]

Sorry you're going through this and the sad experiences of others on here.

I was 6. Like someone else mentioned I remember the before and after but not the event of leaving. I only remember being in the room when one argument happened where my Dad kicked the fire guard and being scared. However when I was 25 I went and had hypnotherapy for smoking and whilst being 'under' remembered sitting on the top of the stairs with my sister after bedtime and listening to my parents argue - this made me feel sad for my 'little self!'

My overwhelming memory is growing up and ALWAYS feeling my mum leaving my dad WAS the best thing. No one said that to me but I think I always knew and continue to believe that I would have been so much more unhappy if my parents stayed together. It used to puzzle me as a teen when people would pull a 'sad poor you' face when they heard my parents were divorced as it was normal to me and my mum provided a very stable childhood after we left.

My mum never bad mouthed my Dad (even though he deserved it!). We saw him every other weekend and I do remember him making catty comments about my mum and trying to find out about any boyfriends she had. I remember at the time feeling very uncomfortable about that and believe if you can keep all your adult emotions/feelings to yourself.

I really believe if you handle it well children can come out of this situation reasonable unscathed. It sounds as if you will.

[juneau]

P.S. I should perhaps add that my Dad was leaving my mother for her best friend, so the situation was just generally horrible. Plus, he stayed in our house and she and her kids moved in, my mum, sis and I moved out, so if possible definitely avoid that as a scenario. Being forced to leave our house and then seeing her move in was agony.

[BalloonSlayer]

I was about 8 so a bit old for you OP, but I thought I would post anyway.

I don't remember any rows, although I remember feeling bemused and interested at finding several broken mugs on the floor beside the wall one morning, where my Mum had obviously thrown them at my Dad.

I do think part of a child's reaction depends on how/why parents split up. In my parents' case, my Mum felt totally emotionally neglected by my Dad and she had been miserable for years. Dad, on the other hand, was quite happy and thus had no interest in doing anything to help her be any happier. When she finally couldn't stand it any more and pushed for a split (this is a huge simplification by the way) he took it very badly.

My Mum was careful never to say a word to us against my Dad, no matter what he said about her. She explained time and time again that he was not a bad person, but that she just didn't love him any more and that she was sorry to do this to us but she couldn't go on being married to him. He was - understandably - very bitter but Mum used to almost make us see him, well she used to make my 14 year old sister phone him to arrange for us to see him, which she was often reluctant to do in the early days as Dad was not always pleasant company at that time - he would never had been violent but it could be a bit uncomfortable. This might seem mean but it kept our relationship with him going and my eldest sister was, to his dying day, his favourite.

Dad kept her very short of money but she never complained, she always made it clear that breaking up was her choice. As we grew up we all could clearly see that Dad was emotionally distant and all came to see why she couldn't stand to be married to him any more, but largely because of her efforts in the early days we all had a good relationship with him. She still feels bad about breaking up the family but I actually think it is better that she did, I think I had a better relationship with Dad than if I had had to live with him when a teenager. My stepfather (whom Mum also later divorced) was a totally different kettle of fish, fun, affectionate, generous and in a lot of ways a far more openly loving Dad, and I have lots of happy family memories from my teenage years involving him.

[SunshineOutdoors]

I was 6 when my parents split up and I honestly don't remember any of it. I think a lot of it must have been hidden as I remember thinking we were moving because of Mum's job.

My siblings were teenagers and I think it would have been harder for them, to be honest. I got looked after and protected where to an extent I don't think they did.

Having said that, I do think it's strange that I don't remember any of it... only have a couple of memories of when my dad lived with us. I do remember at this age though sleepwalking and seeing a psychiatrist because I kept wetting the bed. So maybe it affected me more than I thought and I've 'blocked it out'?

I do remember as a teen feeling glad I didn't know all the details at the time as I may have judged things I didn't understand, seeing things as black and white instead of the grey reality. As an adult I have good relationships with both my parents but feel anything that went on is between them and nothing to do with me.

My dad has never badmouthed my mum and vice versa.

[juneau]

I was 6. I remember everything. EVERYTHING. I remember my Dad telling us (I have sister who was 3) and my mum standing there with tears running down her face. I remember us being sent to my grandparents so my mother could pack up all our stuff and move it to a rental property while we were gone. Look, I'm not going to go on, but talk to your DD, explain things to her in well-thought-out language. Don't hide stuff from her that she will work out - it will be devastating for her. Always be honest. Tell her that she can ask you anything and you'll do your best to answer her questions. Be civil with your ex-H at all times. Don't slag him off to her or put her in the middle of anything. And if/when you find a new partner, always put her first. Make sure you tell her you love her and that Daddy still loves her. If she's close to her dad, like I was, this is going to be very hard for her.

[Catrin]

No advice as a child, but my dd is 6 and we have recently separated. She knows that we both love her very much, but that he and I cannot live together anymore. She sees him fortnightly and rings him when she needs to. She has had a few wobbles (namely when she asked STBXH if he was coming home and he said he couldn't because I wouldn't let him. This is not only untrue, but mean to both her and I). I have been gently firm and told her the situation won't be changing. There is no blueprint for this, so you just have to do it in as positive a way as possible. TBH, she hasn't really missed him - he was not a family man at all, so we are used to it being just me and her.
Good luck with it all.

[HellonHeels]

Like OrigamiRose I remember it vividly (was a lot older though, at 11) and both my parents behaved badly. My mother also hostile and angry towards my father and took care that my sister and I knew every single shitty thing he did. She used me to lean on emotionally; I had to be in the room while she ranted to her friends; when we moved to a smaller house she made me share a bed with her. Suffocating and intense but I was not allowed to express emotions.

My dad had behaved badly and neglected the family before they split (there was an OW); tried his best to get out of any financial obligations (that's my mother's version but is probably broadly accurate); was never again a Dad to us - he called a few times a year, took us out for birthdays. We never had overnight visits, no room or bed in his house for us.

Bit of a rant there! If you and your DH keep it pleasant, get adult sources of support and both make it clear you still want to parent your DD she will have a much better time of it than I did. Good luck, you sound a caring mum.

[GodisaDJ]

I was 3.5 when 'he' left.

Remember some rows, a specific one I recalled to my mum not long back, she couldn't believe I remembered.

My sister who is older, used to hide me under the covers so I didn't hear the rows.

My advice-

Listen to what your dd wants. The relationship was forced on me from when he left through to my teens. He wasn't a great dad (still isn't really) but all I was told was "but he's your dad.." whenever I questioned why I went to see him every other weekend. I didn't know him and didn't want to I guess. And I knew that from an early age.

No bitching about each other, even if you think they're not listening, or even the sarcastic comments which you think children don't understand. My mum never did but dad used to drop in comments which were out of turn about my mum or little in jokes with my step mum.

When she's older, discuss the reasons for breaking up. I found out from a family member about dads affairs and that should have come from one or both parents; I still don't know why he had them.

Sorry to hear you marriage has come to an end. I hope you find happiness in the future and that your dd has a fabulous relationship with her father.

[origamirose]

I was 8 and remember it vividly.
I remember both my parents being upset and crying. I remember my mother being angry and hostile to my father (she still is).
I look back on that time with real sadness. My parents had a dreadful marriage which was bound to break at some point. If they had behaved with more maturity and less selfishness all the trauma could have been avoided. They were so caught up on their own hurt/guilt that they forgot about us.
You sound like you have the best interests of you DC at heart. The only advice I can give you (I'm also a step mum) is hide any animosity you may feel about you DCs dad from her never ever slag him off in front of her. There is a post on lone parents (called something like interesting video) check it out - it rang true for me (and my siblings).
Good luck I am sure you will keep your DC safe. X

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

Nothing useful to add, but hope you are okay OP