Forgotten how to be a wife...?

[domuarigatomrsroboto]

Good morning all,

I guess I'm just after some advice really. As my post title says, I feel that I've forgotten how to be a wife :( We had our DS 10 months ago. Despite knowing how much we wanted a baby, I had no idea how infinately hard it was going to be. Our darling son is breastfed and still wakes at least twice a night for a feed, and often more than that as he gets a bit unsettled (particularly at the moment as he seems to have a never-ending cold and cough). For the first few months of his life he didn't like to be put down, and we met (and still meet) all of his needs as they arise. He's so much more easygoing now, but the tiredness is beginning to take its toll on DH and I, particularly our sex life. Nothing for more than 10 months, bar a few hand jobs and the like (which he always has to ask for :(). I've only let DH touch me 'down there' once.

DH, who is a wonderful father and more than does his share around the house and with DS, has been so patient with me, but I know that this is now becoming quite a problem for him. I had a traumatic birth and had to be cut and stitched. But it's been 10 months now and I have almost zero interest in anything remotely sexy. I really want this to change though. I was never a highly sexed person really, but at least on occaision I would get 'that feeling' and we would have some kind of fun. That seems to be what we're missing at the moment. Things haven't been fun for a long while. I guess through tiredness we're ratty with each other and fall out here and there. We never ever argued before we had DS. Apart from the sex side of things, our relationship was perfect.

I really want to break this drought, for my DH more than anything else. But how to do it when I'm not feeling remotely sexy/sexual at all? And I'm worried about how it's going to feel, will it hurt, after my episiotomy? I know I'm perfectly well healed by now, but it actually terrifies me. I feel I want to wait until a time that we know we won't be interrupted - when DM and DSD have him for a few hours in the day, for example - so I can relax and we can just have fun. But maybe I'm just building it up into this massive thing that I have to get over and I should just jump DH in the shower or something... He's always saying that we lack spontaneity and fun in that sense. ..

Am I taking this whole thing too seriously? It's been so long and I really want to be a fun, sexy wife as well as a mother, but sometimes I feel that I just don't have enough in me to be both at the moment...

It is very very common to feel the way you do, and breastfeeding seems to kill sexual desire for a lot of women! Those feelings will come back, and you are probably completely normal 'down there'after 10 months. Just keep talking to your partner, keep cuddling and go with the flow.

I like the sound of jumping him in the shower, if nothing else, you should both get a giggle out of it and that would be a good start.
Please don't think that you are an exception, there are lots of us struggling with a totally changed body (stretch marks and a baby bag ffs! How unsexy are they!) the differing quality of the repair work after cutting and tearing, the hormone soup that slops around our veins, the tiredness and aching from dealing with babies...
Is it a wonder we don't quite feel our perky best lol!

I dare you, go and pinch his bum

Don't put pressure on yourself as that will make you less likely to want to.

Your DH sounds like a good man, you sound like great parents. You have a lot going for you. What you need to do is start getting physically close again - start giving him a quick kiss or cuddle during the day, hold his hand lots, make sure you have a cuddle and chat right before you go to sleep. You aren't going to be able to think about sex until you're physically close again. You also need to tell him you're scared of it hurting and that you need him to be very gentle whenever you do have sex.

Don't offload DS toGP for 3 hours so tou can have sex or you'll feel pressure to have sex which will be off-putting. But maybe do that so you can have a few hours to go out together for lunch or dinner.

And then one day you'll feel like sex. One say when DS is napping, suggest a 'nap' to DH and head to bed. Get naked and see what happens.

Heading to bed when DS was napping saved sex for me and DH - we were too tired at night but more up for it in the middle of the day. Often we wouldn't have sex but would cuddle, chat or even just fall asleep too. But we made sure we were always naked and cuddled up for that hour and it helped us reconnect

And yes yes yes to pinching his bum! V good idea

How about starting with a blow job? he'll be pleased, you'll be getting back into the swing of things without actually needing your bits.

I agree that picking up your sex life after having kids can be challenging. With me and DH, our problem was that we had always been morning people, which doesn't work at all with a couple of early risers, so we had to adapt to an evening sex life. That was harder than it sounds, as for quite a while it just didn't really occur to us (me?) to have sex in the evening, and sex in the morning was a no go so it ended up just sort of not happening. We did have to make a conscious effort to get the ball rolling (as it were)!

I think this is becoming a bigger deal in your head the longer it lasts and that is making things harder for you. Please don't wait until you have babysitting sorted. Just jump on him! If it gets interrupted because DS starts crying, it's not the end of the world is it? Just try again the following night. I know you're tired and it seems like so much effort, but imagine if your DH asked you for some other small favour (eg making him a sandwich or something) - you'd just get on with it, wouldn't you, even if you felt knackered and really just wanted to go and sit on the sofa. It will be worth the effort, honestly.

PS I had an episiotomy too - you should be fine by now.

Dress sexy day to day to feel good about yourself. Send each other dirty texts to get in the mood through the day. If the kids interupt just sort them out and go back to it.

We have often had breaks mid sesh whilst kids need sorting out but then just go straight back to it. Also as you have waited a long time it sounds like you have made it a massive thing in your mind. I bet you will enjoy it

stop feeling guilty about it for a start, its not your fault. Your dp sounds lovely and patient, but i understand wanting to get back into it. When there were times my libido went away, i missed it at the same time as not having it. Its for both of you to try and rekindle it. Its lovely to have that part of a relationship alongside the drudgery of parenting.
I think its probably breastfeeding hormones supressing it to a certain extent, as thats really common

I can sympathise completely OP. The aspect of your story that caught my eye was your mention that your DS is still breastfed. My DD is 11 months and following a few severe chomps on my nipples with her newly sprouted teeth whilst feeding we stopped BF at 10 months, which was all rather sudden because I had intended to feed til she was one but good lord, those teeth hurt...

ANYWAY, the unexpected glorious silver lining was a sudden resurgence of a previously completely withered sex drive once I stopped feeding. Up until that point my experience and feelings mirrored yours exactly. I had been quite desolate on occasions and got myself ridiculously worked up thinking that this was it, sex for me was over forever because I just wasn't interested and that DH and I would drift apart and that would be the end of things. Of course, in reality my lovely, patient husband took things at my pace just as yours is doing. I know everyone's hormones and personal feelings about breastfeeding are different and I'm certainly not trying to say you should stop BF just to feel horny again but I thought you might just like the reassurance that if/when you do stop the change in your desire level and more importantly, how you feel about yourself, is significant once you stop being so absolutely 'depended on' by your DS in that way, with your body on call at all hours.

Be gentle with yourself, things really will work themselves out.

And the bum pinching idea is a top one :)

I agree completely. The other thing that I found was that I often felt "all touched out". Having a small person attached to me all day (and a large chunk of the night) meant that by the time DH had come home, all I wanted to do is to be left alone! It was worse after our second (sorry), because I also had a toddler crawling all over me, desperate for attention. And when DH wanted to touch me, all I could think was "and you want a piece of me too!". That also got a lot better as the DDs grew up and became more independent.

Regarding the episiotomy, I have a lot of sympathy, I also had a very traumatic birth. I would take it very slow, and do a lot of touching and playing first - perhaps a massage to relax you - it doesn't have to be full on penetrative sex straight away, as long as your bits are involved in the action, it'll help you see them as sexual again (rather than the battle scarred birthing apparatus that they've been).

I may get flamed for this, but imo it may be time to stop the breastfeeding.I stopped after 5 months, the baby was getting increasingly hungrier and needed solids.And baby turned out just fine.
I think your body will then go back to much more like normal.

amillionyears - you should get flamed for that ill-thought out and not very relevant suggestion that the OP stop breastfeeding! She asked for advice on how to improve her sex life, not on whether she should stop breastfeeding or not. That is for her, and only her, to decide.

How on earth is YOUR baby needing solids at 5 months at all relevant to the OP wanting to improve HER sex life? I would presume she is giving both solids and breastmilk to her DS at 10 months (you don't have to stop bf when you introduce solids you know!) so I very much doubt her baby is going hungry...

Yes breastfeeding MAY impact her libido, but that doesn't mean she can't breastfeed and have sex - plenty of women manage it - nor does it mean stopping breastfeeding will definitely improve her libido as there are no guarantees on that. Everybody else on this thread has given really constructive advice. You seem to be telling the OP to give up breastfeeding based on the fact that you decided to stop breastfeeding when your child needed solids, which is so irrelevant to the question asked that it is as laughable as it is worthy of a flaming.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I think I'm definitely obsessing about it way too much and just building it up to be this big scary thing. Have pinched his bum a few times and will just focus on getting close and intimate again rather than worrying about The Sex.

Can I ask a question of those of you that had episiotomies - which position did you find the most comfortable to start with?

I'm certainly not giving up breastfeeding though. Got my heart set on a year at least :)

Thank you again all.

I had some particularly bad tearing and restitching which I won't scare you by going into detail about... and there is no doubt there are positions that hurt enormously due to nerve damage down there HOWEVER the encouraging thing is that in the right mood, with enough good humour and being relaxed, even I managed it

Just to double reassure you, believe me, if you were going to have any of the problems I had re: scars and pain postnatally, you would know all about it by now sex or no sex. As you have no pain in general I think you are highly unlikely to have pain with sex - so I'd put it right out of your mind altogether!!

I didn't have an episiotomy but did have a tear which worried and made sex a bit uncomfortable at the start. It wasn't so much position for me, as DH being very very gentle when entering me - so not thrusting but just going in really slowly. Also lots of lube the first few times really helped. I was really tense, so if he had been anything other than really gentle then I would have tensed up even more and it would have really hurt. The first time we had sex, I actually asked him to stop almost straight away, come out and then start again once I'd taken a deep breath and relaxed everything again. After sex 2 or 3 times, then I was able to relax more and he didn't have to be so tentative and it was fine quite quickly thereafter.

I think if you can have an honest chat with your DH about it in advance - that you are worried about it hurting, that you really need him to be very very gentle the first few times - then it might help you not feel so tense when the moment comes as you'll know he is forewarned and ready to take it gently.

Good luck!

with DS1 I had a tear/cut/epidoodle/vontose/infection the works, with XH we waited & waited & basically only positions which worked well were missionary (very boring in some respects as we were quite adventurous) however it worked.

with DS2 (8.5 months) and DP, I again tore & had to have stitches, even though we have sexual contact regually it does still pull/hurt at times, build wise he's shorter but more rounded than XH so with him missionary hurts me more, however having my legs down straight makes it more manageable. from behind is a deffo no go, me on top works quite well as am able to control how/where/what etc.

ref the BF thing, DP was worried i'd spurt over him, (innocence lol) never did happen thou.

key points for us we've found to keep things semi happy, is:-

a cuddle in the middle of the kitchen/day etc, quite sad but I do try hard (well we both do) to stop what we're doing when the other comes in & have a hug arms around the neck jobby and a kiss, normally after a couple of days of just a peck the other will moan (usually me) that the only time they have a snog is when he wants some action lol.

also kissing important for us

a cuddle up at bed time in bed, we go to bed at the same time

I do pinch his bum, or slide up next to him in the kitchen for a squidge/feel of his butt - he does it to me however & there's no end of obsenitise about not being an object lol.

for now forget the sex thing, totally forget it, & date each other again - be it (like we do) nachos on the floor with a cushion each & the scrabble board out, hold hands, talk, I know you're tired, DS is still up twice a night, but DP & I try to have a period between 7.30-9 when it's us for 'date' or talking etc, then when you're ready the rest will come easier, for the first few times it probably is a good idea when you know DC isn't going to wake up - again for us this is the first hour he goes to bed, so are able to plan a bit more.

when you do get a jiggy on use lots of lube, be fully relaxed, don't pressure each other and just basically play - touch caress etc.

I agree with chocraisin - I had issues with my scar during normal everyday life, so if you're fine sitting down etc. then you're going to have a very good chance at a very nice time. :)

Positions - anything that puts least pressure on the scar - so if the scar is on the perineum, then missionary is best, especially as you can angle yourself a bit to get his penis pushing on the top and not the bottom of your vagina (when you're lying down, i.e. the front and not the back when you're standing). Hope that makes sense. Being very close together also helps, rather than positions where he leans back and your bodies are apart (so, again, missionary).

I found that over time the sex actually helped the scar, and we were able to be more adventurous, and now there is very little that we can't do (although I'm not going to be repeating some very athletic moves that I tried a couple of months ago - ouch!). :)