How to cope with XP who cant move on

[holstenlips]

XP and i have been apart coming up for a year. We have 1DC together. We live in the same town. I ended the relationship due to his drinking drug taking mood swings etc.
We need to move on but he is getting worse not better. He seems obsessed with me.
I have crept around trying to support him but i cant do it anymore. Im on antids and have had cancer diagnosis this year.
I have no new relationship but have dated casually. He doesnt know this. I feel stuck . He has had another meltdown today as i told him i went out with a male friend with our dc.
He is not a bad guy but insults me then says sorry like a broken record. How do i move this on.

You have to limit contact with him and don't bother about insults or apologies.

Hopefully, he'll become less and less obsessed.

I hope you get rid of the cancer, BTW.

Thank you. He told me today hes been through my stuff when here with dc so i guess i have to stop any contact at my house for starters. I feel like he is still a weight i have to drag around. I have 2 dc and work full time so im just knackered with it all.

I had been having this problem with my ex still after almost a year, however, he is now seeing a very very beautiful women and is having lots of fun. Im still an old cat lady lol We get on great anyway mostly so im happy for him but for the first time ever the balance has shifted and its taken some getting used to. Not sure ive explained that well but i know what i mean.

Thanks monster yes i told him today id be happy for him.if he found someone else. It didnt go down well. But perhaps he will soon.

It is not your job to support him. Tell him to attend a separation workshop . Www.drw.org.uk

Stop all contact and discussion other then to do with dc.
Stop him coming to your home.

Get some support yourself on dealing with him.
Watch out for him threatening suicide or other extreme behaviour. But ignore.
Let his friends support him.

Thanks. I have told him today he needs to get support elsewhere. Thanks for the link.

What was he doing going through your stuff?! Do you let him in the house when you are not there?

If so, put a stop to that. Keep contact to a minimum and refuse to discuss anything that isn't directly related to the DC's. You need to take the control back here I think.

He will only see dd at my house during the week as he just pops in after work. I have left him there a few times but now he admits he has been through my clothes/underwear and also paperwork etc.
I think i have probably made the situation worse by trying to remain friends and also by listening to his ranting.
Will have to stop contact at my house.

Clothes/underwear? That's unhinged. The guy needs help. Seriously. What if you meet someone else and he finds out? Is there a friend or parent who can give him a serious talking to?

Yes, i do think he is getting worse. We are nearly a year down the line. He said yesterday that ''what he had seen'' in my house was destroying him. He meant new underwear im fairly sure.
He has paranoia about everything and everyone. He falls out with people a lot esp at work.
He cant see what weed/skunk has done to himself. He denies even doing it :-(

No family nearby but i could contact his brother if necessary. He seems to have dropped all his friends.

You need to stop being so understanding towards him I'm afraid. He needs to hear a few home truths. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he lost you beacuse he behaved like a selfish child with no self control, you see no evidence that he has changed, and that he is STILL doing it now, by being needy and selfish when you clearly have bigger things on your plate than worrying about him.

Holstenlips, this isn't about him not getting over you, this is about him still wanting to control you. As others have said, detach and stop him visiting in the house if possible. Create those boundaries.

Cut contact except for everything but essentials like when he's going to see your child. And make visits on neutral ground and more formal rather than 'popping in' casual which is a whole can of worms. Don't have him in your house clocking your stuff, on the phone chatting or treating him as a friend - which he can't be any more if he's going to behave this way. Only by cutting him loose and making it clear you're having nothing to do with him do you stand a chance of him turning his attentions elsewhere. His behavioural issues are not your problem any more.

Thank you all for advice. Will def try to take control back. It makes me sad to think hes that wrapped up in himself that he wont put DD first and remember shes had so much to cope with already.
And god forbid if i am not around for any reason then he has to man up.
Going to be firm today and try to set some boundaries.