. My father wants to move to be closer to me. I really don't want him to. What to do?

[ThePoorMansBeckySharp]

My father and I have a difficult relationship and have never been close. Frankly, he has a difficult relationship with everybody and therefore doesn't get on with any of his family and has few/no friends. He is rude, bad-tempered and frequently downright offensive. My husband tolerates him, but only for the sake of peace.

My father now wants to move to our small and fairly isolated village in order to be closer to us. He does not drive and we would be his sole source of practical and emotional support. I am horrified. What do I do?

Have you tried laughing it off I.e. "you in a small village as a non driver and me and family so busy, how would that work?". Then suggesting a town closer to you than his current location but not too close. I would be too cowardly to tell a family member I didn't want them to move near me also...

It'll be ages before he manages to offload his house, then he has to actually find someplace of the right size at the right time where you live anyway. It'll never happen.

Start talking about your potential short-, medium- or long-term plans to move to a different area of the country/ abroad because of your job/ your DH's job/ better schools / house-prices/ predicted earthquake in your village etc. It doesn't have to be now; it could be that you and DH have a long term (5-10year) plan to convert a barn/ buy a farmhouse/ buy a camper van and tour Europe for five years/ emigrate - whatever -and that those plans, though not something you discuss all the time, are still in place and something you're committed to.

Basically, sow the seeds of doubt that you will always be in that village.

The downside is that other relatives will think you're up and off. However, you can explain to them that the plans are not set in stone, but that you don't want your dad moving into the village merely because you are there, because you may well nto be there forever.

Thanks all. I was expecting lots of "You sound like a cold selfish cow!"

I would say "Noooo dont do that"

If you dont get on well with your father now, its unlikely to improve if he moves closer, him living in your village will be a nightmare.

I dont think yabu at all. (I dont get on with my father either)

That's the thing, do I just bite the bullet and say 'No. That doesn't work for us. Sorry.' rather than underhand tactics?

If this were me I wouldnt bother with the underhand sneakyness. I would just say no and say why if necessary.
I do love my dad, but I absolutely couldnt live near him. We annoy each other!

Don't do it. Do whatever it takes not to let him move nearby. Say you're so busy and he'd end up not knowing anyone and you wouldn't have time to see him. Tell him the buses are once a day and the local pub has shut down. Tell him anything as long as he doesn't come!

It's ok for him to move nearer but you need to set ground rules in place eg

He needs to be somewhere he can be independent eg a nearby town
He can visit you when invited
You can agree to help him on certain things - drs visits, help finding a house but not staying with you, having lunch with you every weekend etc.

My dad has recently moved to my isolated village but it only works as he is independent, drives, is young enough to make his own friends (75) and we get on well. If my mum suggested the same thing I would not agree ever

Why has he decided to move near you, has he said?

Cod He is looking at moving somewhere to 'see out his twilight years' as it were. I guess he wants to be near to somebody to run him around etc. My sisters, the pair of wankers, are just relieved it's me and not them and are happy for him to move here.

That last post was tongue-in-cheek, by the way, I get on extremely well with my sisters! But their attitude is basically 'Ah well, he seems to think he's moving to your village, what can you do?'

It must be worrying him, getting old and all that. I suppose if you and your sisters will be there to offer help when he needs it there's no reason he should live on the doorstep. Could he have mellowed in his old age?

Sadly he is not mellowing but getting even worse, partly because he is usually drunk.

I think it makes sense for him to live equi-distant-ish to all of us - but then I would say that, wouldn't I?

I wonder why he has chosen to live closer to you than the others? I agree he should live equi-distant though, your sisters would be unfair to think otherwise.

I don't know myself why I am the chosen one. Perhaps because I am the oldest. I really, really do not want my kids growing up with his endless shit. To be completely honest I see him solely as a duty and am perfectly happy seeing him every couple of months.

I think you should say "No, that won't work for us." Because it's the truth. Any underhand tactics or trying to convince him to do something else leaves him miles of wiggle room, and a disrespectful drunk isn't going to back down and respect your position unless you are very, very firm with him.

Yes, there will be fallout: he will not enjoy being denied and will react poorly. Can you cope with that? The alternative is having him on your doorstep, making increasing demands on your time no matter how you feel about it. Saying a firm "No" now is for the best in the long term.

The thing about entitled drunks, is that they don't listen to a firm no.

They just don't respect what you are saying outright to them, so sometimes you just have to make them believe that there is no point in pursuing their course of action for their own benefit rather than your's.

I agree that in general, people should be straight and honest in their relationships. But with lots of people (unreasonable ones) straight and honest results in a permanent falling out, so is not possible unless you are prepared to lose contact with soemone permanently. (Whcih it sounds like you'd be quite happy with, OP?)

If he's like my Mum he sees it as your duty as the eldest or some rubbish. You'll end up being run Personally I'd do anything to stop him moving close to you and if it takes being blunt then so be it.

My Mum moved close some years go. Now, despite loads of warnings, she is too fat to walk, totally housebound, has no friends, estranged from all other family members except my brother who is abroad. Makes no effort with the children.

She's started ringing me or things like me sorting a repeat prescription when she is perfectly capable. I have a lot on my plate with the DC's and she is just an added source of stress and I wish she'd never moved here, totally ruining our relationship as I've realised how selfish she is and how actually my Dad isn't the villain she made out. It's all affecting how I get on with my brother now. Just say whatever it takes now.

If, horror of horrors he moves closer, DO NOT GIVE HIM A KEY! We have given dad a key but he never lets himself in unless we've asked him to wait in the for the kids or let the dogs out. If it was my mum, she would never have our key, she'd be here all the time moaning!

Even though my dad is great and capable I have noticed him asking silly questions he could answer himself. Perhaps it's a sign of him ageing, ir just getting dependant on us.

I would tell your father the story about Mrs friend in the village who's father moved in and it lasted a year before they fell out very badly as his expectations was Mrs friend would be running him around and doing shopping etc. Whereas Mrs friend in the village was just expecting to get on with her life she had made with her job. children activities and dh etc.

it ended badly and mrs friend left the village and moved elsewhere to start over making her life as it had been before her father moved into the village with all his wants and needs.

After seeing that dad I think it really could well be a very big mistake if you are moving to be close to someone as what would happen if we fell out or if my dh got a job elsewhere - what would happen then?

We are in a similar position in that MIL wants to come abroad with us. Everyone on MN and in RL has suggested it'll be a recipe for disaster.

Say there's a distinct possibility your DH / you will have to go and work abroad / in Cheshire / in Scotland for a couple of years. Say you're not sure but he can't possibly move to your isolated village as you might then move away and he'd be unable to travel.

As Longtall says. Tell him that it's a really bad idea, as chances are you will move in the next few years, work makes it likely. say you think that moving closer is a great idea, but what would be best is choosing somewhere equidistant between all children. Then if one of you move, it won't mean he is stuck, and if there is a problem, someone will ALWAYS be able to get to him fairly quickly- whereas, if he moved right close to just one of you, he'd be stuck if something happened when that family was on holiday etc. same with visiting- if he's in the middle, ALL of you can visit more easily and frequently.

I am in a sort of similar fix. I have told the relation in question that they can't afford to buy near us. The average house price here is £100,000 more than where they are. I hoped this would stop it all. But nooooooo, the reply?

But you have a nice big house.....

Ughhh.

Anyway, check house prices in your area and your fathers and fingers crossed he won't be able to afford the move.