Found out I have a half sister

[samoa]

Sorry it is long.

Well, actually I found out a couple of years ago. I am a grown woman and a couple of years ago found out that a young woman who came to stay with us when I was 13/14 yrs old is my half-sister.

My mother had a child when she was 16 and gave her away for adoption. At one point the young woman got in touch with my mum and she came to stay with us for one year. We were told that she was the daughter of a childhood friend of my mum that we had never met. DUring that time I got very close to the young women and considered her as an older sister. Then after a year she decided to travel and we never saw her again. I did not understand why she just disappeared and was extremely hurt.

Anyway, few years ago she gets in contact with me on fb and says that she is still living in the UK and where was I etc etc etc. I was passing through the UK and told her that we could meet up. I told my parents and that is when they decided to tell me that she is in fact my half-sister.

At first I was shocked and started crying. I then spent the whole day feeling physically sick. When I met up with her in the evening I did not tell her straight away that I knew who she was. I wanted to look at her for a while and, in fact, she does look like my mum. I then tell her and we both start cyring etc.

My younger sister was told a few months later. She has contact with her and sees her. I have seen her a few times but not with joy. I am extremely pissed off with my parents for not telling us but I cannot confront my mother because she is ashamed of it and I don't want to hurt her because I know that it was a difficult situation. SO I don't talk about it but then it means that it rears its ugly head once in a while.

I see my half-sister once in a while but I just can't handle it. Even though I now know why she disappeared It still really hurts. And now that I know that she is my half-sister it changes everything. I just can't deal with it and cannot see her, but can't live with the fact that there is a half-sister out there that I do not have a relationship with.

SHe will be coming to my sister's wedding this year. Since I have found out I cannot stop thinking about it.

Has anyone else been through this?

Yes, I've been through similar although the circumstances of finding out differed somewhat to yours.

What is it about the whole thing which upsets you the most? Is it because you were never told?

Thank you for replying.

I am upset because I was never told. I also cannot deal with my half-sister, we are completely different, I feel uncomfortable around her and just don;t know how to deal with her because I am not sure I actually want a relationship with her.

Oh dear! it does sound horrible when I write it down but I just can't deal with it

I don't understand why she had to disappear. Had she wanted you to know and your mum been against it?

I have a recently-found half-sister too. She's lovely.

tallwivglasses - that is it, my parents did not want to tell us so my half-sister left and stopped all contact. But I did not know that.

You don't sound horrible at all, you have been thrown into a difficult situation.

I think the first thing is to try and talk to your mum and see if she will open up about exactly what happened and why she couldn't bring herself to tell you. You have to respect that she may find it difficult to open up as the adoption may have been a very painful part of her life.

Don't force a relationship with your half sister. The bond just isn't there. Try to just see the relationship as a friendship. You may find you no longer wish to pursue it and if this is the case then you shouldn't feel any guilt over it. Clearly your other sister finds the relationship easier to cope with as she has established a relationship with the half sister.

In my case I found out I had two half siblings. I had a brief relationship with one however he died soon after meeting him which was quite sad as he was a decent bloke. The other one I chose not to, I just didn't feel like we had anything in common at all and I really didn't want to put the work in.

I think it would be very challenging to try and incorporate a new sibling into your family / brain at this stage - somewhat akin to suddenly having a step-family but without any of the warning. (I have step- and half-siblings but they have been in my life nearly all my life, it's completely different).

I have a friend who discovered a few years ago he has an older half-sister, not quite your circs, I seem to recall his dad walked out on his first family and then remarried (lovely). They haven't been able to develop a close relationship despite wanting to, I think.

Perhaps if you thought of her as a cousin or an in-law? You don't have to have a relationship with her - and certainly not like the relationship with your other sister.

Don't feel guilty about being conflicted by your feelings - it's a hell of a lot to take in, take it slowly.

You say that before you knew she was your sister you were very close but that now you feel you are totally different. Do you think your feelings about your Mum hiding the truth are colouring your perception of your sister.

Even is she is totally different to you that does not explain why you feel wound-up about seeing her at weddings etc. Are you cross with her? It is not her that lied to you (or if she did it was at the behest of your mother).

I have two half-sisters who I have never met. They appear to have no interest in contact. It saddens me as I have no living blood relatives (other than my own children) and I would like to at least meet them and discuss our father etc. I also have a half brother that I did not know about until he turned up on my doorstep when I was 16. By that point our father was dead. I appreciate his presence in my life even though we are very different and therefore not properly close.

Don't be too angry with your mum, I think so much is tied up with how they think it'll affect your identity. There was me convinced I was the only daughter and my dd was her first grandchild. You see, they'd been in contact, big sis visited with her kids while I was away at college

Big sis finally contacted me a year after my mum died so I can only speculate why it was kept a secret.

Why do you feel uncomfortable with your half-sis now? You say you got on so well when you were younger. Is it just that the truth is clouding things or is there something else?

I was told as an adult that my mum had a child who was adopted. She didn't tell me until the grown up child traced her. I was taken aback at the time but not particularly upset for me. I had just had my first DC and was struck with how incredibly awful it must have been for mum to give a baby away (she had very little choice as I would imagine was the case for your mum). I am in infrequent but friendly contact with my sibling now. I don't find the situation upsetting - which isn't to say you shouldn't of course. Also although I wasn't told anything either by my mum, I didn't have the experience of my sibling appearing and then disappearing like you did. You don't have to have a relationship with your half sister do you? But not having one now, doesn't mean you won't in the future. Can you just keep a channel of contact open and leave it at that for now?