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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think my husband is leaving me....

23 replies

taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 17:41

I don't know where to start ........this is my second marriage and we have only been married for a year! my DH is Brazilian and has only lived here about 5 years now! i have a DD from my first husband.....she is 6. anyway when i met my second husband he was a Pizza chef and told me that he is here only for another 6 months and he is planning to return home. long story short we fell in love so he proposed and here we are a year later him still wirking in the kitchen depressed.....telling me he is not happy here and that this country is shit! the weather is shit everything is depressing him and he misses his old life! i was a single mum when we met and made it clear that england is my home and i dont plan to go anywhere! He learned english in the restaurant so he cannot read or write in english which is a huge problem when it comes to getting s nice job!
we have arguing a lot lately, he started swearing at me in front of my DD and it's affecting her a lot. he is a lovely person but when he is angry snd stressed he looses itand treats me awfully! it's not my fault he can not get a better job and that he has no qualifucations! he made the decision to stay here and make a life with me and now he says he is not happy!
My first husband chose drugs over us.....this one is swearing at and blaming me that his life is not what he thought it would be! why is everything my fault? why do we always need to take care of them? now i am supposed to look for a new job for him because he can't even do the application form! i am not english myself but have lived here past 11 years and worked bloody hard to get to where i am today! life is what you make of it right?
any thoughts? sorry too long.....

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 06/05/2012 17:47

How long have you been together? Hard to work out from your post. It reads as if you have been married for a year and together less than 6 months before you got married. Is that correct? All sounds a bit quick so probably not surprising that there are doubts.

lifechanger · 06/05/2012 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustFab · 06/05/2012 17:51

He isn't a lovely person when he swears at you and in front of your daughter as well.

Help him pack. Get a divorce. Move on with your life.

Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 17:54

we have been married for a year and four months.....together for 2 years now! last night we had a big chat and i said that i will not be disrespected in my home anymore..i said that my DD needs a good dad etc etc. he went to work this morning and last night i said to him to think about everything and find somewhere to sleep tonight if he thinks he can't change! he misses sun, outdoors, he lost all his friends because they went back to brazil but he says he loves us snd can't live without me! i love him so much and i dont know what to do to make him happy!

OP posts:
JustFab · 06/05/2012 18:00

It isn't up to you to make him happy. He has to be partly there himself and not expect you to do everything.

Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 18:03

if i leave him that would be my second divorce....i feel like a total failure! i just wanted to be happy and my DD to have a good dad. i feel like i failed herSad
he decided to stay here with us.....now he is not happy and misses Brazil! what should i do about that?

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 06/05/2012 18:04

So you married when you'd only known each other 8 months? Seems rather quick for him to take on a ready made family. That may be why he is struggling.

Imho you need to think less about what will make him happy and more about the happiness of your dd. I wouldn't put up with someone whose behaviour affected my dcs the way you describe.

izzyizin · 06/05/2012 18:04

Is English your first language and do you speak Portuguese?

Given that he can't read or write English, what type of 'nice' job is he hoping to get?

If you fill out application forms on his behalf it's likely he'll blame you if he doesn't get interviews.

Life is very much what you make it and it sounds as if you've allowed him to make your life and, more importantly, that of your dd, extremely unhappy.

Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 18:06

i said to him to go to school and get some qualifications....learn english etc! he hated school he said plus it would take him long time he said bla bla bla.....well i am not god Angry.....i went through hell with my first husband and now this.....when will i be happy?

OP posts:
JustFab · 06/05/2012 18:08

2 divorces are not the end of the world and you have not let your daughter down. You would be letting her down if you stayed with a man who abuses her mother.

As for when will you be happy? Stop looking for a man to make you happy.

izzyizin · 06/05/2012 18:10

It's no big deal to be divorced twice, but if you don't want to rack up a third (or more) don't get romantically involved with men who need rescuing from drugs, deportation, or themselves.

Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 18:11

no english is my second language but learned english back home when i was very little! i came here when i was 18 years old not knowing a single person and fought on my own! i went to uni and now i work in NHS....i am happy and content well i was at least! i don't speak portuguese we speak english at home!
Oh he has just come home.....with a guilty look on his face!

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 18:14

i am not looking for a man to make me happy! i am not afraid to be alone.....i was on my own for a few years with my DD and wasn't looking for a man it just happened! But i always wanted to have a family kids etc and i guess it might not happen for me

OP posts:
izzyizin · 06/05/2012 18:19

If he 'hated school' it's likely that his Porteguese reading and writing skills are insufficient to get him a 'nice job' in Brazil.

Cooking pizzas doesn't require diplomas from catering colleges or similar, and if he's unwilling to learn new skills he's not going to make much progress in the restaurant trade either.

izzyizin · 06/05/2012 18:25

i always wanted to have a family kids etc and i guess it might not happen for me

It has happened for you; your dd is your family and you should be thankful that you haven't been silly enough to have more dc with a man who is not as ambitious to build a life outside of his country of origin as you were/are.

How is he? Or, to rephrase, is he younger than you and how long had he been in the UK before you met him?

izzyizin · 06/05/2012 18:26

apologises - should read 'How old is he'? I don't need to know how he is as that's apparent from your OP Grin

mrsmillsfanclub · 06/05/2012 18:34

I am in a slightly similiar situation. Dh isn't English and lives here because I couldn't settle in his country after 4 years of trying. He too is very unhappy here, largely because he has an awful job. His English, both written and spoken is fantastic, yet he was still out of work for several years here and just took whatever he could get in the end.

It is wrong for your husband to take out his anger and frustration on you, especially in front of your dd, but I can also see it from his point of view. He is not fulfilled at work, and doesn't even have the pleasure of warm weather, or family nearby. I think you really need to encourage him to go back to Brazil and have a good think about what he wants. I find that when my dp goes back home to visit family without me he is always overjoyed for the first few days, then after that he starts to miss me and my dd.

He could always learn written English on line if he doesn't want to go back to school Learn direct do free courses, and they are aimed at adult learners so they don't come across as School-like.

It is very easy to dismiss his behaviour as unforgiveable, but I am not sure how most of us would cope living thousands of miles away from family and friends in a job that we detest.

Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 18:39

he is 32 and i am 28. he was here for i think about 3 years before i met him.

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 18:43

mrsmisfanclub.......thank you for being so positive! i can see how he feels but i am very supportive and whatever he wants to do i will be next to him but i can't do it for him! i think it's best if he leaves the job goes home to visit family and see how he feels without us!
now i am in the bedroom and he is in the kitchen with my DD. we dont talk....it's so weird

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 18:45

oh and i forgot to mention that he had a farm in brazil and was his own boss! i went to visit Brazil last year with him and no i can't see myself living there.....

OP posts:
mrsmillsfanclub · 06/05/2012 19:01

No, you can't do it for him. He must go home and make a decision. Maybe he may come up with a way that he could bring all his farming knowledge to good use here (own business??) I wish you all the best whatever happens. Take care of yourself and dd. xx

Original poster
taylorsweet · 06/05/2012 19:07

exactly i can't do it all for him! he needs to go back and see how he feels! if he doesn't return then he has made his choice!

OP posts:
juneau · 06/05/2012 19:14

If you love someone, set them free. It's a cliche, but you have to let make his own decision. It sounds like you're willing to do that, so step back, tell him to choose, but if he chooses England and you then he has to throw himself, heart and soul into life here, learn to speak proper English and get a better job, because you can't live with him being unhappy and blaming you for it. If he needs to go back to Brazil to make his decision, so be it. At least then you'll have your answer and you won't have a resentful man living in your house, blaming you for his unhappiness.

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