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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How long do i give him?

23 replies

confusedandhurt99 · 06/05/2012 11:26

My husband left me & my 2 children 3 1/2 weeks ago he has taken all his stuff, he says he needs time to think and sort his head out, he says he doesnt know how he feels anymore but there is none else.
At first i turned into a bit of a bunny boiler, crying begging constant texting, calling no stop, saying the kids where hurting missing him, nothing worked he just said he wanted me to leave him alone for a while to sort his head out.
So i havent contacted him for 2 days now i know this doesnt seem very long but for me its been the longest 2 days of my life, im hurting so much i just need some answers whether or not he's coming back.
Im going to try not to contact him and give him the time he's asked for but how long?
How long should i give him? until i know its over and move on, i really want our marriage to work out but if theres no hope then im hitting my head against a brick wall.

OP posts:

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 11:29

give him as much time as he wants, the selfish twat - i wouldn't want a man who could walk away from his children.

Easier said than done - but i can't help but think of song whenever i read posts like yours. Make it your song!

Original poster

confusedandhurt99 · 06/05/2012 11:38

he's still seeing the kids and paying the bills but

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 06/05/2012 11:41

I would leave him to it. You need someone by your side who is strong and thoughtful and considerate. You don't want a man who runs away and hides when he's got problems.

Don't contact him and - more importantly - if he contacts you, let him wait the same length of time for a reply. Then say in a text, "Sorry, not ready to see you yet, will get in touch when I'm ready." Leave it a fortnight.

You have to gain control of this situation. He is controlling it now. It's all on his terms.

For what it's worth, I would be amazed if there wasn't another woman. If he was on his own right now, he'd want to see the kids. He'd be lonely and would miss them. Something is keeping him busy.

ImperialBlether · 06/05/2012 11:42

Oh sorry, didn't know he was seeing the kids.

Do as I said though, about seeing him. Say YOU are not prepared to see him. He has hurt you; don't beg him. Treat him as you should treat someone who has hurt you - ignore, ignore, ignore.

clam · 06/05/2012 11:43

I'm really sorry but I would bet my house there's another woman. Of course he's denied it - that's what they do. But there will be one.

Please try to stay strong.

diddl · 06/05/2012 11:48

For me, he could walk out & not come back.

Selfish twat.

Original poster

confusedandhurt99 · 06/05/2012 11:50

ImperialBlether you say tell him "Sorry, not ready to see you yet, will get in touch when I'm ready." i dont have the opportunity to say to him im not prepared to see him at the moment because he doesnt contact me and doesnt want to see me any way all the contacting has been from me till now, he will only discuss the kids nothing to do with our marriage

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 06/05/2012 11:51

Definitely OW, sorry.

I would go to solicitors and find out where you stand legally. Ditto for CAB for advice on tax credits, council tax and benefits.

Start working on rebuilding your life and please do contact friends and family for their support.

Original poster

confusedandhurt99 · 06/05/2012 11:52

you all say dont have him back move on , but i love this man i cant just switch off my feelings im hoping if i give him the time he's asking for he will come home

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 06/05/2012 11:54

The fact that he has taken all his stuff suggests that he has been planning this for ages, and that he really has checked out of his marriage.

Its very very rare for a man to leave his family and home comforts for no reason except for OW.

You must be really devastated so do be kind to yourself

MadAboutHotChoc · 06/05/2012 11:56

I know you can't switch off your feelings and that will take time.

In the meantime you need to take steps to protect yourself and DC.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 11:56

Honey, give YOURSELF time. You cannot sit and wait for him to click his fingers and go running. He will treat you like shit for the rest of your lives together. I know i would be exactly the same as you, but one day, something will click in your head and you wont actually want him to come home. I think you need to accept that he has left and start looking to sort yourself out practically. He will soon stop paying the bills and you need to be able to look after yourself

diddl · 06/05/2012 11:57

But why would you want to be with someone who can treat you like this?

He doesn´t care how this affects you-he´s just doing what he wants with no thought for anyone else-you or the children.

monstermissy · 06/05/2012 12:02

I think as he has taken all his stuff that would indicate he has no plans to return. Often, they say they need time cause they think that wont hurt as much or they havent the guts to just say its over. Leave him to it and concentrate on yourself and sorting out how you can move forward without him.

Pickgo · 06/05/2012 12:10

Were you happy with him before he left? Did you see this coming?

I think rather than dwell on whether he is going to deign to come back to you and his DCs, you should try really hard to use this time to think about whether the relationship was good for you and what you would want to see happen to improve it should you decide you really do want to give it another go.

Also make sure you do stuff that will pick you up, that you enjoy. Treat yourself and DC. Make sure you rest and try to relax. Get out and about. See people and confide in one or two friends/family.

MilitaryWag · 06/05/2012 12:13

I would leave him be sweetie. It is bloody hard I know but chasing him is not going to make him come back. I disagree with the usual vitriolic name calling that seems to pour forth when something like this happens. He is still your husband and you still love him so no, of course is isn't going to make you feel any better. Listen to the advice of those who are being practical rather than those who resort calling your DH names.

Original poster

confusedandhurt99 · 06/05/2012 13:03

how do i cope with seeing him though when he comes to collect and bring back the kids im just a crying wreck and cant seem to control it, i really want to be strong in front of him and not ask any questions but its so hard when i just want to put an end to all this unknown. If we didnt have kids it would be easier to not have any contact for a few weeks but because he's still coming to see them it is so hard.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/05/2012 13:13

Right now what you're feeling is shock. Shock means you don't know what happened, your head is full of questions, you just want things to be back how they were, you're not really thinking through any further than him walking back through the door and you feel like life is on hold until that happens. This is all normal, understandable and 'crying wreck' is par for the course. He, on the other hand, has probably been working up to this for weeks, months or years. He's totally acclimatised to his new life.

So the swanning in and out contact with the children is not doing you any favours. Stop him from seeing the children for the moment because, the more he is still around, the worse it will be for you to get past the shock. You need some time to yourself to think this through and progress to the next phase which is 'anger' at the way you have been treated.

It's pointless telling you to be strong because I know you are feeling anything but. But do give yourself some time to think. Get some friends around you. Talk it through with them. Let them get angry on your behalf if you can't do it for yourself yet. Good luck

Xales · 06/05/2012 13:22

Can you find someone else to do the hand over of the children or have them ready so as soon as you hear his car they can go out the front door to him and you can shut it on him and not have to see him?

Also please don't rely on him paying the bills. He may be doing it now as he feels guilty about leaving you all. As soon as this guilt stops or the reality of paying for 2 places hits him he may cut back to the bare minimum that the CSA would expect him to hand over.

Sort out everything you can financially and legally. Painful as it is you now have to treat your life as a separated person and sort it all out. If he comes back lovely, if he doesn't you won't have to suddenly deal with all this as you will have it set up.

Also if he decides he does want to come back, please think long and hard and have some serious discussions or else what would be to stop him walking out again whenever he felt like it or you (or your DCs) did something to annoy him? He cannot come in and out as he feels like it. That will screw you and your DC up.

Good luck.

tribpot · 06/05/2012 13:38

Assuming he really does need some time to get his head straight (and I have to agree, I think an OW is more likely but even so) two days is not very long.

I think you need to say to him 'look, this level of uncertainty is not healthy for me, I am constantly worrying and not knowing if I am coming or going. As such, I need you to take one week and then give me an indication of whether you are formally separating or what'. (To be honest, it sounds like in his head he has separated from you and just hasn't said the words out loud).

I agree with the others, you need to find someone else to do the handover for you - it's clearly just too distressing for you to cope with at the moment and he ought to be factoring that in, given he's the one who's gone off to have 'time to think'.

Very sorry you're having to go through this.

skyebluesapphire · 06/05/2012 14:14

Hi there. I am going through the exact same thing as you, husband walked out , out of the blue, saying he didnt feel the same any more, doesnt want to be here any more. He has been gone for 4 weeks now.

I did discover he had been texting his best friends wife a lot (and I mean A LOT), but I am 100% certain that nothing has gone on there, he just turned to her when he was down, instead of turning to me..

We have a 4 year old daughter and at first only texted about her. I was very upset and angry about everythng which made it difficult to see him. I know exactly how you feel.... I did write him a long letter detailing my feelings and how I think things went wrong - this seemed to have an effect on him.

He walked out saying that the marriage was over, I asked him if we could date to see how he really feels about me..

We went out yesterday just the 2 of us and had a really lovely day out. It was difficult putting everything aside and just being as again, but we both managed it and had a great time. He seems to have turned a corner in whatever crisis he is in and is now being affectionate again and texting me randomly, not just about daughter. All I can do now is stay strong and give him time.

Unfortunately, only time will tell and as people told me, the more you chase, the more he will withdraw which is true.

margerykemp · 06/05/2012 14:34

This must be very confusing for the DCs too. Tell him you need straight answers NOW.

TBH I wouldnt be keen on letting him take the DCs away of you dont know where they're going or who with.

Tell him he can see them in your house until he gives you straight answers on what is going on. He is having his cake and eating it.

Nancy66 · 06/05/2012 15:24

Do you have a friend/sister you can call to come and stay with you and keep you company?

Don't let him call the shots - you have a life too. If he's not back by half-term tell him he has to have the kids for a few days - they're his responsibility too.

I'm afraid I'm with the others - I suspect there is someone else. Sorry, my love, I know it's horrible but that's what my instinct tells me.

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