teenage DD self harming

[odyssey2]

My DD is 13. Her elder sister told me a couple of weeks ago that DD had cutes on her arms so I asked her about it. She denied cutting but said she had fallen into some bushes. I was terrified, didn't know what to do, thought maybe there was a problem with school such as bullying (athough she said there wasn't). I was thinking should I go to see the head teacher, take her to the GP etc.

I then received a call from the school and apparently DD had told one of the teachers what she had been doing, encouraged by a friend. The school have been very supportive so far and have started a series of counselling sessions. They seem to think it will be ok, but we need to get to the bottom of why she does it. They do not think it is necessary to involve the GP at this stage and, if we did, she would immediately be referrred for psychiatric assessment etc.

There are no problems at home and apparently none at school, so I and dh don't understand why she is doing this. We love her so much and always tell her so - I would have described us as a close and loving family.

DD doesn't want to talk to me about why. She shuts herself in her room and doesn't seem to want to engage with the family. However, she promised not to do it again and apparently she hasn't for the last week and her arms are greatly improved (the school told me, she still won't let me see).

I really don't know what to do to help. I feel so helpless and frustrated. My brother took his own life in his late 20s, so it brings it all back and I am so terrified of losing another person I love. I try to show how much i care for DD, to make her feel loved and secure, but she says that I am suffocating her with love and checking up on her (just knocking on her bedroom door and asking if sh'e ok and trying to get her to come down and just watch TV with us - she just eats her meals and goes back to her room). She says she wants me to treat her normally, but this situation is not 'normal' and i don't know what to do for the best.

Has anyone else been through this and do you have any advice? Until a couple of months ago DD was the sunniest person, although very sensitive, and very loving. She is not unloving now but just so withdrawn. I just love her so much and want to help her but i don't know what to do.

I would definitely take her to the drs, or go yourself on her behalf.
It's not up to the school to determine whether she should go.

My dd self harms occasionally as a result of anxiety issues, has been through CAHMS and had private therapy.

I self harmed when I felt out of control, powerless, frustrated, angry, disgusted with myself... As I understand it these are the most common feelings that will trigger someone to harm themselves. Essentially she is communicating something, reclaiming some control, she is choosing how and when to use her body against herself.

So something is not right, whether with the people in her life or with the people in her school, it is important for you to find out why, and chances are she is not going to tell you.

Does she write at all? whether on paper or online? Perhaps you could set up a private blog for her or buy a journal for her?

The school sound supportive, but you need to know why this is and how to contribute towards changing this, what is happening with the counseling sessions? Are the school discussing everything with you? Are they committed to helping your daughter stop self harming or finding out why she is self harming? Who is doing the counseling? What is their process?

Thanks for your responses.

She expresses herself through music. She has posted a song about it on Youtube which was heart breaking to watch.

The school are discussing things with me but it is very early days. I want to get her professional help if she needs it, but I don't want to escalate matters if they can be resolved - I just don't know what to do, perhaps I should give it a few weeks, especially as there appears to be an improvement. The counsellor at the school is qualified and has a lot of experience and it is intended that there be fortnightly sessions to find the cause of the problem. She says that when the individual admits to self harming, that is a considerable step forwards. Is she right?

There was some bullying last year and some unkind personal remarks, which upset her a lot, but she does seem to have a lot of friends. It is an all girls school.

Also, I don't know if it is relevant but i think it may be, last term she had a lot of time off school. She kept complaining of illness although she genuinely had a chest infection, but she always seemed to be looking for excuses not to go - headache, stomache ache, feeling sick etc.

sorry, meant stomach !

try here for an online forum that has a dedicated friends and family board, all about self-harm. It might be a quicker way to find people who have experienced this.

I would gently suggest that you help her to find someone who she trusts to talk to, whether that is at a local youth group, school or through CAMHS, but not try to talk to her too much yourself (yet). It's a frustrating and frightening part of caring for someone who is hurting themselves that often loving them isn't enough to help them - and can sometimes make them retreat further.

I suffered from an Eating Disorder when I was younger and it was described to me as the visible tip of an invisible iceberg, ie what is going on under the surface is very much bigger and more complex than the problem you can see. Visible behaviours for people who suffer with things like ED's and self-harm can be interchangable. This isn't meant to scare you, just to help you understand a bit. In other words, imagine it like this: SH may be her 'best friend' but if SH can't hang out with her for a while (because people comment/notice/pressure her to stop) then some other 'friends' might be available... things like being sick, not eating, drinking, stealing, bunking off school etc. That's not to say that your DD will (or has) engaged in any other behaviours like this, just be aware that you may feel tremendously relieved if she stops cutting and feel like you've won the battle, but unless she feels genuinely happy and confident again what you might have achieved is suppressing the symptom you know about only to discover a new, different one pops up later on.

The bottom of the iceberg is made up of feelings of low self-worth, shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness etc. There may be an obvious reason but there may not be. It's not always abuse or bullying or something you can put your finger on. If you want to help her find some ways to counter these feelings try to quietly encourage her to show you what she likes about herself (she is musical, so does she play in a band or sing somewhere?) then help her find a way to channel that into a social group that can build her self esteem (theatre group, local youth orchestra?). In the meantime don't be afraid to ask for outside help. The school may believe they are doing enough to help her but unless the person counselling her truly knows what they are dealing with you may want to enlist some more specialist help. I would be approaching your local youth service for suggestions - there are usually drop in centres for teens where specialist youth workers are based and can be really, really helpful. They will also know about support groups or teen activities you could nudge her towards joining in with. HTH - PM me if you want to talk at all

Girls' schools are rife with self harm. My daughter suffered from depression and I know she self harmed. One thing I did, because she hated her body image so much, was to buy a treadmill. This was at her request - she was 13 and none of the local gyms would accept someone under 16. She would run on it for an hour or more every night and it had a number of good effects. She certainly cheered up. Her body changed and she became strong and fit. Her friends weren't fit and so I think she felt better about herself. But ultimately I think it worked as a good cry would work - it helped her get it out of her system.

I wanted her to join a running club, but she wouldn't. I think that would have been a better thing to do as she would have socialised with a different group.

She's also done a lot of yoga since, which has really helped her, too.

Is there anything like that that would help her, do you think?

thank you so much for your comments, especially chocoraisin, who summed it up perfectly - I am very grateful. I know I need to stand back, but it is not easy!

NC-ed for this, I don't wwant dd to connect me with my other posts (if she ever read things on here)

I so understand how you are feeling, I was exactly where you are 10 years ago. And with all the same feelings of shame, guilt, bewilderment and anability to do anything.

fwiw I'd trust the what the school are saying. I know that you feel it is not normal, but the school will see a lot of troubled teenage behaviour, some of which will include self harm in various ways. The fact that your dd's school has provided her with counselling is good. When my dd was self harming the school did the same, and it was the school counsellor who said that in her experience my dd's self harm was beyond their scope and made GP and CAMS referrals.

Both of those were difficult for my dd. The GP prescribed antidepressants and referred to a psychiatrist, and for my dd the CAMS service felt horrible. She felt scrutinised and judged and 'talking' therapies were exactly what she wanted to avoid. I have no idea what might have been any better for her, I just know that neither of those felt good (even though they were caring and lovely people).

When I read your post, I could flip back in an instant to how utterly useless I felt. Like you, knocking on her door to ask how she was was met with abject rejection and hostility. However, even in her desperate state I was reassured that when she felt at her worst she called me up and asked me to get her and bring her home. I was without a car that evening, so I had to go in a taxi for miles on a drak and rainy night. She sobbed all the way home in the taxi, and I brought her into the house, tucked her up on the sofa and just stroked her head as she cried and cried. She was such a sad, sad, girl. But still, she had called me.

I never felt really secure in that though. I knew that in addition to cutting herself she had had suicidal thoughts, and whenever she was not actually in my sight or hearing, I felt like I never knew whether she was actually alive or dead. That's not something you can live with on a daily basis so I had to let go of that kind of thinking a bit.

My dd was very artistic and in my desperate hunt for some reassurance, I found in her room a sketch book that she drew in. The pictures were both beautiful and macarbe - drawings of knives and blood, artistic words, the lyrics of poems and songs related to hate, love, death, cutting. I took some reassurance from the fact that she had another outlet for her overwhelming feelings.

The one thing that did make a difference to her mood was physical activity. Whenever she wanted to go for a walk, I would drop everything and go. Sometimes she would say a few words, sometimes she'd say a few sentances. But somehow walking alongside her was much easier for her than having me sit across a room and look at her. And she discovered for herself that skipping downhill (not with a rope, the kind of joyful skipping that a little child does) gave her some momentary relief from her black feelings - she coudl not skip and simultaneously feel like death.

I can't quite recall when this seemed to be better. It probably took a couple of years. But it did get better, and she is lovely, lovely kind and thoughful adult, in a secure and loving relationship with her boyfriend.

I apologise for the long, long post. But I've been where you are and I know how scared and isolated I felt (I was pretty much unable to tell most of my friends), and I longed to talk to someone who had experienced the same.

Probably upset, but trying to be calm and supportive. She says she loves me and won't do it again but she doesn't want to talk about it. Thank you for being so frank Joyful- it helps me to understand a little.

Some good advice on here. I don't have any advice, other than to say that i did this. To this day i don't know why. I just don't think i could do anything else with all the teenage angst and hormones. Like your DD, there was no real problems, but it was an outlet and made me feel good I grew out of it. I think its relatively common. Not trivialising of course, i think you need the reassurance of a GP visit. I was never ever suicidal though, ever. It was almost curiosity if that makes sense.

A common theme I have noticed from other peoples posts is that there were similar feelings of dread and desperation that an adult would notice and tell you to stop, I felt the same, also with my mother (who I have issues with that are probably much more complicated and horrible than you have with your dd op)

I agree that she perhaps needs that unconditional love reiterated to her now that this is out in the open.

It's such a complicated time, I'm sure everyone remembers the traumatic things that happen as a teenager, but remember those feelings of growing up and people's expectations of you changing in line with this... And those feelings of not wanting the responsibility, it's overwhelming and to some, the only way they feel it can be dealt with is to internalise it and punish yourself.

I don't doubt your dd will be fine op, she has a caring and love mother who wants to see her being healthy and happy x

Thank you all so much for your wisdom and reassurance. I think it will probably be ok, I hope os!

I know how anxious and upset you will be OP. There must be many mums out there going through the same thing.
None of us want our children to be unhappy.
Sometimes there is an obvious cause for self harm ie bullying but other times it seems to be as a reaction to the emotions, hormones and depression that comes from puberty and teen hood.
Its good that the school are offering councelling, personally I'd see how that goes before going to the GP
Your DD will be very mixed up about the self harm, she will feel relief whrn she does it, then ashamed that she has done. Just telling her to stop may not be enough to make her stop
Some other things to do when the cutting urge becomes strong is to snap an elastic band around the wrist ( or hand or finger ) or hold an ice cube.

I self harmed as a teenager. There were lots of reasons for it including past and present bullying, feeling disconnected from everyone and general teenage angst. Some of it was pure attention seeking which was paradoxical because if anyone noticed I would lie about it.

My dad found out and shouted at me and threatened to send me to a psychiatrist. It was the worst thing he could have done. I just started cutting myself on my legs and torso where no one could see, don't trust she has stopped if you can see her arms.

In my mind I wasn't crazy, it was just a release for negative feelings I had about myself and others. I hated the initial pain of making the cut but liked the blood and the pain as it healed.

Its a good thing that your daughter is seeing a counsellor, I never saw one and would be very reluctant to see one about issues now, I saw it as a failure, im my mind I could fix my own problems in my own way.

I have not harmed since I was about 18 but am not sure I'm fully recovered.

I'm leaving this thread now becuase its bringing back unwelcome urges but if you want any advice or just any insights feel more than welcome to PM me. I'd be very glad to help.

Thank you ratspeaker and MadamFolly for your comments - you have both helped me a lot. I suspect teenage self harming is not that unusual but it's very difficult to cope when it's your child.

I meant to say if any scars are noticeable in later years Veil makeup is good for covering them