I don't really know where to start so I'll just let it flow. My mum and I have always had a weird relationship, I can remember her being fairly inappropriate and emotionally unstable while I was a child - when I was 14 or 15 I can remember her discussing her and my dads sex life (or lack of) with me, she once told me I was her favourite child over my sister. She would scream and shout a lot and my dad often called her a martyr. On the whole though, we had a happy childhood, were loved cared for and never did without.
We lost my dad unexpectedly when I was 16, over 12 years ago now, since then my mum has suffered from depression, which peaks and troughs in severity. She categorically will not accept any help with this, medical or otherwise. I do suspect it was present before my Ddad died. My mum has been successful in other areas of her life, she had built and maintained her own business, owns outright a nice house etc (she attributes all this to my dads influence), but she totally sucks at relationships. She doesn't have any friends, family are non existent (apart from her own mother who physically and mentally abused her her whole childhood, my mum keeps a relationship with her now). My mum relies heavily on my sister and I emotionally, although her relationship with my sister can be volatile.
She is a workaholic, never rests. Takes on too much responsibility and can't cope. She phones me in tears for hours, asks for my advice and poo poo's it, finds excuses why she can't do this or that etc etc.its incredibly draining. she also suffers with ill health, but will not seek medical help, instead refusing ambulances and calling me instead (this incident I had to rush her to hospital with a 5 month old baby in tow). She can be manipulative, puts a spin on things others have said (particularly between my sister and I) to gain sympathy.
Things have come to a head tonight. DD (nearly 2) and I have been staying for a week because our house is being fumigated, I'm pregnant and don't want to be around the chemicals. She looked after DD while I worked this morning, and before I got home my sister had been around and they had argued. When I got in, I was immediately shouted at, she was crying at me telling me I was so ungrateful for everything she does, how uncared for she is, no one cares, she may as well jump off a bridge as no one would care. I started to get upset myself so I decided to stay somewhere else tonight, to give her some space, (I realise it can be irritating having someone invade your home) and I didn't want DD around the tension. She told me I was punishing her if I went. I did manage to calm her down, placating and a cuppa, she had made herself ill so went off to bed.
Now I feel stuck. I understand it isn't her fault the way she is, she's had a shit life. But I feel that it's affecting me, I feel so sad and stressed out, I'm starting to get anxiety and my hubby days it affects me mood wise. I've also noticed that I'm having trouble accepting affection or comfort, from anyone, including DH increasingly more so - cuddles make me feel very uncomfortable. (except DD, we are incredibly attached :) )
I don't even know why I'm posting, or what I'm asking really, maybe it just helps to get it down. I want to know if there's a way to deal with this, usually I can let it over my head, but I'm increasingly finding it hard to deal with. I don't want this to affect my daughter.