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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what should I do - long

8 replies

shellybelly · 14/02/2006 09:16

bit of a long one, dd has recently started nursery and I have returned to work part time (and quite enjoyed being back, adult company and all that, no responsibility) anyway only be back a few weeks when nursery called to say dd was ill and I needed to collect her (I had literally taken my coat off and was just having a cuppa)without a second thought I said yes and left work, still at home with her today as she is still not right (conjunctivitis? and chest infection and she is only 8mths bless) as i work a really short day I offered to make the time up even tho I know i'm entitled to the time off (goodwill and all that) anyway the crunch was when I asked DH if he could take some time off to allow me to work and then I would come home and let him go to work, this was met with silence and then how difficult it would be for him to get the time off, I said that if and when she was ill it was both our responsibilities to care for her, in so many words he said it would be easier for me to give up work and become a SAHM incase anything like this happened in the future (sexist???) he says not, is he saying his job is more important?? I think he is, I do admit that he does a very important job and brings in more money than me, but it really annoyed me and I did in the past say i didn't want to go back but i have enjoyed it and I think dd benefits from being with other children (annoying that she picked the horrible illness up tho) I feel somewhat guilty at not going in today but dd comes first and I don't think she is fully well enough to go to nursery but what will work think, my job role is under review in a few months but I want it to be my decision if I leave and not because I've been taking time off if dd picks up every bug going at nursery, am in two minds now whether I should pack it in, I do miss dd lots but i want us to have the best of both worlds as selfish as it sounds, btw i'm working to pay nursery fees and get no working tax credit, confused confused confused

OP posts:
mandieb · 14/02/2006 11:59

poor you and yes he is saying his job is more important than yours . Sorry if thats not what you want to hear .But look on the + side he is earning lots of money which means that you have options as in to work or not to work you do have a choice so i would say stick with the nursery and just see how things go .

mandieb · 14/02/2006 12:01

Sorry also meant to say his job is only more important (not ) because he earns more money than you .And as a ps look what he is missing out on time spent with your darling DD

poppiesinaline · 14/02/2006 12:10

Personally, if I was working part time to earn some 'pocket money' and to 'get out of the house' then I would see it as my responsibility to take time off if kids were ill. However, if you are working because you need to work because DH doesn't earn enough then yes, he needs to chip in and help with sickness cover too. But I do think it is quite a common thing with men - they do seem to automatically assume its the woman's 'job' to cover home things even if they do work as well. And to book babysitters - I always am the one to book the babysitter if we go out never him but thats another story

anniemac · 14/02/2006 12:11

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Feistybird · 14/02/2006 12:18

I think the crux of the matter here is not who should be prepared to look after your dd, but that you have completely differing expectations.

It sounds to me like you need a good chat about this - it doesn't seem fair that your dh 'expects' you to take all the time off or give up your job, but you both need to work out the pros and cons.

If your job keeps you sane btw, imo, that's just as important if not more important than one that brings in the money.

anniemac · 14/02/2006 12:19

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Passionflower · 14/02/2006 13:34

Am going to be flamed for this.

Have to admit that when I went back to work part time after DD1 was born when she was unwell and couldn't go to nursery it was always me that took time off. Time off under these circumstances had to be taken as unpaid leave and DH earnt a fair bit more than me so it was a no brainer really.

Yes your DH is saying his job is more important than yours, but lets face it he has a point doesn't he? He is working to support you all and you are working for your own satisfaction.

I don't think you're being selfish however if you are only working to cover nursery fees because you want to be at work then you can't really expect your DH (who is working to support you all) to be taking time off work to care for your DD.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but it is the reason I gave up work when DD2 came along (the point at which I would have covered nursery fees only).

shellybelly · 17/02/2006 15:12

well i did it, handed in notice today and am so happy I can't wait to be a SAHM (am planning lots of things to do with dd now) work were fab and dh was very supportive so I feel i have made the right decision, passionflower you were right in a lot of ways dh is the main earner for one thing, anyway think its best all round and I feel lucky to be able to do it as I have a lot of friends who have had to return to work out of necessity, thanks for the comments btw

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