Any advice?

[kidspiggypartner]

I split up with my husband in 2010 and later that year I started dating a man I had known for 14 years. He moved in in August 2011. I have three kids and obviously at times it is difficult and I basically act as mediator between my partner and my kids. My partner expects the kids never to fight, if they are playing up he expects them to stop as soon as you tell them off (obviously this is desirable but it rarely happens as kids are kids - right?).

Anyway, last week we went on holiday, only for a mid-week break in a caravan in Devon. The week was a disaster resulting in my partner calling my eldest a moron and a fucking idiot on Wednesday because he told him not to fight with his younger brother and my son who is 10 was smirking at him and acting up, he was badly behaved but I don't think my partner has a right to call my DS names and basically be abusive to him. At the time of this happening I was sorting out clothes in the bedroom but I did intervene and it made it very clear that my partners behaviour was totally unacceptable.

I would like to add that even though I was married before, I have basically been a single parent to my kids due to lack of involvement on their fathers part and I have struggled at times with the kids/stress. On three occasions I have smacked my DS and I have sworn in front of them when I have lost my cool but I have never sworn at them. I know that at times I have handled things badly and I can make no excuses for that but I am being honest here so as not to make out that I am perfect because I am not.

Anyway, as a family (me and the kids), we have out moments but on the most part we have a happy family life and when I have behaved badly myself I will explain why and apologise (kind of debrief what happened) and I think my kids are just normal kids. They fight a fair bit (10, 8, 5) which I consider normal and obviously I intervene as necessary, they go to school, they have one weekend with me, one with their Dad, we walk the dog every day, visit friends and just do normal family stuff. Sometimes they are cheeky, sometimes they are rude, they are corrected. To me they are just small kids, learning and growing. I can take them anywhere and they are usually well behaved: Drs, bank, friends, restaurants etc etc.

Partner seems to think that I think the sun shines out of their backsides that they are perfect angles, that I have no control of them, they are really naughty, rude, fight all the time. I just don't see it. Am I disillusional?

My partner has crossed a line and because his opinion of my kids has come to light and is so poor, and my kids deserve to be considered slightly higher than second class citizens in their own home(!), I can't see a way forward.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can resolve this? I don't think there is a way but I would be willing to try so long as my kids needs were not compromised obviously.

There is no need to tell me to end the relationship as that is what is going to happen unless anyone has any suggestions.

TY

Being verbally abusive towards children is not acceptable, of course not. However, it's worth saying that if you are parenting children together, you have to a) agree on methods and outcomes and b) always back each other up. Otherwise it drives a wedge between you, as you are discovering, and leads to the children playing you one off against the other. It's unreasonable to expect a partner to live with children, sit back and tolerate any kind of behaviour without saying anything. Yes he has crossed a line and if you think it is irretrieveable there is no point pretending otherwise. If you want the relationship to continue, it will only happen if you share the parenting.

Could you talk the the teacher with responsibility for pastoral care at your DC's school? Our local school regularly run free parenting courses and the pastroal care teacher can access counsellors etc. If your partner would go with you to a course perhaps you could learn strategies to cope better with behaviour issues.

You could ask the teacher or your gp about seeing a family therapist so you can work through our issues with a neutral guide.

I think it is very difficult for a new partner to step into the parent role but also its very hard for the children, especially if you have been their main carer - children are jealous they want their mum for themselves.
My best male friends dad died when he was little but anytime his mum brought a guy home he and his brother would misbehave and sabotage her friendships, as adults they felt guilty as she was alone.My own children often want reassurance if I was to split with their dad that I wouldn't want to see other men (we have a lot of sp friends).

I think you need to sit down and have a serious chat with your partner to see if he would be prepared to get help and/or agree boundaries. Also,how do your Dc feel about him? - are they fond of him? is there a particular problem with one child?Think about how the relationship could be improved - 1:1 activities etc

Hope some of this helps

That's excellent advice from Cogito - speaking from experience it is bordering on intolerable to live with children when you have no say in their upbringing.

I think you and your partner need to sit down and make some rules that you will both stick to and will always back each other on. He has to realise that they are your kids and just normal kids and that he may be expecting too much but if there are 2 or 3 things he feels absolutely have to change then base your house rules around this. I really am talking about a short list though and the kids should also know that these rules come from both of you.I am guessing his frustration has built up with having no say at all and if you can change this to some degree he will immediately feel better.

I wouldn't give up on this yet unless there is a lot more to it than you have said here. You just need to work together. You have said yourself that you have behaved badly yourself sometimes - it doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make him one either.

Thank you for the advice. My kids are fond of him, despite what is written here he is a lovely man 99.9% of the time.

I would not expect him to sit back and not comment on their behaviour and have suggested strategies but he blew his top. For example, the eldest was rude to me the same day and when I corrected him he smirked at me so I sent him to his room and told him to come out when he had wiped it off of his face. We then had a chat about how highly irritating smirking at someone is ya de ya de ya de.

I will look into the suggestion of family therapy/parenting tips etc, thanks for that.

It really is a case of finding the 'we' in this situation and agreeing on the way forward together. The whole step-parent thing is a minefield because it can feel like 'all of them vs me'. If your children sense that they can play him up and he'll be the one getting in trouble they'll take advantage. We all back our own kids to the hilt and we all take it personally if other people tell them off... even when it's well and truly justified. That's why you have to be rock solid and back each other up in front of them, even if you're still working out the details in private.