So you've had an emotional affair and 'only' snogged the man

[ItsGrimUpNorth]

Your dh has found out (not about the snog) that you have been sending lots of emails and have been intimate on these emails - nothing sexual but lots of personal information.

You've managed to delete all the emails but he saw a couple of suspect texts which led him to find out about the emotional affair.

Your dh is obviously playing merry hell. He is shouting, screaming, has pushed you over onto the sofa and thrown a wine glass at you so that it smashes on your torso (clothed). Every evening is fraught now with arguments or icy silence. He says he cannot even look at you but isn't leaving you.

You want to save your marriage even though you think your dh drove you to this emotional affair by being distant and not wanting sex with you more than once a month. You realise you should have binned your dh before embarking on any such affair but now you want to try and make your marriage work.

Is the onus on you only, as the miscreant, to make things better? Are you mad to think that seeking marriage therapy at this early, angry stage is hopeless? Is it better to separate and then proceed with counselling together?

You're a cheater, he is violent.

Best you part company.

So you are still lying about the level of contact with the other man 'only snogged'. Not told him this so lied about it, if he finds out about the 'only snog' why would he believe this was all there was as you haven't confessed to all?

Your H as a result has pushed you around and thrown things at you. Understandable but unacceptable.

You realise you should have binned your H but now want to make your marriage work... Why?

I think you need to be apart and have separate counselling.

things are not black and white and for some reason you looked for something outside your marriage.
this is what needs addressing.
Do you love your husband and do you actually want to sort this out?
Does your husband love you and does he want to work this out?

No it takes both of you to accept that there are things in your relationship that are not working and both of you to want to work on that.

However, dont blame him for you being weak. If your husband has done this because you werent ghaving sex with him more than once a month he would have been slaughtered. You made the decision to cheat and him wanting sex once a month is not a justification for that.

Stop trying to kid yourself as well. You may not have got sexual in the emails and texts but you have alreasy kissed this bloke. Had you not got caught can you honestly say that you wouldnt have taken it to the next step?

There is no excuse for your husbands violent behaviour though although he is clearly very angry with you!

Yep, the dh doesn't know about the extent of the affair.

He knows there has been lots of email contact, that the man has been to the house - he is a relative of a friend so came with the friend and her children - but not the snog. Nor the content of the emails.

I keep wanting to tell my dear friend that she should leave him, that their marriage is based on quicksand and it's hopeless but neither will do it.

I had their dcs over to play last w/end, crying. Their parents were trying to sort it out.

Until you both properly understand what the other wants and needs, and give value those, your marriage isn't going to work.

Counselling may be the way forward so you talk and understand each other. Separation to defuse the situation may be necessary for all concerned.

Am now officially confused!

I am also confused as to who you are having an EA with, and what your friend's marriage has to do with it!

Winky and it'sgrimupnorth, are you the same person?

It's blatantly obvious that you're in a situation where the relationship is not going to work out. You're in denial about what you did ("I only snogged him"- WTF?). Probably because of this, your partner doesn't want to discuss things with you as he knows you're not going to take responsibility and will just pin the blame on him ("well, you only hads sex with me once a month"- again, WTF?). The time to work on your marriage was when the EA was first starting, not when your DH found out about it. You've been dishonest and tried to delete evidence, and he knows it. Don't come over all sorry now, your actions have consequences, and now you're experiencing them.

emotional affairs are always crueller than physical ones.

there is nothing left in your marriage to save. your dh is behaving like a child, but he is angry and upset, so whilst he has just cause to feel like he does, he doesnt to push you around.

walk away from this marriage for both of your sakes

Whatever you did, does not make violence excusable, ea, snog. Yes it was bad, yes your husband is upset. But if that's the case then why does he not ask you to go?

It sounds to me there is a back story to this, and this is now a stick to beat you with. The with holding of affection etc. Also the way he has reacted. It's just a justification to abuse you and smash glasses on your body. I can't see a man who was generally nice before but now quite hurt escalate to that. Yes you were wrong. But equally to blame? No. He pushed you around and threw a glass at you so hard it SMASHED. What if a bit had gone into your eye? What if it had hit you in the, neck/face area?

I don't think you have anything to save here. I think he will get worse and the "affair" will always be used to punish you. Yes you did wrong, that in no way excuses the horrific actions of smashing a glass over you. Don't listen to the crap, this is the consequences of your actions, live with it. That is such dangerous advice. You never have to suffer violence at all, even if you have had an ea, it never, ever justifies these actions.

Winky are you also Grim??

Houseofplain

"It sounds to me there is a back story to this, and this is now a stick to beat you with."

Yes, lets excuse all of her behaviour and blame it on him.

The person who cheats takes responsibility for the cheating. None of this 'He made me do it' shit

The person who was violent takes responsibility for the violence. None of this 'She made me do it' shit.

Then they agree on how to move forward from this sorry mess without damaging their children any more. For me, that would mean splitting.