My XP actually makes me ill. Literally.

[BurningBright]

For most of the ten years I was in a relationship with XP I was medicated for depression. I never needed anti-depressants before I met him and I've not needed them since our split, despite having to go through my pregnancy alone, cope with being a single parent from day one, and deal with cancer. The recognition that he was a key contributing factor to my depression was a revelation to me.

He is very difficult to deal with but manages to make it look as if I am the one being awkward. Most of the time I am able to ignore his general twuntery but lately I am struggling to maintain my equilibrium. I dread opening my email in case there is a message from him. I find the handovers on the weekends he sees my child especially difficult. I wake up worrying in the middle of the night. As I type this, thinking about him, I feel nauseous and anxious. It is starting to affect my work.

I just want to get back to where I was a couple of months ago, when he was just a minor irritation that I could ignore easily.

Can anyone suggest any coping mechanisms? Any useful mantras I can repeat to myself? Any ideas for getting him back out of my head?

Blimey! What a revelation that must have been!

Is there anyway you can not be involved in handovers?

If he makes you ill are you sure he's ok for your child to be around?

You need to get to a point where he genuinely means nothing to you. At the moment you are still worrying about what he thinks and feels and so his words are having an impact on you. What did he do while you were together that made you depressed? Was he very critical and belittling?

Have you talked much about your relationship IRL? Either to a counsellor or a friend? Sometimes just talking about it can take away its power somewhat and reduce the hold someone has over you.

I had exactly the same problem with ex. I changed my email address & landline number & had a separate mobile number just for when he had DC in case of emergency which I kept switched off most of the time. I occasionally switched it on when I was feeling strong to check for messages of a change contact nature but ignored all else. I was in control of when he could contact me not the other way round. He did go through a phase of texting me crap on the 2 nights a month he had DC(!!!) but that eventually stopped when I ignored him. Doorstep handovers are brief & businesslike. Take back the control & the anxiety will reduce.

Change your email address - or set up another email address and forward all emails from him to that address and then hide them in the original address IYSWIM; that way, you deal with his emails when you are ready - maybe at a set time each day/week? That will take away the fear of reading your own emails.

And I would also suggest going back to your GP; discuss the feelings of anxiety you are having. While not being medical at all, I would suggest you do need some form of help in coping - potentially anti depressants to start with, but definitely counselling of some sort.

I know that it is not something that you would maybe want to do (in terms of starting pills again) but treat the situation in the same way as you would if you had a nasty bacterial virus - you need to treat it properly to throw off the symptoms and get rid of the cause.

Good luck!

Has anything changed to make you feel more wobbly?

I got over my (slightly irrational) nervousness about xh by detachment
a) constantly reminding myself that he had no real power over my life any more
b) seeing his twuntery as his problem and something to feel sorry for him about because everyone else could see he was being a wally, rather than my problem

If it goes on your gp may be able to put you forward for CBT.

If you are into "woo", look for a therapist who will do tie cutting.

For e-mails set up a 'rule' on your inbox that anything from him goes into the Spam, Junk or Deleted folder. Then empty regularly. At handovers, find a different way of doing it e.g. being accompanied by someone else. I'd suggest you also talk to your GP, not about medication necessarily but about talking therapies to help you with anxiety. I'd also recommend - if you are not already doing so - beefing up your social life with a view to spending time with nice, non-threatening males and females alike. If you want to get someone out of your head, it helps to fill your head with something else.

I am in a similar situation. The way I am trying to deal with it, is a combination of talking therapy and learning to deal with my codependency (in the sense that he is still able to affect my emotional state and I inadvertently put him in too high importance above my own needs, which greatly effects my calm and makes me anxious). I suppose other coping mechanisms I have tried to use are mindfulness (learning to not focus on unimportant things, and not to focus on the past or future, just the here and now, and to focus on feelings not thoughts) through various techniques. There are various books and courses out there on that.

But it is incredibly hard. We have just separated and I am hoping that as he gets less 'legitimate' reasons to contact me (i.e. he has less and less "power" over me) and dealing with the children becomes more automatic, that I will feel less anxious. But there were lots of good ideas about changing numbers and spam filters here.

Wow! Thanks for all the replies.

I already have a separate mobile for just when DD is with him. I put it on just before the handover and leave if off from the moment I get her back. But when I switch it on the tinny tinkly tune it makes actually makes my stomach flip with anxiety in case there's a text from him. It's a cheap tat phone and you can't turn off the ringtones. Putting it on silent just stops it ringing; it doesn't stop the turn-on sounds.

Email is the main tool we use to communicate. I will set up a forward on messages from him so that I can at least control when I check for them and not have this constant fear of seeing his name in my inbox.

The thing that has changed is that he is pressuring me to let him take DD on holiday. He has only had contact with her for a couple of years (his choice to have nothing to do with her from birth to three) and it has only been unsupervised for the last few months. He's never had her overnight and I don't believe that she is ready for that. I have no doubt that it will happen, but I don't think that it should happen just yet. I know he's going to kick off because I won't give in to him and let him take her away.

Don't let him take her away on holiday. If she hasn't even stayed overnight, there's no way she'd want to do that. What a bloody cheek, that he didn't want to have anything to do with her for three years, then thinks he can make demands like that.

I would always make sure I had someoene with me during changeovers.

So what if he kicks off? If you don't want your daughter to be with him overnight, you keep her at home. If you don't want her to see him at all, that's also your perogative. It is stressful to stand up to an aggressive bully but that is the only way you gain the upper hand and find peace of mind.

I understand what you mean about the anti-depressants.

When I was married, I felt like I was going mad. On the surface, everything seemed fine - we got on, didn't row etc. I kept feeling as though I was unstable, almost as though I was tilting instead of standing upright, if that makes any sense. I told my (now ex) husband how I felt and I ended up going to the doctor's for ADs, which I got. I still felt like that, so told my husband again and went to the doctor's again and changed the ADs. I was on ADs for many years.

I found out later that my husband had been having an affair for eight years. She was a married woman at work. He rarely came home late, never stayed out overnight and he always had a reason that I believed. I was so angry; I think I'd picked up the tiniest signs that things were very wrong, but wasn't processing them properly.

Once I realised about the affair, I stopped the ADs and was fine. I knew my own history; I no longer felt unstable. I am still furious about that years later - furious that my ex could let me get drugged up to cope with living with him and furious that my doctor didn't even suggest that something might be wrong at home.

imperial. There's no way your Dr could of guessed that the real reason was your husband was having an affair! If you didn't know how can you expect your Dr to! You should probably have been referred for counselling though.

I think she should get used to overnights before going away on holiday. He should increase his contact to include overnights gradually first. I made a rule only to discuss these things face to face with my DH present. He's a lot meeker with witnesses around! If you don't have a partner a friend or relative would be good.

PooPoo, actually when I went back to my doctor and said that I no longer needed the ADs because I'd found out the reason I'd felt so bad was because my husband had an affair throughout that time, he said, "Oh I did wonder whether something like that had been going on." He knew both of us over a very long period of time.

I don't think ADs should be handed out without checking whether someone's actually depressed.

Didn't he go through your symptoms with you?

Could it be the unresolved nature of the issue at the moment is causing the anxiety? Having something like that hanging over you just kind of builds up the tension. Could you take steps to resolve the issue?

I'd suggest a polite letter saying you have been considering the idea and you feel at the moment that it isn't in DD's best interests to go on holiday right now as it is such a huge jump for her to deal with.

However, if there isn't a forward plan in terms of progressing contact, there is bound to be constant tension and anxiety for all concerned. What about mediation? Could you sit with your ex and a third party and discuss how you feel about overnights and when you think things could move forward?

Totally agree with balia in that unresolved issues can cause anxiety, so consider discussing the holiday issue with your exP sooner rather than later. If you're not anti him taking her away, just not until she's had a chance to slowly adjust to more frequent and overnight contact, then tell him this. Then he hears it's not a "No" it's a "Yes, but not yet". Use whichever method of contact works best for you to discuss it.

I do have a tip though that does seem to help a bit and that is to do slow breathing exercises when you start to get tense. Inhale for a count of 10 then exhale to 10.

No, he didn't go through my symptoms. He knows me quite well. I said "I think I need anti-depressants. I feel like I'm going mad. Although everything's okay I feel as though it's not. I feel as though I'm teetering into a bottomless pit." He said, "OK, well, I'll give you some Prozac."

That was the early 90s - they were giving Prozac to everyone for anything at all.

I've already sent a very polite email explaining that the holiday is not an option at present. I'm just waiting for the response now. I'm not expecting it to be a happy one.

Hi BurningBright Those of us over here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1448224-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-number-8
are all in a similar position if you want to join us.
For me, this thread has been a lifesaver.

good call fingers!

Burningbright, he's still holding you to ransom, you will need to dig deep and realise that YOU actually have the control. YOU have the power.

If you don't want DD to go on holiday with him YOU can and WILL say no. He will HAVE to abide by that.

Feel the fear, but at the same time realise that it's a false fear, that he is actually impotent in this regard, the only power he has is the false power that has been manufactured and is still stored in your head.

let it go. He can do nothing to you anymore.

have you done any counselling? Have you done the Freedom Programme? I'd also ask if he is safe for access to your DD, if you have any doubt at all, you can stop the access. Get advice.

Ultimately YOU hold all the cards here, YOU have all the power. Realise this and own it.

((((hugs))))

Thanks for all the excellent advice.

Fingers - I'll take a look at the thread you mention.

I appreciate all the comments. Feeling much stronger today.

I will find a way of wrestling him back into the box marked 'irrelevant and powerless' at some point, I'm sure.