He won't leave (long)

[Demonata]

My marriage has come to an end. "D"H has been awful to me and the DCs (3 & 6) for a while now. I found out a couple of months ago he was meeting women from dating sites but did not say anything at the time because I have no job (made redundant) and at that time had no access to the finances.

Things came to a head last weekend when he lost his temper and hit my 3 year old son hard enough to leave a red hand mark on his chest. I lost it completely and told him to leave rather colourfully.

He didn't. Instead acted all contrite, calm, sorry it happened etc. He was very happy as it was all out in the open, he could do what he wants and I'd still be there to cook/clean etc for him.

I hate him for what he did.

During the week he send an apology email from his work saying he would move out if I wanted him to, he wouldn't fight for the kids but would like to see them, was sorry it came to this, wants to be amicable. All nicey nicey stuff.

I told him tonight that I need him to leave. In reply he said he would ask his parents to give him the money to buy me out (we have a huge 4 bed house) and he'd live in it until it increased in value then sell it. Unfortunately for him I found a message he sent to a mate after this conversation slagging me off and saying he's not going anywhere.

My priority is to keep my kids safe, so am thinking of just moving into private rented acomodation with them while he's at work. My eldest DS(6) is being assessed for autism so will find a sudden move really hard.

My 3 year old is ok although is scared of my H. Should I forget the house and just leave? I think I've left it too late to phone police on him re my son as it was last weekend. My emotions are all over the place so not thinking very well.

As I'm writing this I'm thinking "he hit my son" like it's really surreal and didn't happen. Part of me wants to take from him as much as I can because of what he did, part of me wants to be nice and amicable, and a part of me just wants to run. Thanks if you've read this far!

You haven't left it too late to contact the police.

If you're willing to do the necessary and report him to the police, there'll be no need to you to leave your home as you will be able to apply for an occupancy order and, quite possibly, a non-molestation order which will require him to live elsewehre.

You owe it to both of you dc to protect them from harm and I'd like to have sight of any emails he sends to his mate after you've taken the necessary steps to ensure that your dc will not placed at risk of further abuse at his hands.

No, it's not too late. Ring the police in the morning and get them to deal with this awful man. Forward that email to yourself so you can show the police. DO NOT feel you have to be nice and amicable. He wasn't like that to your little boy. was he?

oh my!

Perhaps sleep on it tonight and see how you feel about things in the morning

Are you and your children ok tonight? Is he in the house with you?

I'm no expert but if violence is involved I'd just pack up and leave.

If you are a joint mortgage owner your solicitor will force the sale of the house anyway if you choose to divorce.

The house though is the least of your worries , just make sure you and your children are somewhere where you all feel happy and safe

What a crap situation

It's not too late, please ring the police, talk to them and report the assault (as that is what it is) on your son.

Then get him out and far away from you and your kids. He is not a good person.

He's still in the house. He's in the spare room texting his OW while I'm upstairs blubbing at the thought of another day walking on egg shells and keeping the DCs away from him.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to call the police. :(

If you're not willing to take steps to protect your dc, what are you hoping to gain by posting here?

There's absolutely no need for the OP to leave up root her dc, one of whom would find it particularly challenging to move, when one phone call to the police will put in motion all she needs to remain in her home Creamola.

As for your assertion that the sale of the marital home would be forced in the event of a divorce, it would seem that family law is not your field of expertise.

sorry if I annoyed you izzyizin I was posting as someone who has been in this very situation .....I won't bother next time...I'll just leave it to you experts

Izzy you dont know that one phone call would be all it takes.

It depends on many things, not least the attitude of the officer that attends. The OPs best option is to go to the local police station on tuesday morning to log the incident and see what they say, then see solicitor asap after that to look into getting an occupation order and a non molestation order.

And tbh, if it was a choice between a house and my childrens safety then I would be renting in a heartbeat. We all know that abusive men become more dangerous once they are challenged and it worries me that you are advising women on here (yes, I have seen you do it before) to focus on "winning" over being safe.

Just to clarify OP, are the children his children too?

You haven't annoyed me, Creamola but I must admit to feeling frustrated when women are advised to uproot themselves and their dc from their long-established homes when there are means available to have their abusive husbands/partners/significant others removed from the scenes of their crimes.

In this instance, the remedy is in the OP's hands and I find it difficult to understand how she's been able to stand by and do nothing for the past week after her dc was physically abused by the father that he is now scared of. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but if anyone laid a hand on my dc, I'd swing for them

If the OP doesn't get this incident recorded it's probable that, in the event of divorce/separation, this man will get frequent unsupervised access to his dc including overnight stays, holidays etc, and that thought chills my bones to the marrow.

to outsiders yes The remedy is in the OP's hands to the op though it probably feels like her brain is going through a washing macine

Not every women stands up and calls the police at the first sign of violence

If you yourself have been through something similiar that will rings bells with you

Anyway regardless of this useless debate I'd just like to say Demonta how are doing now?

Do contact the police.
What he has done is very serious.
Are you prepared to leave him with your DCs alone?

Otherwise, consider your priorities. Do you want the house or for you and the children to be happy and safe?

Although, you could still leave for now and get the house later, particularly if the children stay with you.

I am emphatically not in the habit of playing russian roulette with the lives of others and anyone who reads my regular responses on this board will know that I endeavour to call it as I see it.

In your case, Demonta, I see two small dc; one who has been physically abused by his father and one who may be autistic and, IMO, at this particular point in time it is not in their best interests to be summarily uprooted from what may be the only home they have known in their short lives.

FWIW, it's a matter of record that I have very little faith in the police. Nevertheless, in cases of child abuse and dv they are the only resort available with the power to summarily remove the perpetrator from the family home and require them to stay away until any investigation is complete.

I happen to know that it will be business as usual throughout the bank hoiday weekend at my local copshop. Perhaps you could take your dc for a walk/drive later today to see whether your nearest police station is open with a view to reporting this incident in person?

Alternatively, if it will not unsettle your 6yo too much, do you have friends/family you can spend the weekend with so that you'll have no need to tread on eggshells around your despicable twunt of an h?

Thanks for the replies.

The DCs are his, and I've been with him over 15 years. He's never laid a finger on me. I think he's wanted out of the marriage for quite a while but is too much of a coward to say so.

I cannot got to my mothers as she's very toxic (think your worst MIL stories) and I'm battling with my people pleasing personality having developed this as a child as a survival instinct and transferred it onto H when I met him.

Do you have anywhere/ anyone in RL to talk/go to? X

Phone Women's aid. Get RL support.

Demonata, you posted saying he wouldn't leave. Posters have given you advice on how to get him to leave I.e. ring the police, get a non molestation order. He broke the law. He did, not you, not the children, him. This isn't going to be sorted by you asking him to leave you know. He feels entitled to stay and use you for cooking, cleaning etc. So while you are at it stop cooking, stop cleaning for him, stop washing his clothes.

At least ring Women's Aid if you don't ring the police.

As I'm writing this I'm thinking "he hit my son" like it's really surreal and didn't happen.

Although it may seem surreal, you know it happened and that your twunt of an h hit your 3yo son on the chest with sufficient force to leave a mark.

If your child was standing at the time he was hit by his father, the degree of force used would have propelled him some considerable distance and he would have been at risk of sustaining a serious injury if he had hit his head on a wall, door, table edge, etc, or fallen on a hard object.

The fact that your little ds is now 'scared of' his father would suggest that not only did he suffer pain at his hands, he's also been traumatised by the physical abuse he experienced and which I suspect was not inflicted on him in silence.

From his behaviour with various other women, and his email to his mate, your h has shown he can't be trusted and, in the event of divorce/separation there's no reason for you to believe his assertion that he 'wouldn't fight' for your dc.

Please don't let this incident go unreported to the police; transfer your 'people pleasing instinct' to those who are worthy of it, namely, yourself, and reclaim your power by doing everything possible to ensure that your dc will not be placed at risk of harm from their father or any any other person(s).

On a point of clarification: one call to the police will not resolve all of your problems but, as I have stated, that one call will put in motion a train of events whereby if the police do not require him to leave the marital home, you will have grounds to apply for an occupation order which will enable you to remain in your home with your dc and he will have no choice but to leave.

When reporting this incident to the police ask to be referred to a domestic violence counsellor who will be able to recommendlocal solicitors who specialise in family law and who offer a free half-hour initial consultation.

Go with your first reaction and hang him out to dry, honey, and if he should kick off in any way that makes you feel intimidated or fearful for the dc this weekend, don't hesitate to dial 999 and have him removed from your home.

You have said you don't know if you're strong enough to phone the police. You MUST gather courage and be strong enough. Your sons are depending on you. Ring Women's Aid first perhaps and they will help you. But don't do nothing.