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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any advice - or failing that a kick up the arse?

23 replies

soslapme · 04/05/2012 22:03

Ok, have namechanged for this one

Got dumped last week by bf of nearly 18 months after 12 fantastic months and a couple of months of him finding whole thing of having mainly to come to mine (don?t have anyone to take kids as xh lives abroad) and him finding my kids? cheeking me/lack of behaviour difficult.

Despite the problems outlined above, I thought we had resolved matters so was gobsmacked at being dumped ? I felt (still do to be honest) bereft and floored at though of never seeing him again. He is a kind, considerate man who loves me and is fond of my children ? but his w (has been separated for more than two years but not divorced yet) has children so he has stepchildren though not in contact that much. For various reasons, he is still paying the mortgage on a regular basis for the marital home. He says he is in a mess and has been cutting himself off from friends and family ? and now me.

To cut a long story short, on Wednesday he popped up on MSN for the first time in ages ? and I being an idiot initiated contact. He asked me to call which I did and later that evening he called me. We spoke for nearly two hours and both cried throughout.

He is worried that he will hurt me (am hurting horribly already ?), can?t promise that he can give me the future I want (though other than not splitting up, I am not really sure what I want in the future).

I told him if he needed space/time then that was ok. We agreed to keep talking. We were on IM today and I?m just worried that maybe I?m clutching at straws plus putting him under pressure which I said I would try not to do. He seems happy to chat on IM/has promised to phone but reading between the lines I get the feeling he doesn?t want to give me false hope though does say he loves me ?.

We both seem to be cycling between despair and optimism though ? he says he hasn?t got the words to describe the emotions he is feeling ? and I just feel either despair ? or thinking the fact that we?re still talking must man something.

So, wise ladies, what is going on? Am I deluding myself? Is there any hope? What should I do? And btw, he is not having an affair ? just don?t go there please.

OP posts:

ParsleyTheLioness · 04/05/2012 22:10

I don't know what's going on with him, and maybe neither does he. It does sound like the 'uncertainty' might be hard to live with though. Depends on whether being without him feels worse to you...

Original poster

soslapme · 04/05/2012 22:14

Being without him makes me feel despair - absolute sheer despair and total unhappiness ...

Other than this (pretty big this, I'll admit ..) we get on so well, it's ridiculous - if I didn't know we'd split up, I'd have almost enjoyed some of our online banter today ....

What I want is either to turn the clock back (though whether to before I met him or before we started having problems I don't know) or forward to where I just don't have this pain and feeling of having had our future destroyed anymore ...

OP posts:

ParsleyTheLioness · 04/05/2012 22:21

Ah....recognise the 'not wanting the time to be now, it's too painful' thing....have got something similar going on. I would be tempted (but not necessarily follow through) on giving him some space. Maybe give him chance to miss you desperately? FWIW I gave my not so dh of 20 yrs chance to miss me, and it became obvious he, well....didn't. Won't necessarily be the same for you of course.

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 22:28

OP my advice would be stop all contact. Stop giving him comfort. He's the one with unresolved issues, not you. Give him enought space to either hang himself with indecisive misery or come back ready for a relationship.

lowercase · 04/05/2012 22:30

if he wanted you, he would not be sitting on the fence i dont think.

try and put it behind you

Original poster

soslapme · 04/05/2012 22:31

Am trying (but not doing well on) giving space and time. Have said I'm ok with not seeing him/not being gf/bf (and god even wanting to be someone's gf sounds like such a childish ambition!) so long as he acknowledges me/our feelings for each other ... contradiction in terms I know but that just about sums up how I feel at the moment.

Suppose what would really work would be being put to sleep until my heart catches up with my head ....

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 22:37

Or turning your phone/lap top off, getting on the phone and calling "The Troups" round for copious amounts of wine some light refreshments and putting "The play list" on from a thread that's active at the moment.

Seriously though OP, don't get sucked into this. One of his reasons was your kids etc. Bollocks to that!

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 22:37

Obvious use phone to call troups before turning it off and handing it over to one of them!

Original poster

soslapme · 04/05/2012 22:40

Re the kids thing - I can understand it in a way - he feels he has screwed up one stepfamily and I think has deep fears/concerns about doing the same - and I'm sure being with my children stirs some painful memories of the kids he spent nearly 10 years with ...

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 22:43

him finding my kids? cheeking me/lack of behaviour difficult

This is what I meant by the kids thing sos

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 22:44

I think its below the belt to use this as an excuse for "wanting space".

He could have as much space as he liked as far as I'm concerned.

Original poster

soslapme · 04/05/2012 22:47

Fair point but like I said, was one of the things I thought we had resolved i.e. i had explained that my children have had me to themselves for many years and sometimes get a bit overexcited/lairy when xbf was around as - in their eyes anyway - he took me away from them. They also can do the normal thing some kids of single parents do and see if they can test your love .. at least that's my take on it.

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 22:53

Yes sos and he should have appreciated that fact.

I'm single also and have brought my DS up from the age of 2, he's now 14. Where a boyfriend was concerned, the one deal breaker for me was if a man had the audacity to criticise my parenting, or say one damn bad thing about him.

They got shown the door.

Original poster

soslapme · 04/05/2012 22:59

Think we'd have to disagree on that one MissF - if I want a serious relationship with someone then I want them to feel they can comment on parenting issues - doesn't mean I'll agree with them but want them to know they are entitled to comment if nothing else. Freedom of speech and all that

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 23:06

Ok then OP, I know you're feeling very sad and in pain but if he was "worried about hurting you" he damn well wouldn't.

I'm not trying to be horrid here but I feel he's feeding you a load of bullshit trying to stay the nice guy to get out of this.

foolonthehill · 04/05/2012 23:07

Hmmm, have we met before?
Think you need some distance and a new hobby?
You come with your children so if he finds them difficult...that's a deal breaker isn't it?

Original poster

soslapme · 04/05/2012 23:15

Now on that one I might agree - and think it is something I am burying my head in the sand about giving consideration to.

When I said, however, that was he just trying to be nice and not tell me to f*ck off, he replied that were that the case, he would do (and in fact has done already ...).

I do really think he is confused/is very aware that he has hurt me by previous behaviour and finishing it/doesn't know what to do to keep both himself and me happy - and maybe at some level knows that that will prove to be impossible ....

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 23:22

Stop over thinking OP. He left and only he knows the reasons, so what. Why do you need clarification of how much you meant to him? He's bound to try and be "nice".

His confusion = his problem (if that's the case) but I doubt it.

(and in fact has done already ...) there you go then.

Lick you wounds sweetheart but try to stay of the damn phone to him huh. We've all been there and wished when it was all over we had the balls to tell them to fuck right off, ay.

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 23:24

Sorry OP.. typing fast here, please excuse typos.

Original poster

soslapme · 05/05/2012 08:05

Thanks for advice - and I am trying (at least think about) moving on ... still feel in turmoil though due to mixed messages - him saying he still loves me/doesn't want us to stop communicating.

And I've hurt people I've loved before - not really intentionally but because I've wanted different things/loved them in a different way than they've loved me so I do think it is possible to hurt those you love even if you don't really want to and regret doing so.

And @fool - yes, I come with my kids - but ffs, I find them difficult at times - does that make me a bad mother? Should I just give up on them because sometimes I cannot stand the way they behave? Surely it's something that almost always is going to happen if a single mother or father gets together with another adult - unless they are absolute paragons, there are sometimes going to be some bumps in the road to paradise, no?

OP posts:

Original poster

soslapme · 05/05/2012 11:00

Have read all the above again and suppose know that really I am clutching at straws re the relationship continuing.

I do actually believe he loves me - just not enough and not in a way that matters right now.

I am just so in bits - I feel like my future is shattered and I don't know how or if to go on. I can't sleep despite having got sleeping pills from gp and am getting such bad anxiety/panic attacks I am getting chest pains ... I know I have to pull myself together for my sake and for the sake of my children - just at the moment really don't know how. Don't ever remember feeling this low before ...

OP posts:

ParsleyTheLioness · 05/05/2012 12:13

Sorry you're feeling low, So, but it does get better, in time. At times, I just repeat to myself, like a mantra, "this too shall pass". And it will. No magic pill tho' x

foolonthehill · 05/05/2012 13:03

there is a different future out there waiting for you Op...travel hopefully and you will arrive.

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