Why am I not getting over him? Sage advice politely requested.

[Rosmarin]

I want to get over my ex, but I'm not getting over him and actually things seem to be getting worse. I don't know what to do. I feel a bit haunted by it now and I want to be rid of this - it's been half a year (which I know isn't much but I'm living at year-abroad 21-year-old lightspeed and am super busy and productive, so not at all lounging around moping and pining for him. I should have forgotten him at the speed things are moving!). We have no contact and although I have plenty of evidence to show there's no chance in hell for anything, we humans have an incredible talent for duping ourselves hope. I'm too scared to get in touch and really there's probably only hurt to be found by doing so.

So what do I do now?

P.S. Have tried multitude of classic tactics to move on. No avail!

How long were you together cos unless you were only together for a week 6 months is not long to get over anything significant.

It takes as long as it takes - ways to help include focusing on you and not him - doing things you like, taking up hobbies, making more friends, meeting someone else (obviously).

Relationships have things to teach us, if you're still thinking about him maybe there is more to learn from the relationship.

I've been divorced from my husband for 8 years - I still think about him once or twice a week and I still learn from that experience (bittersweet lessons).

If I felt like that I'd go back for a definate no rather for closure. Living away feels like a holiday so you can't plan/ know what happens when u return.

I don't think there are any tactics to speak of. Time helps considerably - which is why staying busy is a good move as it helps the time to pass quicker. What really puts an ex out of your head however is when someone else better takes their place.

So two things:

I've been incredibly busy and have filled my time with projects, sports, hobbies and tons of new friends. Really I couldn't do more of that!

As for meeting someone new: I've done a bit of dating, I've done being alone, and I've done the inbetween. Everyone else falls far short so it's rather disheartening. And I don't actually want anyone else - I just want to be happily single (which I am, but minus thoughts of ex).

I am confused. Do you want him back but he doesnt want you?Or did you end it with him?

He ended it and all the evidence suggests he doesn't want anything.

To be fair, you've only had six months' worth of dating experience. You don't have to be with someone to be happy, of course. But 'happily single' is probably not the whole truth if you're still haunted by an old relationship and measuring others by his standards. That's the trouble with being dumped... when it's not your decision, it's far harder to take.

So what's going on here then?

Curiously, I had about four good friends going through simultaneous break-ups and they are apparently 'all better'. Some have new relationships, some don't. They were all also dumpees. Which makes me feel a bit like maybe my feelings were a bit more profound (or I was more deeply entrenched, let's say). Hmm.

Hmmm..this could be the point where you are remembering him through rose tinted glasses, try and remember a few of the less fragrant, slightly mortifying or downright boring bits. There isn't a time frame for getting over people..sometimes it'll take a day, sometimes a year..I can absolutely guarantee that it will happen though! I think there are plenty of 'Mr Rights' for everyone, so another one will come along if that's what you want (isn't there a saying that life is what happens whilst you're busy making other plans?..). He has ended it, he doesn't want you, wish him well in your mind and get your pulling pants on...there is someone out there that is going to make him seem like the warm up act.

Sorry I asked you a question and then didnt reply.I had to go out earlier than expected.
You need to be careful that you dont compare all future boyfriends to your ex.He is not around now and doesnt like he is going to be.That is sad for you and it may take some time to get over him.You may always have a soft spot for him, but for whatever reason , it did not work out.
Give yourself time, but you may have to force yourself to get over him.Good luck.

I'm not sure how to help myself get over him. I've tried various things - making lists of the bad, remembering the negative, distracting myself completely, altering my thinking patterns, just 'going with it'...

And then like most days, today I woke up slightly exhausted after having dreamt about him. I got a message from a friend who told me that there is no new facebook photo with some new girl (I didn't ask, not sure why she said it). So that's left me feeling very strange this morning, which I know is ridiculous.

amillion -- I'm worried, too, that his legacy will continue to cause problems for me in the future. It's just that he set the bar so damn high. So how do I avoid that?

I guess my main question is: why are my feelings getting stronger? Is it something I'm doing in my thinking that is making it worse?

It's only been six months and that's no time at all. By thinking about him - even in a negative way - you're keeping him top of mind. Friends checking out his FB pages aren't helping either. You sound rather competitive... maybe it's that you're still smarting because you don't like losing?

Rosmarin, my number one criterion for liking/loving a guy is that he really really likes/loves me. All other stuff, like is he handsome, kind to small animals, makes my mum laugh, comes after that.

I have found this has saved me infinite heartache over the years. I have so many friends that caught up in 'romantic' unrequited love situations, in which they pined for various men for years which actually stopped them getting on and finding someone new. The worst was they were quite often perfectly ordinary men, or even not very nice ones. It was a mystery what they were pining after (given there's more than one nice man in the world).

Remember, if he doesn't think you are the acest, most wonderful girl in the world, then he's not that ideal then, is he?

You also can't compare going on a few dates with a new guy to the depth of feeling and experiences you had in a long-term relationship.

I don't think you are ready to move on, stay single and just wait it out. But he wasn't an ideal person really, he was a normal person. Just give yourself time, this will pass (unless actually getting hung up on ideal people provides you with an emotional experience you like). Dreaming is your way of working it all out in your head, again, this will pass, you won't be dreaming of him in 20 years time.

When one of my relationships ended in my twenties I was absolutely devastated. It hadn't been a particularly long relationship (around a year) and we certainly weren't well suited (something which I only realised much later in retrospect). I was pretty much heartbroken for about 18 months. Things would seem to improve sometimes, then the devastation of it all would hit me with full force all over again. Like you, I tried various techniques with a view to moving on, to no avail. One day, it just occurred to me that I hadn't thought about him for a week. Ten years on, I hardly think of him at all. When I do, it strikes me what a favour he actually did me. If he hadn't ended it, I would probably still be with him today - and would have missed out on so much, not least my wonderful dh and dc. All a long winded way of saying that time is the best healer and break ups are almost always for the best, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

I think you haven't moved on because the hope is still alive that you'll get bacl together, that he'll realise what he's lost. This FB with no new gf mentioned is now rekindling it even more. You could take the brave step andcontact him ONCE just to hear confirmation that he's definitely not interested, this could cool you down. But it will all aso give him a one last chance to get back together if he does regret splitting up, just in case he's convinced you won't take him back after being dumpoed by him. You don't really have much to lose by one final contact, as all else seemed to fail. It must be said that he should ve contacted you if he regretted anything but sometimes younger men aer too proud to admit mistaked or they think YOU aer too proud to take them back - if he did feel something he probably would get back to you sooner or later, but it's better for you not to wait for that (subconsciously maybe) and just clear things up.

Is this the man you had a thread about a few months ago? If I remember correctly he treated you badly and was a game playing head fuck?

If the men you dated after him didn't measure up to him, you're well rid of them, too.

Would it help to revisit the old thread you had about him do you think?

It's just that he set the bar so damn high

Could it be that some part of you doesn't believe that you'll ever find another great relationship, and that's why you cling on to that one?

If so - look at the obvious. You found one before, you'll find one again.

I broke up with my now husband for three years, during that time we had zero contact, and I missed him every day. I honestly thought I was a freak. I probably am, tbh, but I never got over him, and when we did finally get back in contact we were married not long after that and now we're very happy.

That's me and my relationship though. No guarantee at all that it will resemble yours.

watching with interest. Wish I could get over my sort of ex. If you find a way let me know!

Sorry Rosmarin, had to go out again.Youve had some good replies in the mean time.Im only talking about this because the same thing happened to some one I know, not me, and the relationship got further than yours.She was actually the same age as you.
It took the person a long time to get over it,and she, as far as i know was comparing all future boyfriends to her ex.
They did get in contact some years later, and she was very grateful she did not end up with him.He was not the man she thought he was for all those years.
Also it takes two to make a relationship.Rather like a seesaw.If there is only 1 person there, it just wont work.Hope this is of some help.

nizpoli, interesting story. Did you get in contact with him first? it's lucky neither of you got involved with the wrong people meanwhile.

Get the Paul McKenna I can mend your broken heart book and CD.

He got in contact with me. It was a bit of a surprise, because I honestly didn't expect to ever hear from him again. With me and him though, when we were first together we were younger (me late teens, him early 20's) and it took those few years apart for us to grow up a bit. It did us a lot of good.

Oh, and we did both have partners in between, who we were unhappy with. Both were over before we got back together though, before we even got back in contact. I certainly wouldn't have resumed anything whilst he was with somebody else :)