I'm trying to do the right thing by PIL, ut I'm not sure what it is.

[O2BNormal]

DH has never had a good relationship with his parents. They have always been of the attitude that he "owes" them for everything they "sacrificed" to bring him up. Whenever we gave a present it was too cheap, if we went for lunch we left too early, he didn't phone often enough, we didn't ask them to babysit enough, but if we did, we only wanted them when we needed them etc. MIL even phoned the day after DS1 was born to complain that the Mothers Day card we'd sent her was too small.

For a while MIL had DS1 one day per week while I was at work and that arrangement was OK, but the day before I was due to go back after DS2 was born, DH upset his mum over some small slight and she decided she wasn't going to do the childminding anymore. Obviously her choice, but it gave us less than 24 hours to make other arrangements. I think she probably thought we'd be so desperate we'd have to beg her to come back, but as it happened a friend who had been a nanny before her own DC was looking for part-time work and she had them for me - we'd only asked MIL to keep the peace, as my parents were having the DC one day pw too and everything had to be "fair"

DH decided he'd had enough, using the children against him was the final straw and we haven't seen them since (8 years). I'm sad my DC don't know their GPs and I suspects DH will have regrets later, but he insists life is better without them (it's certainly less stressful)

Anyway PILs always send cards and cash for DCs birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc and since they've been old enough to write DCs have always written to thank them. The only other contact has been cards I've sent for their birthday and Christmas enclosing photos of DC. At Easter DCs wrote lovely letters which GPs have replied to with a small gift to say thanks.

So, I'm now thinking that I encouraged them to write nice letters, but where does it end? DH is not at all happy about a regular correspondence with the DC and as the DC get older who knows what their private mail could include.

I've tried to keep some small communication open (with DH's knowledge, but not exactly approval - he's basically said do it if you want, but refused to get involved himself) but now it seems I might have stirred up trouble for the future.

Sorry it['s so long, if you've got this far WWYD?

i would go with your dhs wishes.

It's not quite a simple as that though. DH would do "nothing" which means ignoring (but accepting) the gifts. Or returning them. Both would cause trouble and end up with there being no open line of communication at all.

And the mail is addressed to the DCs, so it's not mine to return.

They sound VILE. Why on earth would you inflict such emotional terrorists on your DC?

Your DH has the measure of them. Support him in that. If you must persist with the letter writing, OK, but they don't sound suitable to have contact with tbh. You'd be opening up a whole other can of worms.

Your In-laws are perfectly capable of USING the children, to manipulate them.

You are applying normal family dynamic to these people and they are FAR from normal.

You need to make sure the contents of the mail is appropriate. As in internet, you need to be aware of all contact to your DC.

Wow, can't imagine how hard that would be. I think it would depend on how the 'gift to say thanks' is communicated. If it's really a token thing then I wouldn't feel obliged to respond, otherwise when thank you letters were sent there'd be a letter back and on and on and on.... OTOH, if the gifts are a bit more than token, could you text / call on their behalf and say a thank you for all of them? Or is the next b'day soon and could incorporate the thank you letter for that with one for all these too? Just so it doesn't become a constant stream as your DH is clearly uncomfortable with that but you've said something.

I know, I started this when the DC were tiny, PIL sent generous gifts and it seemed only right to thank them (which I did myself)

DC are now old enough to write their own letters and that seemed like the right thing to do too, but I obviously didn't think it through properly. I saw it as doing the right thing rather than lowering myself to their level iyswim.

So, DS2 has a birthday coming up. What do I do with the cash, which will come in an envelope addressed to him?

Your DH has done right by not letting his children be around such his toxic parents. They would not bring anything at all positive into your childrens lives and are now using you as a conduit to have written contact with your children.
You have been manipulated by his parents as well.

You are likely to be from a background yourself where this type of toxic behaviour is thankfully unknown so it is hard to know what to do for the best or to even begin to understand the dynamics here. The best thing you can do is present a united front and back your H here completely. He knows them far more than you do; he's had a lifetime of their conditioning and the worm has turned.

What you are doing would work in families where such dysfunction does not happen but you are up against people who do not and will never play by the rules governing "normal" familial relations. They will use the cards and correspondence on your children to their ends.

Stop asking your children to write cards, these people are using these items as manipulation to buy your childrens' affections. You do not have to give your children this mail from grandparents whom they have not seen for years on end. Destroy all cards and give any cash or gifts to charity/charity shop. Its really the only way.

Well -I'm guessing that you will have to contact them and ask them to no longer send gifts as your dH wants to cut all ties.

The thing that's stopping me doing that Attilla is how DCs would feel if they found out (maybe as adults) that their GPs had been writing to them for years (including large amounts of cash) and that I hadn't let them have it.

Dropdead, I suspect doing that would only make the mail more frequent.

How old are the DC now?. You do not have to hand them any correspondence.

You (and for that matter your DH) did not make his parents that way; they are choosing to act like this. This is about power and control; they still want this over you hence the gifts etc.

Sending gifts and such like is a time honoured tactic used by toxic parents now grandparents to get back at their whom they see as "errant" offspring via the children. His parents are really low doing that; you are all being manipulated.

Such unwarranted contact in the form of gifts can also be seen as harrassment.

Any gifts etc should be given to the charity shop or a charity without any acknowledgement whatsoever from you or the children.

You would not put up with this sort of dysfunctional behaviour from a friend, family are really no different.

Would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward, it may well help you.

Then just return all the post unopened - your SH will have to tell the dc, when they are old enough to understand, his reasons for not wanting contact
When they are adults they can decide if they want to see their gps

oh God... please just take your H's lead, they're his parents and he knows best. how dreadfully undermining it is for you to insist on a relationship with people who have done him wrong! imagine how he feels!

why on earth would you want your children in contact with people like that in any case? they sound awful.

just be honest with your children from the start. "GPs have treated Daddy very badly and he wants to protect you in case they do the same to you".

there's no need to wring your hands about how the kids will be upset in the future. when they're adults, they'll understand. you'll be teaching them boundaries, and about how to resist manipulation. those are invaluable life skills!

please just send the cards and gifts back to the GPs and don't allow them into your life. you are really not helping by "keeping lines of communication open" with such nasty people.

accepting gifts from manipulators is just such an incredibly poor decision, please don't do it.

If you wanted to continue the contact, I would keep it to just a brief letter of thanks after Christmas and birthday presents. I wouldn't extend it to another round of letters after a present for a thank you letter - that just extends it, and gives them a way in to extend it even more.

Failing that, to tell the dc that there is no need to write and thank them. The presents should then drop off.