What should I do?

[OrmIrian]

Friends' partner has walked out on her. He is behaving like an arse - DH says we've only heard his side of the story and that may be true but even so he is behaving like an arse. I've spent a lot of time with her trying to support her and she is utterly devestated. I am on ADs atm because of my own depression and TBH I am struggling a little with the whole thing but she needs me there.

Anyway he took nothing of his. She has packed up most of his things and left them in the hall way. She wants them gone because it is upsetting her. He refuses to come and pick them up - lied to DH that she had told him not to come round. So DH and I have been carrying the stuff out of her house, ferrying the stuff over to him in our car and then he deigns to help carry it all of it up 2 flights of stairs. I have a bad back and DH has a torn hamstring so we're a pair of old crocks atm My friend is almost crippled with back and shoulder problems and he has taken their only vehicle.

Now to cap it all he has refused to come and dismantle the bloody model railway he set up. Has told her to ebay it. Problem there is that she can't take it all down so yet again DH and I will have to come to the rescue. I can't leave her to stew as she in such a state, the arsehole refuses to come and do it. I don't want to refuse to help her and don't know any of her other friends well enough that I could ask.

I am pissed off (with him and the situation) but don't want to let her know as it might just make her worse. She won't hear a word against him.

Its a difficult one. I'm sure that all your support helps your friend a lot and it shows her what a good friend you are.

Model railways - there are always collectors around - have you any idea whether its good or reasonably valuable? I would be minded to put it for sale on the basis of 'buyer dismantles and collects' and then be prepared to go round for a morning, afternoon or evening to be with your friend whilst that happened? You might even discuss with her when would be convenient and put that in the add?

It's a good idea mistle. But she doesn't want to sell it. I think she wants us to keep it for her as DH had a railway of his own. But we don't have room for it. I might suggest she sells it and then send arsehole the money.

I am just so fed up of carrying dusty boxes up and down stairs!

Has she no other friends or relations apart from you? I honestly think he's laughing at you, watching you stagger about with his stuff, acting like a personalised removal service. I would suggest to the friend that she threatens to put everything else in a skip, gets some other people to help do exactly that (your injuries are now overwhelming) and see if that puts a rocket under him.

Well, its her decision - either she sells it and gets the buyer to dismantle it or she keeps it. Be completely honest with her - that physically you're both too stretched to do any more physical work for her like this and its not helping either of your.

Why does she need to get rid of it? Is it taking up room that she needs? If her H is simply being difficult and on the one hand saying that he wants it sold / returned but that he can't be bothered doing anything about it, why should anyone else bother?

You've done a lot for her already - more than is actually required of a good friend. You now need to start thinking of yourself in the equation - you still need to be friends and this will either physically drain you more or push that friendship too far.

She needs to start taking some proper and difficult decisions that you can support her with - but not at the expense of doing yourself further injury or preventing recovery.

Thanks cog! I don't think he wants the stuff back - he was muttering under his breath when we took the last lot of stuff but she doesn't want it in her house.

Family in France. I have the number of one of her other friends. I could call her I guess though I don't know her that well.

She won't put it in a skip. That is more or less what his previous partner did to him and he always goes on about that. She doesn't want to give him any more ammunition though fuck know why she still cares what he thinks.

It's absurd isn't it? I am going to have to put my foot down and say we can't do anymore.

Thanks mistle. She dissolves into tears whenever i try to make her plan or make decisions. But even so.....

Can you make sure that you ask 'what are YOU going to do with it'... and 'we've been thinking of ways that YOU might be able to sort this out'. She needs to start taking the initiative (even if you facilitate it). You also need to be clear on what help she can expect from you - eg 'I can stay with you whilst the buyer dismantles it'.

Does sound a bit as though you need to put a tin hat on and she needs to pull up her socks (I know that both are very difficult under the circumstances)

If a previous partner dumped his stuff maybe that's because he behaved exactly the same way :) You'd think he'd have learned by now.

cogito - I guess he's too thick to learn.

I sent her a text (I'm at work and I can't have long weepy phone calls) to say we'll be over tomorrow to move one more car load of stuff. DH will have a look at the train stuff but then I think I am going to have to put my foot down. We've got more than enough to do at weekends as it is.

Am taking wine and chocolate so that might help...