Happening again?

[Dyeingforachange]

DH had a 7 mth affair last year but ended it. I found out when the OW sent numerous texts and voicemails upset at being dumped. During the relationship DH was constantly finding fault with me, losing his temper with inanimate objects, focussing his attention on DS, lying about what he was doing, surreptitiously texting and rarely sleeping with me. All the usual pointers I discovered on MN.

As a result communication has been very difficult and I don't find it easy to talk to him and he doesn't want to rake over it all. I eventually wrote him a letter expressing everything I was feeling. He read it but said nothing. I left it for a few days then asked him about it. He said "I get it, I'm a c*nt and it's all my fault" and clammed up again. He seems on one hand to be making more of an effort to spend time with us as a family for the first time in ages but on the other he is crotchety and I have to initiate any intimacy.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't really trust him anymore but equally I don't know whether he is just reacting to the contents of my letter (especially as I said I have images of them together in my head whenever we have sex).

MNetters on this thread tend to have a finely tuned OW radar - what do you think?

I think you have to decide whether you want to live like this or whether you can put up with it for the sake of being his doormat with him.

He doesn't sound like he's ready to face up to things and you will drive yourself mad wondering. Would it be feasible to separate for a while and see how it goes?

Much sympathy. I'm not quite in that position but my dh has already got me wondering.

He got it spot on didn't he? He really is a cunt and it is all his fault. You were acting out of shock when you found out, and the tendency is to want to find your comfort zone i.e. keep everything as it was and hope the nasty stuff goes away. Sorry but it won't. Now you've forgiven and effectively said 'it's OK to have affairs' he'll treat your feelings with utter contempt.

Make him leave, give yourself time to think about everything that has happened and consider what you actually want out of life. I would suggest it isn't an untrustworthy partner that doesn't care about your feelings.

it sounds to me like he is trying to remain the "good guy" (by spending time with fam etc) while also

a) guilting you into shutting up about the emotional consequences of his affair,

b) venting his own frustration at you having cut him off from his fantasy life, and

c) forcing your hand. he's not going to comfort you or make reparations; he's going to maintain distance and keep you feeling shitty and unstable in the r/s. so hopefully you'll dump him. and he can still be the good guy, complete with nasty wife who didn't understand him and then left him, while also getting a free pass to return to his fantasy life.

it doesn't sound good sorry.
if he was worth his salt, and if he really wanted to make it up to you and rebuild things, he would be grovelling at your feet trying to make amends.

Don't think it's really an option to go for a trial separation as he has nowhere to go other than his parents and they live at the other end of the country. He has spoken about looking for work there (job situation here not good and his job looking rocky). If he did go down there I doubt he would ever come back even though he would initially make the effort to see our young ds.

In many ways him deciding to look for better paid/more secure work down there would be the best outcome for me as it would have been his choice rather than blaming me for kicking him out and the inevitable grief I would get from that in years to come.

and he will be sniffing around for the next OW as we speak. this is not the behaviour of a reformed philanderer.

You have to give him credit.
He did get it.

I'm not surprised you can't get over it. It was a major loss of trust and a betrayal.
I don't think I'd forgive a 7 month affair, particularly with the behaviour you have described.

Stop caring about his feelings. What does it matter that he has nowhere to go? Should have thought of that earlier, shouldn't he? There are B&Bs everywhere, he could go there. And so what if you were the one that kicked him out? If he gives you any 'grief' you remind him that he is.... his words... "a cunt and it was all his fault".

Wouldn't waste a drop more sympathy on this man. Your self-respect must be on its arse. Stop feeling sorry for him and start getting angry.

Cognito he has very little money coming in so he'd be sleeping in his car. I can afford to carry on without him in our (mine and DS's) life but not to give him a payout which I would have to do if we divorced. If he goes of his own volition I strongly believe that he would just walk away without demanding anything from me. If he got kicked out I'm sure he would try to take me to the cleaners as a way of getting back at me.

The fact that you think he'd 'take you to the cleaners' says everything really. You don't trust him to play fair with money any more than you trust him to be faithful and given his abysmal lack of contrition or willingness to work on himself after the affair, I'd say your trust instincts are right.

As in most affairs, it wasn't just the infidelity that you had to forgive. It was all the shitty behaviour that went with it. It's not surprising you've been feeling the way you have, especially when by the sounds of it, he's learnt nothing about himself as a result of it.

My best advice is see a solicitor, because he can't 'take you to the cleaners'. Generally speaking, if you remain the primary carer and you co-own your home, you'll be entitled to keep the property until your child is independent and only then can a sale be forced. Your life is likely to be very different then. He must also pay a percentage of his earnings towards child maintenance and you might be entitled to spousal maintenance too.

I'm not sure whether you are asking whether we think the affair has resumed, but if you've got any suspicions of this and if proved correct, it would strengthen your resolve, get snooping. But really, you don't need that to say 'enough'. And it doesn't matter a fig if he says you kicked him out. So what? There's no rule that says a marriage shouldn't end after a first offence is there?

I don't think he is still seeing OW if that's what you are asking.

I don't think he is committed to the marriage though.

I think you would find reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends very helpful.

so, your H had a husband had an affair and has never taken responsibility for it

he only got found out because he was a shit to the OW too

when you express your understandable distress, he attempts to get you to STFU because it upsets him

he is still being a cunt to you

you are walking on eggshells and not allowed to speak your mind

you think you would be blamed for a marriage break up, when this is no way your fault, it is his

if you were to split, he would shaft you and your children

why are you still with a man like this ?

it wouldn't matter to me if he were still dipping his wick elsewhere, his present behaviour would be the deal breaker, and the fact that it's quite clear he is a selfish, self absorbed pig who didn't give a shit about me

you can say you've changed your mind any time you like, I hope you do

You're still taking his behaviour into account as priority over your feelings and needs. If he has nothing and is only 'talking' about finding a job far away, he is unlikely to walk out of his own volition. Then, using your logic, you'll be saddled with him and your mistrust will grow into resentment and then hate. That's not a good way to live. As said above, a preemptive visit to a solicitor will put your mind at rest about your home and other assets.

A person who has cheated should be grovelling, taking full responsibility for his/her actions and doing everything he/she can to help you recover such as going to counselling to look into himself and address those character flaws which led to the affair, answering your questions honestly and respectfully, investing time and energy into the marriage and putting in places boundaries and barriers to prevent future infidelity.

Is he doing any of these?

I suspect no, and my advice is to see a solicitor to find out your rights so that you are in a better place when deciding your future.

Remember he has already made the choice to piss on his marriage, on you and his family.

Why are you still with that cunt ? Has he got any redeeming qualities at all ? None, as far as I can see. Why are you still interested in sex with him, has he got a 12 inch diamond encrusted cock?

There have been times when he has made an effort and it has felt like it used to. When we are doing something together it reminds me why I wanted to marry him. I know I will get lambasted for this but seeing it from his point of view, his efforts at trying to mend things have not always been well received by me because of the trust issues and he must wonder just what he has to do to make it right. I know how I feel when my attempts to build bridges/friendships with people have failed. OK shout at me now for thinking about it from his POV.

I have bought the Not just friends book and I'm working my way through it - finding it very helpful. Getting counselling too (for me as this is one of a number of issues I'm dealing with).

My self esteem isn't too far down what bugs me is that I misjudged his character so badly. He's made a huge fool of me and I didn't see it coming and I'm going to have to face the inevitable "Well we never liked/trusted him" comments that come out after it's all too late.

Why do I want to sleep with him? My libido hasn't died and I don't want to add to the problems by finding someone else to sleep with.

He is actively going after jobs elsewhere so it's not a remote possibility. Everything is in my name and he hasn't contributed to anything but would benefit financially because I made the mistake of getting married.

I want to bide my time, get everything in order financially and finish it when it's right for me. Don't want the mess to be greater than it already is.

Glad you have got the book and that its helping.

If you decide to continue having sex with him, I hope he has been tested for STDs.

Take care.