AIBU to want to go to Relate?

[DoggieAndDuckie]

I'm not sure what we need to do, but we need to do something.

DH and I have fallen into a way of communicating with each other, where everything is the other one's fault. We snap and say things in an accusing way. Our DCs are both very small, 2 aged 2 and under, and we are both so, so tired and run down. I know the tiredness doesn't help the arguing, and that things will get better between us when we get more rest but that could be some time away. I feel we are damaging our relationship here and now. We are both finding our DCs hard work, particularly the 2 year old, and disagree on how to deal with her behaviour.

DH is the "fun Dad" but also snaps at our toddler without much warning, and often talks to her as though she is much older, almost berating her when she's difficult. I think the DCs find this really confusing and I am uncomfortable with him going on and on, so step in, but then we argue in front of them, shout at each other and upset them more. DH says I criticise him a lot and nag, which I guess I do, but if we try and agree on a way of dealing with things when we're calm, he agrees but doesn't follow through in the heat of the moment, so I feel I have to step in.

DH says he feels angry a lot of the time, as he has work stress that he doesn't get to offload/doesn't get enough time to himself etc. He will often deny that he is annoyed about something when he clearly is which I find very hard. I am not perfect in any way, finding being at home with 2 little ones very hard, and long for some time to myself (he has only been out of the house with them both on his own once in 9 months) so do find it difficult to give him time at weekends as I dearly need some myself.

In the main, we have a lot going for us. Not least that we want to stay together. We want the DCs to have a happy, stable family life and we want to support each other but just don't know how.

Do you think going to Relate would help? Or any suggestions if not?

In your situation, I'd be learning to meditate and practising loving kindness meditation (nauseous term, but it's got a clear meaning) - Eight Minute Meditation is a fabulous book to learn to meditate from - you just have to surrender to the cheesy americanness of it - the techniques are clearly explained and it is well structured so that you really learn how to do it. NB there doesn't have to be anything religious or spiritual about it, you can just use loving kindness meditation as a way of concentrating on the loveability of another person.

Or else, without sharing them with each other, keep an appreciation journal (aka a gratitude journal), where each day you note down two things you appreciated that your spouse did, and one thing for each child, and maybe one thing random that happened outside the family that you appreciated. Doing it just for a month is a great way of concentrating your mind on what you love about the people around you, and can get you into the habit of expressing that appreciation genuinely and without strings or snippiness. When things get a bit grumpy again, start up the journal again.

But, of course, in true MN manner, the best advice is to Leave The Bastard

You need a break! Both of you, together and separately. It is really hard to find any time when you have a baby and a toddler at home. But you need to look for ways that you can get some time off, recharge your batteries and be a couple again.

What about family support? Or local friends?

My experience of Relate is that it's really good as a way of giving you time to talk properly with an expert to sort of adjudicate and make sure the discussion is fair. I think if you're both motivated to make things work, it can really help. Where it doesn't help, is where the problems are caused by the fact that one person isn't committed to the relationship but can't bring themselves to say that.

But my DH and I went to Relate for about 4 months and we went from the brink of separating (while both being really upset about that), to being happy and loved up again - after 13 yrs of marriage and 2 kids that takes some work and cost but was well worth it.

Would you manage a weekly hours childcare?

Om, really like the idea of noting what we appreciate, as I think we both feel the other doesn't appreciate what we have done. I do notice and appreciate things DH does but maybe don't say enough, and I definitely feel like he has no idea how hard I have worked to eg get dinner ready and house vaguely (sp) straight, and that that is an expression of my love for him and our family.

Mint we have no family nearby. My family are supportive of us in an emotional sense, and keep in good contact with us - celebrate DCs birthdays, ask how we are etc. DH's family have never liked me, and seem to have transferred that to our DCs a bit - didn't visit when they were born, forget birthdays, never ring etc. This is another cause of stress in our relationship - both being undersupported, and the fracture in DH's relationship with his family, which he isn't motivated to change, I feel I am partly responsible for (by not being an acceptable partner) and I feel hurt that the DCs are not fully accepted/loved by their extended family.

We moved here with DHs work so only know colleagues and other parents met through having the DCs. We do have childcare though, that I think I could try and get to cover an extra hour/week - more expense but I feel if we could pay ££ for our wedding we have to pay to sort this out. I do feel embarrassed about having to explain where we would be going though - feel like making up an excuse like mortgage appt or something.

We should probably have thrown money into childcare earlier and made more time for ourselves/each other, but I feel it's gone beyond that now - too much has been said for us to just enjoy ourselves. We need to get straight first.

I'm really glad you had such a positive experience, gives me hope.

Appointment booked! Dh going along with it which I'm surprised about (he's quite shy) and we both seem to be taking a bit more care with each other now we've acknowledged there's a problem.

That's great. Well done.

If there is any chance you could go for a coffee/lunch/quick drink after the Relate session I would take it. It made a huge difference to us. After some sessions, we were able to go straight to a coffee shop and talk about the session. After others we weren't and had to go straight back into our separately busy lives. It felt as though our good work was lost.

Just by making that extra hour for ourselves, it meant we lent on each other for support, did a bit of crying that it had come to that and helped each other through. After the sessions, we often felt drained, numb or a bit shell shocked and dealing with that together was really bonding. It might also make the babysitting/childcare easier as you could invent a weekly cinema trip or something that vaguely equals the Relate + drink time.

Good luck with it

Thanks Mint. Good ideas, the timing won't work for this one, but I can imagine it's going to be quite hard to just carry on as normal so definitely something to plan for the future.

It does sound like Relate would be helpful in your situation - I hope it goes well :)