How to be tough and when to be tough.

[gigglygirly]

I am having an issue with someone I thought was a friend. I am really upset over it - might just be over sensitive though as I seem to have lost my sense of perspective.

How do you know when to just give up and how do you not slip back into the same patterns?

I think you need to give us a bit more than that to go on.

It all sounds so petty when I write it down!

Basically we have been friends for 5 ish years and (perhaps naively) I didn't realise that it was a bit one sided. I was always the one that had to work around her. We would go out for drinks or lunch but if she had a better offer she had no issue with dropping me even if it was only 10 minutes notice. Plus she always seemed to need to borrow money even though she had all sorts of expensive accessories - not that it is my business what she spends her money on but it bothered me when she had asked me for a loan.

It just feels like she doesn't speak to me unless she wants something.

I had an accident and was off work for two weeks and didn't hear anything from her at all. I have been back a week now (we work in offices next to each other) and she hasn't said a word to me. I think I must have done something wrong. There is getting to be a bit of an atmosphere at work now and other people are noticing.

If 'tough' means not allowing others to walk all over you and disregard your feelings then the answer to your title is 'always be tough'. How is a different matter, not knowing the specific issue that has upset you. If you think you'd be wasting your breath it may be best to walk away, drop the so-called friend and get on with the rest of your life. If you're thrown together with this person and can't cut them off so easily a direct, honest & unambiguous approach has a lot going for it. "Tell the truth and shame the devil" etc.

BTW if you're annoyed or upset with someone trust your gut rather than second-guessing your own emotions.

It's pretty obvious you are being used.

I think gigglygirly that's its time to call it a day with your friendship if you could call it that. She sounds like a fair weather friend from were I come from which means she is only there for the good times but when your ill or whatever she doesn't bother with you when you need her.
Friendship is a two way thing with giving and taking not with one always taking. Its definitely time for you to move on and it doesn't sound petty at all its just sad to realise that the friend you thought you had isn't much of a friend after all..

I don't think you have done anything wrong. Let's be charitable and say she feels guilty for not contacting you when you were off. She can't handle the guilt and instead of apologising she is ignoring you.

The atmosphere is probably in your imagination. Talk to her as much as you need to for work purposes - that is all.

Sounds you are well rid of her. Make some new friends (I'm sure you will) and pay a bit more attention to how they treat you.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. A very old friend (over 15 yrs) for whom I always have to make ALL the effort. I don't want to lose her because of all the happy memories we have (and for many years the relationship was entirely two sided, it's only been like this for the last 5 years or so).

With you though it doesn't sound like you have had those really happy times which make you think "maybe it's worth it". In which case I would follow all previous posters' advice and basically let this one go.

I am surprised how much it is bothering me! I guess because it has always been about her life and her issues and all the things she wants to talk about I should have noticed sooner. Everything I like was always soooooooo boring to her.

Luckily we don't have to talk much at work but people are asking if we have fallen out. I don't know what it is that I have done.

Being uncharitable it might be that I wouldn't lend her money the last few times she has asked.

It makes me doubt my judgement of people!

The money will be a big factor. If people ask if you've fallen out tell them to mind their own business. :) In the meantime, don't doubt your judgement. Selfish people are always super-nice when they want something and it's easy to think they're genuine. Now you've seen her in her true colours you can stay civil but decide to keep her more at arms length.

Most people seem to know what she is like. At the moment she is being extra loud I think to show everyone that she is more funny, interesting and better to be friends with than me.

Arms length is a good idea!

Yes op, do what others have said, also shut your office door and let her embarrass herself more get on with it.

You sound lovely by the way.

Borrowing money and thinking you are boring is not friendly behaviour. You have had great advice, keep your mind on your work, ignore her silly antics and focus on other friendships. (I'm sure no-one else is being taken in by this loud act anyway).

You are bothered because you are angry with yourself.

You are a kind person and she's used and abused your good nature.

Learn from this.

As for the loud 'funny girl' act - WHAT A TOOL! Don't worry, other people will get her number if they haven't already.

x

I knew this was the right place to ask!

It seems like most of the others know what she is like and keep their distance. I have been told not to tell her anything secret.

I am angry with myself. I feel like such an idiot!

Did she pay the money back when you did lend it?

She did but about 3 months later than it should be. I felt really awkward as I had to keep reminding her.

Plus when she "asked" she automatically assumed that I would just hand over the money.

The amounts she asked for kept going up. There was always something urgent she needed it for. It started off from £100.

OP, did you post about this woman before? I remember someone posting about a woman at work who would virtually demand loans. I remember something about lunchtime - does anyone else remember?