Is this a normal phase of married life....

[NotInTheMood]

I am 30 something and have young children under 10 I have been with my dh for nearly 12 years married for 7. I have been a sahm for 7 years whilst dh job took him away to work. He's since been based at home and I've been able to start a part time course. The thing is I am bored, bored, bored. Its the same conversations, the same routine, its like living in ground hog day. We do go out and spend some time together not lots but some or have takeaways in etc and watch a movie. We go out with other couples which I feel helps a lot as it brings new conversations and things. My sex drive is not particurlarly high but we do try at least 1 or 2 times a week although it does feel like an effort as both tired.

I do not lust after him any more but I do love him but maybe more like a friend??? I do not know. Since he has been home I find his habbit's more irritating. I feel like I have a 3rd child to run around after. I am tired of the house work, cooking, cleaning and just the role of the mother/wife. I do love spending time with my children though. I feel like these should be my best years but they are so so hard. We are tired, both working, have little child care. We do not have the freedom and money to do things we would like such as a holiday. It is so frustrating.

It sounds like you really need a change of scene. I do too!

i completely understand and in my opinions it's normal; it's comfortable but it's not exciting and that makes you question things ...

it's how you react to it that dictates what happens next.

in my opinion you should have a long hard think about what you really want and truely value before taking any action or asking for help about it here. it sounds to me like you're confused and don't know what you want at the moment (?)

Posted too soon.

We have the same problem with lack childcare and money. Im trying to prioritize differently so that we spend less on takeaways etc and so can afford a babysitter.

Perhaps try to do something you haven't done for ages like go see a band etc.

Alll long-term relationships need attention or they can easily get stale. Long-term relationships where everyone's tired, running around after children and working all the hours need even more attention. If it's just you feeling this way it could be a problem because it's tough to fix things unilaterally. If you both feel the same way then that's actually easier. You can both take steps to recognise that you're in a rut and both come up with ideas to get yourself out of it.

I think an awful lot needs no deeper explanation than sheer tiredness. It sounds like you're doing the lion's (or should I say the lioness's) share of the child care and the housework.

Maybe as your DH is based at home he could take more of a share in these?

If you can discuss it together with goodwill and give and take on both sides you can address it.

I imagine too that as your kids get older, more independent, and easier to reason with things might get better anyway.

Thanks guys. I just feel at times we cannot be in the same room. I am just not getting anything from this relationship its like every thing he does irritates me and I do not know why and its even worse when I have PMT. He just acts like a child. He cannot make a decision, he is untidy, disorganised, forgetful so so forgetful, he does not listen to my advice and I often end up being right. He is always on his stupid xbox. Its like having another child!!!

God, I feel just the same. It's really getting me down tonight. I know I should appreciate him because he is a good husband and father in lots of ways but he just drives me mad with his procrastinating and disorganisation. It IS like having another child and I genuinely think, too often, that it would actually all be a whole lot easier without him. Which it wouldn't I know, but that's how I feel. So I hope it's normal! But I also think I need to do something about it. I just haven't got a clue what...

I experienced very similar to what you are describing approx 4 years ago.

DH and I had been together around 8 years, married for two with DD1 aged 3 yrs.

The spark had gone, at least for me it had, we didn't "do" anything together and I totally understand the groundhog day analogy.....

And I did the unthinkable I thought the grass was greener, with his friend of all people

We separated, the grass was definitely not greener, DD was very unhappy

After 9 weeks apart we reconciled, that was just over 4 years ago, and every day of the last 4 years has been bloody hard, until we went to relate at the back end of last year.

In the last 4 years I gave him two more children, the most recent only last week! But every step of the way it's been hard . I realise now though that I love him more than life itself, and though the spark isn't burning madly like in the first flush of lust, it IS still there, we just have to make more of an effort to keep it burning x

i think people sometimes expect it to be fireworks and excitement all the time, but real life isn't a movie - you have to get on with the daily grind, work eat sleep 5 days a week usually, in order to get to the weekend and you know... relax.

relax can mean different things to different people. it can be visiting the family. finally having time to do the big shop. it can be going for a meal. it can be doling the garden. it can be literally plonking yourself in front of the tv all day... i think this is where people get frustrated...

it's perfectly normal for an established relationship to get bored of the cycle. you need to mix things up, and ensure that both of you enjoy your spare time effectively - seperately and together

It seems that he has been used to living on his own, with little family responsibilities.
You can't make him less forgetful as such, but you can insist on strategies for him to remind things.

Men do need quiet/away time, which explains the xbox, but that can only make him more tired. Could you both agree on how much time he spends on it and when he is on it?

How about housework? Do you have a routine where you both contribute, even if one has less time?
Do you share children duties at all?

What can happen if he continues to be this child? Because he may need to know where it's heading.

my advice would be to remember what got the two of you together and that this is normal. Kids are hard, relationships can become mundane. I jumped ship with my lovely ex as things were dull. I ended up in a really bad relationship, with kids, and am trying to get out now.
One day, your children will grown up with their own lives..in that time, your partner being your best friend will be crucial. I made the huge mistake of thinking that excitement was what I loved...it is not good once you have chosen a family...stick with it..be creative about time you can have together, try babysitting deals with mates (you scratch my back i'll scratch yours), good luck and this will pass x

I know the feeling! We started going out at 18/19 (22 years ago) and have been married for 17.5 years with 3 kids 12,10, 8.

We're big fans of radio 4 comedy so last year decided to start seeing some of these guys live. Midweek it's £5 to £10 for a comedy club ticket and not much more at the weekend.

It's really made a difference to us - we were getting just a leeeeeetle stale. And cos the kind of thing we both like tends to be political comedy, it's actually made us interact more on an jntenllectusl level as well, talking about the issues!!

I'd say find something you both like and relax into it !!

Oh yes, I think this is normal.

However, it's not very nice. I also find the daily grind of housework and cooking absolutely awful (as well as working) and so try to do as little of it as humanely possible, and spend my time on working/talking with friends/jogging anything rather than bloody cleaning. Internet shops work for me, as does having a very low standard which I accept as the payoff for hating housework.

You sound a bit bored with your own life, tbh and focusing this on your husband. What job do you do? Would you like to change it?Is there a hobby you'd love to do (I know someone whose just bought a horse and she just loves going up there every day to muck out!) Do you want to call your old friends more on the phone? I think relationships tend to have more spark when you have your own interesting life to share.

Is he on the X-box instead of talking? Book a night out so he can't go on it, even if it is just to the pub for a couple of hours. Go to the cinema so you have something to talk about. Or just pull out the plug (I just shut my husband's laptop) if he hasn't communicated since dinner, not ok to be constantly unavailable.

What's your course? (if it won't out you)

It sounds like you are fed up with the drudgery of family life more than he is boring (one person isn't going to constantly entertain you, that's for sure). It won't be like this forever, the children will leave home, and in the meantime, try to get less drudgery and more enjoyment out of life just through little changes (e.g. going out with children on the weekend to the park and having fun)

I think its normal (or least I hope it is) because I think most married couples have been there at some point especially with young children.

We've been together 13 years, married for 9 and have 3 young children. He is child number 4 most days. He is absolutely brilliant as a father (mainly I think because he has the same emotional age as the children) but we definitely have days where the husband/wife relationship takes a back seat and / or its all too much effort. Those days when he leaves the cupbaord door open for the 15th time, or sniffs in a particular way, or holds his knife in the wrong hand, it drives me insane. He never listens / always forgets, so I feel like a nag.

We are also continuously skint and have no family locally so its not as easy as booking a babysitter and heading out.

Did a couple of things that worked - a few mums from school set up a babysitting circle - we each babysit for one another and "earn" points, when one of the mums sits for me I "spend" points. Means we can go out without the additional expense of a sitter.

The other thing that worked for me was identifying when I find him most attractive - that sounds weird, but I like him socialising with other people / his friends (he's very social and good fun) so it was making sure that we organised nights out with friends etc, had people round for dinner. In those circumstances, it reminds me why I love him. It was also about doing things separately that we enjoy - and having things to look forward to - booking a cheapie family weekend away or asking grandparents to have the children overnight once in a while.

Good luck!