I have no money- how can I leave?

[Skedaddled]

I've been with DH for ten years married for two with two beautiful daughters. Since Dd2 was born 2 years ago things have been awful at home. Materially life looks great, husband works hard, have a big house, 2 cars etc. But, emotionally things are awful. DH speaks to me and children with such disrespect I have had enough, tells Dd1 age 4 to STFU when she being lively, has nothing practically to do with the children, when he is on the house he pretty much ignores us and stares at his phone or laptop, only time he does interact is to tell DDs off for typical child behaviour or noise.

Point is I want to leave with DDs. Told DH who said "I won't let you- where are you going to go you don't have any money" and he is right. I am a SAHM and only have Child Benefit coming in which often needs to go on groceries or clothes.

Don't have any family to go to and my only friend hasn't the room. If I had money I could put down deposit and first months rent on a flat but I have about £50 to my name. Any practical advice on how to leave?

Meant to add there not much equity in marital home and there's no way I could afford mortgage so only option is me moving elsewhere but I feel so stuck and clueless since I'm financially dependant on DH having given up work when had DD1.

You could get a job. You could see a solicitor. You could ask your husband to leave. You could go and get benefits advice ready to leave. Sell your car.

Well done for making a stand. Don't let his threats or money worries stop you acting. First, talk to a solicitor about divorce. Half of that big house, cars and so forth belong to you as they are classed as 'marital assets'. He is responsible for maintaining his children and also yourself if you've given up work to care for them. Second practical tip is to contact your local Women's Aid or Women's Refuge. They are very good at advising women in your situation... you don't have to have been physically abused for them to help. Another option is your Local Authority as they may have some emergency housing they can offer. In the meantime, get as much money as you can around you and put it in your private account with the CB. Good luck

Thanks for replies, have looked on Entitledto website and realise would be ok with benefits until I can find work, it's the actually finding somewhere to stay without a deposit that I am finding hard. I have told husband I want to leave and asked for money for deposit and months rent and he just refused to give me any of his money. He always says its his money as he is one working I hate it, belittles me when I ask fir money to buy DDs shoes etc. Will see if can speak to council about housing. The atmosphere here is just awful. And try find solicitor who does LegalAid they seem to be rare though.

What a bully! I can see why you would want to leave him. Follow Cogito's advice and the sooner you leave him the better.

Stay strong!

It's known as 'financial abuse'... hogging the cash and using it as a means to control, belittle and dominate the other person in the relationship. That's why the Women's refuge organisations are useful because identifying it as abuse means that options open up to you that may not be there otherwise. As for solicitor's costs, when you win the case the costs should be borne by the other party. You may find one that will take you on pro bono and get their fee from your ex.

I don't know where you are but in some areas there are rent deposit schemes where the local council or HA may lend you the deposit and you pay it back gradually out of your wages or benefits. Your local CAB might be able to put you in touch with someone who knows what's available in your area.

Haberdashery I've heard of this too, they do it in my area.

He is emotionally and financially abusing you and the children. You definitely need to leave. I'd contact womens aid for some advice - no doubt they have seen lots of women in the same situation. If thiings are really bad you might be able to go to a refuge until a house comes up - if oyou are "homeless" you will find the council more willing to help. You could also apply for a crisis loan through the benefits office in order to raise enough to put down a deposit. It varies from area to area, its worth asking.

Definitely see a solicitor. He shouldn't be keeping money away from you, you're not a child, you're supposed to be his partner. I feel angry for you. My dh and I share everything financially - I am a sahm but we have a joint account with joint access. I know more about our money than he does. My ex dh was horrible with money - when dd was 6 months old he once spent £200 on fruit machines in a month and then said he had no money for his share of the rent. I was left using credit cards to survive - built up about a thousand pounds worth of debt before I left him 6 months later. I'd never be with anyone who wouldn't share money again.

Just a thought - do you have access to 0% credit cards? Could put a depoit on there and pay back slowly maybe?

I am in the same position and with help from WA Ive been able to source a house and am moving in the next couple of weeks, I was helped by the housing options team of my local council and they are paying my deposit on a new home and assisting my application for LHA. I applied for a crisis loan on Tuesday and was granted it over the phone and had the money in my hand within 2 hours. everything is set and hopefully soon me and my three youngest children will be moving, it can be done

Hi there love.

I just wanted to say that my local council (Brent) does the landlord deposit scheme too. Just in case you are in that area.

No practical advice to offer (but other good stuff here). I am shocked actually, your H is basically keeping you prisoner by controlling the money .

If there's not much equity, your H will also lose out, so his arrogance has not benefited him ultimately. And you I assume will eventually gain other proper financial support you are entitled to from him, without even having to ask, through CSA etc.

I don't have much to add to the advice already given but there are services out there.
Keep strong. Look after yourself and the children. Take care, x

OP, how would your husband manage to earn a living if you weren't a SAHM?

See? It's not his money, it's both of yours.

Of course this argument will not sway him, but it should give you a bit of extra self-belief, I hope.