I want a baby, he doesn't. What to do?

[incompletefamily]

DH and I have both been married before and both have DC from those marriages. He was devastated when his ex left him and took the DC and for that reason it took him a long time to commit to our relationship at all, let alone have the DC we have together, who is under a year old. Prior to having our DC, we lost a baby at late term, which was obviously very hard for both of us, but DH is the type of person who doesn't talk about thing and doesn't talk about his feelings much.

So, I would like another DC and DH says he does not. He has known since I was pregnant with our DC that I wanted another baby afterwards, preferably as close as possible but we never really discussed it. He point blank refuses to discuss the issue which I find both infuriating and upsetting.

Neither of us are getting any younger and I have had pregnancy complications which are only going to get worse with age. Plus, my own Mum went through early menopause, which means I may do too and may not mean that many years left to concieve, so I do feel a bit of pressure not to wait. I would also like to eventually be able to follow a new career path which would mean starting my career late (I cannot do this now due to DH's job) and I do not want to have a career break later on to have another DC then even if I can.

I can't help but feel DH is being a bit selfish. I also think his refusal to have another child are mainly based on the risk of another loss, which is not likely with medication I am on in pregnancy. I gave up my own business and moved away from my family when we got married so he could follow his chosen career. I constantly make compromises to enable him to follow his career and do his job, but I can't remember one single compromise he has made.

i just don't know what to do from here. Counselling isn't really an option as we have no childcare on a regular basis. (due to his job!!!!)

I think you may have a point Mumsy, in that he may think I want another child more than I want him. That's definitely not the case, but I do want a husband who is prepared to discuss things with me properly. I also think you are right in that he may not want to rule it out forever, although for him there may never be a right time, which is one of the reasons I feel it does need to be discussed now, because I do want a different career in the future and having another child later on doesn't really fit in with that, so it may be that if we don't have a child now then it means we never do.

I don't expect or want to just make him agree with me and have another baby, but I do at least want there to be a discussion of some sort about it.

I think his insecurity regarding me leaving him and taking the DC is based on his ex wife and their split. He was very, very much in love with her when she left him and she didn't do it in a nice way. He was utterly heartbroken and because of his job it meant he couldn't see the DC as much as he wanted to, plus she made it very difficult for him to see them anyway. He also percieves that she 'took' his house and his money. He has said a few times that if I leave him I'll take all I can get/all his money etc and there's no way that's based on what I am like or my past behaviour. I am not materialistic at all.

I agree that it is important that you two can talk about this issue.

He does sound like he's quite absorbed in his own needs, though...perhaps even still rather bitter about his ex? I don't like the sound of that in terms of what he's transferring onto you. 'You'll take everything I've got' etc. not nice especially if you're not like that.

And saying 'it'll be done then' is a totally passive aggressive response to a genuine question about accidental pregnancy - something I think all couples ought to discuss the possibility of in advance, anyway.

He's being awful. You want to know, you have a right to know what page he is on with this and he's prevaricating at every turn. He knows you're frustrated and need to know but he's refusing to talk and that's called, I think, stonewalling...it's a form of abuse if you want to put it in that light.

I don't want to get it out of proportion here but I do think you have a right to know if he would accept an accidental pregnancy or not. I have had two pregnancies where my partner did not want a child, and both times even though the possibility had been discussed, it went really badly, and I mean being shouted at, sulked at, blamed entirely and eventually, left.

I'm now pregnant by a partner who is desperately happy for us to have a child and the difference is just so huge. I am fearful for you that you might get pg in this manner, like you're doing at the moment, and be subjected to a sulking git of a husband who makes you really unhappy.

So please be careful...you might get your baby but he might use it against you, which would be wrong, of course, but by then it's too late.

Crest my friend recently 'tricked' her husband into getting pregnant a third time. i say tricked, because she wanted one, she knew he didn't, but they continued to have unprotected anyway. (yeah it's his own stupid fault, but i don't know the ins and outs of their relationship so I don't want to comment on that)

How on earth did she trick him if he was chosing to have unprotected sex with her? Why is it the woman fault?

You can't force him to have another child.
He is also clearly against it and he has never tried to make you think otherwise.

I think it is normal for you to expect a discussion about it but I am wondering if he is not wanting to 'discuss' because he knows you will try to convince him to do something he doesn't want to. And he wants to avoid another confrontations.

I believe in this case that respect must come from both sides. For him to respect your wish to have a child and for you to respect his wish not to have a child.

My experience (I have been in a similar situation!), is that it means you don't have a child but he is allowing you to grieve for the child you long for but will never have.
I am not saying it's easy but spending months and months going over it and trying to discuss will lead to resentment, just as if you would were getting pg and had 'forced his hand'.

If it was your first child, I would have said that perhaps you need to reconsider the whole relationship as it is not giving you what you want/need. But you already have one dc with this man and other children from another relationship. So perhaps this is not the best choice for you.

He also percieves that she 'took' his house and his money. He has said a few times that if I leave him I'll take all I can get/all his money etc

But that's just what happens when people divorce. They don't both get to keep the house. I doubt she got anymore then she was entitled to unless he thinks she physically stole it or lied about finances! I find that a bit alarming actually.

What's he like generally about money etc?

I also wonder if his ex left him because she was so fed up of him not discussing anything with her!

I agree that you have a right to know how he feels about this and have the discussion. Also with the stonewalling thing that someone else said.

You must be so frustrated with this mans refusal to talk.

I didn't get the feeling that he doesn't want to discuss. I got the feeling the issue of having dcs has been discussed for a long time. He has explained why he doesn't want children. Whether these are 'good enough' reasons are not the issue. These are his reasons and should be respected.

I think that when two people disagree over whether or not to have a child, the wishes of the person who doesn't want the child should prevail.

I don't think this an area where you can impose a compromise. Either you have another child, or you don't. And if he doesn't, you shouldn't force the issue.

What's the point in having a discussion if he has already made up his mind, and told you? He says he wants to focus on his new daughter - fair enough! You only want to discuss so that you can impose your own wishes.

A better tactic would be to play the long game. He only has to change his mind once (as he has done before) and you can get on with it.

I don't think you sound like you have a strong marriage.

I think that might be your problem here rather than the baby issue.

right ... i know a lot of people are picking on the 'tricked' word there, I'll admit it wasn't the best choice of word : but, again, as with any problem we only get to see a bit of the picture; there are obviously things that go on behind closed doors, so we can't ever truely know exactly what's happened or been done or said:

but in my example; she wanted a baby and he did not. they continued to have unprotected sex (as far as i have been told) and she fell pregnant. he told her again he was not supportive of the decision to have another child. she brought the baby to term. he is now feeling trapped and angry, and she is feeling unsupported and desperately unhappy.

at the core of it : he was having sex as part of a normal relationship. she was having sex with the specific goal to get pregnant.... that's got to be wrong.

yes we all know that unprotected sex leads to babies, but i wonder if there was anything else going on there. much like this poster, i can't find it now looking above - but i'm sure the OP said something like they have unprotected sex and 'if it happens it happens' - or something to that effect.

i just wanted to say i know a couple this happened to. treat my post as a cautionary tale, dont get bogged down in semantics.

but in my example; she wanted a baby and he did not. they continued to have unprotected sex (as far as i have been told) and she fell pregnant. he told her again he was not supportive of the decision to have another child. she brought the baby to term. he is now feeling trapped and angry, and she is feeling unsupported and desperately unhappy.

What!? Sometimes a persons actions speak louder then words, and having unprotected sex is one hell of an action! He has absolutely no right to feel angry and trapped! Do you actually think he does? No one trapped him here, he just failed to take responsibility for contraception! From the way its worded, "she brought the pregnancy to term", it sounds like he thought she should have an abortion (sounds like you think that too), but why should she when she wanted the child, had made that clear and he had chosen to have unprotected sex with her anyway!?

The mans an idiot! She is obviously not that smart either but you can't blame her for giving birth to a child she wanted which they both knowingly created. She probably should have realised he wasn't going to come round to the idea, but like i said actions speak louder then words.

He sounds like one of those blokes you see on jk who say "er yeah well we had sex and didn't use a condom and then she said she was pregnant!" (complete with moron face), then Jeremy lays into them and the bloke says its not his baby and demands a dna test and then it turns out he's been having unprotected sex all over town, fathering kids left right and centre and saying they all tried to trap (cos he's such a catch!) and taking no responsibility for it!

You might be able to tell that you little tale has pissed me off!

crestico I understand the point you are making, and it is certainly valid. Whatever you think of a bloke who continues to have unprotected sex while not wanting another child, it's a disaster in the making for that family when they do have that kid.

I think it is not an unusual situation where a couple has unprotected sex. One doesn't want a child but refuses the responsibility for using contraception (classic case is the man who refuses to use condoms) and the other wants a baby, says so and is hoping for the best.

The problem is that, if the woman actually gets pregnant, it also usually means the end of the relationship.
The man is expecting his wife to have abortion. She would never do that because that baby was the one thing she was hoping for.

Accepting to go along with her partner, the woman is actually taking the concious decision to bring to the world a child that she will probably bring up on her own, as it is clear the partner isn't going to take responsibility.