Why is my friend like this?

[Peggotty]

I'm friends with a woman that I met when out now yr2 dc started reception together. I think initially we gelled because we are both quite quiet introvert types as are our dc's. It took a while for her to seem quite 'open' in our friendship iykwim whereas I'm naturally quite an open person despite being quiet etc. I know she is a very private person. Her dh works long hours and she has no family locally (like me). I regularly have her and her dc round for coffee/staying for tea etc yet have only been invited to her house around 4 or 5 times in the 3 years I've known her (perfectly nice, tidy house so she's not embarassed by it or anything). When it was her birthday, I got her a bottle of wine, took her out to lunch etc but when it was mine I didn't even get a card, although she claimed she'd got one and kept forgetting to drop it off.

I can't quite fathom out why she seems so reluctant to reciprocate invites. I KNOW you shouldn't invite just to get reciprocal invites and I genuinely don't but I would consider her a good friend and would have expected a few more invites by now. We do get on very well. I go through phases of being peed off with this business and then swing to trying to rise above it. As far as I can tell she doesn't seem to have many other friends so it's not as though I am just down at the bottom of a long list of friends and she just doesnt have time to fit me in etc. I can only conclude she either just doesn't see our friendship the same way as I do or she has some kind of issue with having people at her house. I'm not the type to just blatantly ask why I/we don't get invited to her house. God it all looks a bit petty on my part but I can't help being bothered and a bit hurt by it!

OP, what do you get out of this friendship? It seems like a one way street.

But it doesn't feel like a one way street most of the time. We get on well, although she's still not completely emotionally open, I would say, but I think it's just the way she is.

I understand your situation.

I think your friend is rude and ill mannered not to invite you to hers more often. Even if she did have a genuine reason for not inviting you, then she should make an effort in other ways. She sounds like a 'user' to me :(

If you were to stop making the effort with her I suspect that your friendship would cease.

Can you tell her how you feel? Or at least just ask for the concrete outcome you would like. Could you try: "Hey, Friend, I'd like us to hang out at your place more often."

One possibility for her behaviour could be low self-esteem ("Nobody could possibly want to hang out at my house/consider me a friend"), and your actively telling her that you would like more from her could actually unlock something she would in fact love to give. This is just one of many possible conjectures, though.

She doesn't seem like a 'user' somehow though . She is a nice person. I don't know if it's just that she sees her home as a completely private space? I know she hates 'playdates' etc and having other children over and she's a complete stresshead so maybe its that. Or maybe I'm just making excuses, I don't know

Well OP, she is what she is so you either accept that as part of her and enjoy the rest or let the friendship fizzle out.

Oh by the way, one of my close friends doesn't like people round hers etc. is a bit of a selfish cow but she's one of the funniest people I know and admits to being the way she is. I love her to death, failings an all.

That might well be the crux of it MissH. And like I said I do generally rise above it. Just having a phase of 'why'? atm though! Of the few times I've been at her house, about 2 of them I invited myself virtually (in a nice way obv!). But really dont want to force my way into an invitation as it's totally not my style!

Some people are less gregarious than others. Sounds like she's just a "home bird" really, who doesn't seem to need as much socialising (at her house) as you do.

You either have to accept it, or make a fun comment about "how about your place next week?" (see how she reacts), or realise that maybe it is just a one-way street in your friendship, in which case I would withdraw myself somewhat if it were me. (why expend the energy if it's not reciprocal).

Ah, sorry, see you've already been there, done that "how about yours?"...

Not everyone loves having people over, I don't, I'd rather go for a coffee somewhere so I don't have to tidy up (of course when you went over her house looked tidy, she probably spent 3 hours tidying it beforehand!)

I might also find a bottle of wine and a lunch, just for a school gate friendship, a bit much, just a card (ok, forgotten) is fine. She sounds like she wants to be friends, but your friendship is perhaps a tad over enthusiastic for her.

With friends, you don't want to change them, just decide if you can enjoy what's on offer or move on and stop asking her round. But it sounds like more friends, and a little less intensity, might make the situation easier for her anyway, and it's nice to keep good friends you connect with, so personally I would keep the friendship at the lighter level she clearly prefers.

My BF would rather come to me than ask me round to hers. I've been in her house loads of times over the years, she just prefers to get "out of the house" as she is a carer.

I love her dearly so it's not an issue, she lived here for a while so she knows where the kettle is and makes the coffee.

i could be your friend TBH.

I have a really good friend really my best friend and when i have known she was coming i will go to town cleaning and tidying the house and she always says how lovely it is. or on the off chance i have a clean house (rare) i will invite her over. but the rest of the time my house is embarassing and i jsut couldn't face her seeing it like that. i try to keep on top of it bt tbh tehre is rarely a time where i would feel totally comfortabe with her seeing it. she says i worry too much and that her's is no showhome but i know mine is very untidy and she would be shocked to see it so i dont have her over.

Mumsyblouse, I really am not after an 'intense' friendship just one on more of an equal footing. I believe it's a bit more than just a 'school-gate friendship', I would just call us friends. I happened to meet her through school. I have completely scaled back the invites to my house tbh and only see her outside of school perhaps once a week anyway. I'm not a desperate, intense friendship seeker, honestly .

I do think it's just partly she hates having any people into her house and partly a habit we've fallen into, especially since my house is only round the corner from the school and therefore easier to just drop into probably.

Although I have a good relationship with colleagues and we do occasionally socialise I keep my home life is separate to that. The exception is one who lives 20 mins from me and gave me lifts when my leg was injured, we also occasionally car share, shifts willing. He comes in for a drink before or after work sometimes.

She sounds a bit like me, TBH. In the past I've had horrible social anxiety and I still have to talk myself up before venturing into social situations. I find it a lot easier if I'm on what feels like neutral ground - so preferably out somewhere, or at someone's house if they genuinely seem happy to have me there. Inviting people into my safe space is a whole other kettle of fish, and though I do try to when I can, it's just so much harder for me. Add that to the fact that my house is usually messy - I tidy up for people, so for all they know it's like that all the time, but I'm not usually on top of it enough to just spontaneously invite people over.

FWIW, for me it has nothing whatsoever to do with not liking people or not wanting to pursue friendships. In fact I can see myself putting people at a distance when I really don't want to, and I get cross with myself for doing it, but it's not so easy to just get a grip on myself and stop.

Tbh if it is some kind of issue with privacy I wish she felt able to just tell me or even say 'look I know I don't invite you over much but I hate having people round, don't take it personally'. I think of myself as really quite an understanding person and she's told me she sees a counsellor regularly so she's not averse to telling me things she wouldn't tell just anyone. But obv I can't force her (if she's even realised!).

"for me it has nothing whatsoever to do with not liking people or not wanting to pursue friendships. In fact I can see myself putting people at a distance when I really don't want to, and I get cross with myself for doing it, but it's not so easy to just get a grip on myself and stop. "

same here tiny.

Been there too tiny - i used to get really worried about how long afriendship would last and whether it was worth investing in, and i genuinely believed that no-one wanted to be friends with me to the extent that i'd turn down invitations and not even dream of inviting people over.

Now i just don't worry about whether it will be a long term friendship or not, it doesn't matter we should just enjoy the now. And i do invite people over, when the house is tidy too . I don't know how the sea change occurred but it did and i'm much the happier for it.

She might not really be aware how much it affects you, or she could just be kidding herself that you won't mind because who'd want to come to her house anyway. It took me ages to realise that just because I felt like some kind of insignificant worm, it didn't mean other people saw it that way - they genuinely did want my approval and reciprocation, and were hurt by my distance. I think my biggest breakthrough came the day it dawned me that being shy and retiring didn't make me sweet and nice, it actually made me act like a bit of a knob.

I can maybe understand where your friend is coming from - I don't particularly like having people over - partly because my home is my sanctuary from the world, partly because I don't like to clear up all the mess afterwards, partly because we live a bit out of the way (and my friends are more central). I feel a tiny bit embarrassed about that, but I probably wouldn't say anything, it would feel like making a big deal about it. Is it very important to you that you go round to hers?

I might be more bothered about the birthday card/present though., but maybe she's got other things on her mind or just doesn't make much of birthdays for friends?

Some people are just like that.

We have a couple who we have known for 20 years, pre kids, he was Best man at our wedding, I am godmother to their son.

After years of it being constantly one way, us inviting them over, us making contact, us suggesting days out, us us us, and never getting anything like that back in return we have given up. We don't see them anymore. Which is sad because we shared alot over the years.

I guess I was thinking why does this bother you? She likes you, comes over when you suggest this, is comfy in your home and a nice friend. I don't think everything has to be 'equal', some people are happy to be friends but aren't the type to intiate invitations, or call all the time, or buy bottles of wine for birthdays. I'm the type to always ask, but if I cut off everyone who didn't call me for a while, I'd have no friends left, as they have busy lives. Some also hate using the phone/asking people round as they fear rejection or are a bit shy.

I think it's ok to be the more proactive one in some friendships, if they never reciprocated, or made excuses, I would take the hint, but if people always seem delighted to be asked, and happy to continue the friendship, I would be happy with that.

I'm very much like your friend, OP.

I have always had a very strong sense of personal space in a face to face situation - find hugs, etc quite uncomfortable :o - and to some extent, the same goes for my house. Its also part of 'my space'. In the same vein, I would never think to go into someone else's space unless invited to.

When I sit and think about it, I'm aware that there's a huge 'inequality' in the amount of time I spend at friends' houses and the amount of time they spend at mine! However, no one's ever told me that they see this as a negative thing - in fact, we openly joke about it! - because my friends know that I'm always there for them, and would drop everything and go to them if they needed it.

For me, its not a conscious, deliberate choice not to 'let' people into my home. Its just how I am. :o