Relationship on brink?

[jaffacakesaddict]

Apologies, this is long!

DH and I have been married for 11 years, I was very young when got married (18) and he is 10 years older. Things have been slowly declining for about the last 7 years, just before I fell pregnant with DD. We are not affectionate at all, rarely have sex, mostly sleep separately. However, we get on well enough in a friendship type way and he is a great dad so I guess we've just plodded along. Until now.

He told me last night that feels that he had to sacrifice too much in order to be with me and has been feeling miserable and resentful about it for 10 years! I have to admit that I was difficult at times when we first got together but I never asked him to give anything up and never issued any ultimatums. I was only 17 when we first moved in together and I had to move a long way from home to be with him, I didn't know anyone else and felt quite lonely. Ordinarily I don't think it's particularly helpful to dredge up everything from the past, but seeing as he's still feeling so cross about it I don't have much choice!

He told me last night that he hadn't wanted to get married when we did and that he only did it to settle me, in the hope that it would calm our volatile relationship down. That really hurts! I married him in good faith, loving him and thinking it was mutual! It's no wonder things have gone so pear-shaped if he wasn't even sure about us when we got married :(

He wants to reclaim some of his 'lost potential' which I think could jeopardize his career. I am a stay at home mum, studying part-time so his is the only income. We have big financial obligations so we can't afford for him to lose his job. I keep asking him to keep his dreams as a hobby and concentrate on his job when at work, but apparently this is me further stifling him and over-worrying.

I feel like I am in the middle of a nightmare! If it wasn't for DCs we wouldn't still be together, we've both admitted as much. Things are not bad enough to leave but after last night's chat I feel like a part of my soul has been ripped out! I really don't want to make him miserable but I feel like he's being so immature.

Well done if you've made it this far!

How will reclaiming some of his 'lost potential' jeopardise his career? Is his job under threat because of his inattention to it?

If you only have one dc and she's in school, can you not work part or full-time to make up any shortfall if he attempts to make his dreams a reality?

He is not working when he should be and I am afraid his inattention will catch up with him. We have another DC who is not at school yet and my earning potential is vastly less than DH's.

It's clear the relationship has broken down but there has to be a better way to acknowledge that than to cast blame around the way he is doing. You've both made various choices. No-one was holding a gun to anyone's head. It hasn't worked out. What good does it do anyone getting angry and pointing fingers?

Firstly, I don't buy that 'hadn't wanted to get married when we did and that he only did it to settle me, in the hope that it would calm our volatile relationship down' line.

Really? That is what he's telling you? I really don't know many men say they volunteered to marry a woman solely because they hoped it would 'tame her' and then proceeded to stay with her for 11+years purely out of a sense of duty. He would have to be a man with absolutely no pride and no courage whatsoever to do that. When a man really believes your Mrs Wrong he won't ask to put a ring on your finger and then stay faithful and married to you.

Truth is he is probably resentful about the way life and the marriage has turned out and has decided in hindsight that were it not for his family obligations, and had he made a different choice life would be sooo much better now. Which is all in his head.

I don't think the marriage necessarily has to be over. From your post the marriage has been allowed by the both of you to go south for some time, so it's not suprising that there is resentment, and passive aggressiveness going on.

It doesn't seem from your post that you want the marriage to be over yet. You need to change tack quickly in terms of your responses to your husband and your marriage if you have any hope of changing it though. Some things are obviously not working. Think about what you can change, before looking to him to change. That may seem unfair but every reaction sparks another reaction.

With regards to the job: If he wants to change his job, let him. I know it's hard but trust him and wait and see what happens. Give him room to make choices about his life still. It obviously means a lot to him.

I think.

1. You might have wanted to say some of the same sorts of things as he has said, but he's said them first, about himself, and now you have lost sight of the fact that you actually felt the same sort of way about your own life..... It must hurt that he said them first. Let that shock wear off and then see how you feel.

2. I would very definitely have a think about your earning potential, as I have a feeling you might be relying on it sooner rather than later.... Really honestly, gulp it down and have a think. What if you break up??? Financially???

3. After that would be worked out, which it WOULD, fear and tears aside - then what??? What potential for your own life? What new life?

I think these are big things for me to type, and I know how daunting it might seem to think this way. Maybe you and he can decide that you both need a new lease of life? Maybe you ought to get out to work, let him off the hook a bit, get some independence of your own, within your own remit, and both of you get space to grow? Good luck anyway.

I appreciate the replies, thank you. It's comforting to know someone's helping x

I don't know what I want, I'm confused and still hurting from what he said last night. I know he probably said things in the heat of the moment etc. but whether he likes it or not we have two lovely little people to take care of and try to set a good example for. My poor DCs must have such a warped view of marriage, they call the guest room daddy's room!

I need a few days to mull things over, scared I'll make things worse if I attempt to talk him again tonight. For DC's sakes I don't want marriage to end but we have so much baggage I find it hard to see how we can get past it.

I agree totally with Something2say.

You need to talk to your self, then him and really I think counselling would be the most sensible way to go. I would want to bring it up as a suggestion.

At this point he has a fantasy in his head about how things would be if he hadn't married you etc - it would be like xyz if everything worked out 100% right, life isn't like that. It's highly likely his fantasy would never be reality even if you said - go now, live your dream and let me know how that all turns out.

You may not have a choice about saving your marriage but if you feel you love him and have the right reasons to go for it I really think doing so with couples and separate counselling would be beneficial. It's not fair to say one will stay married for the children - 2 adults are miserable, all children are subjected to living mired in those complexities and with a rubbish experience of what it is to be married and how you treat a spouse/partner.

Staying married because of the status quo is so much easier to deal with than the scary as all get out things you would have to otherwise deal with and the associated discomfiture...is...well, what you just described.

The only thing I don't understand (which is why my answer is dependant on this) is why do you want to save this marriage? I don't really get it. Putting aside lashing out you''ve said neither is in love, happy, no affection or partnership, or common ground bar DCs. I'm slightly struggling to discern your motivation? I'm sorry

You've had a virtually sexless marriage for 7 years and he's now re-writing history about why he ever married you.

You know the next question don't you?

Is he glued to his phone and laptop?

How did you meet if you were 17 and he was 27? Did he leave a relationship to be with you?