Have name changed for this.
I have been doing a lot of reading on here lately, mostly about EA but I still feel I need to get out what is in my head iyswim.
I split up with my P of 12 years around 18 months ago. It happened very quickly following a lot of unreasonable behaviour from him, but it came out of the blue for which I still feel very guilty.
We met when I was 16 and he was 24, had our first dc when I was 19. He is all I know. He was always one of those 'treat em mean keep em keen' types, which I suppose was part of the attraction for me back then.
To cut a very long story short he was basically never there for me or the dc. He ran his own business which was the priority over everything. He would stay out late drinking and often expect sex when he came home and would get moody with me if he didn't get it.
He was always a heavy cannabis smoker, often used to promise me he'd give up but never happened.
He did very little around the house, with the dc, all finances were left to me to sort out.
I became a very emotional person, the slightest thing would upset me. I can remember going to bed a lot on my own and cry myself to sleep. He would quite often ignore me when I was upset. When I tried to talk to him he was very reluctant to listen or even look up from the tv. Our 'chats' would result in either him telling me to F off if I could find something better or making promises that never happened.
He would ignore me when I was ill, even after having to go into hospital. And there was always pressure to have sex.
I was also accused of cheating.
One night he asked me if I was happy and when I said no he basically told me to pack his bags, tell the kids and he'd go. I think it was a test or he was bluffing, but looking back I was at the end of my wits and I did it. Initially it was to be some time apart, but I have never felt like I want him to move back in.
But here's the thing I don't understand about myself, he still very much wants to get back together and I have half heartedly said I will try. I did tell him back in November that it was finally over to which replied he wouldn't give up and I suppose I have been worn down to trying again. I feel guilty about the way we split up, I feel I maybe should've tried harder and given him the chance to change. I seem to have this irrational fear of making him upset or angry, so I just go along with what he wants. I feel I need some justification for the split. I am pathetic.
I am waffling now because there is so much in my head from the past and from things he has said and done since we split that I can't get it out in words.