Giving him a consequence for not communicating

[doingitdifferently]

I've been having problems in my relationship since I moved in with DP 2 years ago.

Whenever I try to talk about sensitive issues to do with our relationship, he clams up and won't communicate at all. I don't really want to get into specifics for fear of being outed, but they are not huge unworkable issues just things I think we could both discuss and find a solution that suits both of us. He has found several ways to not communicate and they are either telling me that I'm "making a fuss over nothing" or "being ridiculous" or he will find some random thing to pick on me for, therefore changing the conversation from the issue I want to talk about to something completely different or he will literally try and distract me by talking about what the dog is doing or start laughing or commenting about what is on the TV in the background. Occassionally, he will simply refuse to talk about it at all, by saying that he is not willing to change and he has always done (whatever it is we are talking about) and therefore I have to accept it.

Of course, all these situations leave me feeling very frustrated. I just want to sit down and communicate and move the relationship forward. None of the issues are unworkable and I am more than willing to compromise but I don't get him to listen to my side at all.

Things are getting worse and worse and I ended up feeling very very low a few weeks ago and had to go to my doctors to get something to help me sleep and to help the terrible nausea and headaches I was suffering due to the tension, as I am bottling everything up and can't sleep with thinking about it all. I am seriously considering leaving him as I can't see a future with a man who won't communicate with me.

So, I know things have to change one way or the other. We have been on the waiting list for Relate for months and I have started having therapy for myself as I am seriously wondering why I am keeping so quiet and so frightened of upsetting the apple cart.

When he stonewalls me like this, my instant reaction is to shut up because I feel so rejected and then I bottle it all up, it gets to me after a few weeks and I try and broach the subject in a different way, and I get the same reaction or by this time another issue might have reared it's head. In 2 years, I have probably only really tried talking to him like this 5 or 6 times so it's not like I'm constantly at him.

I've tried empathasising (he has family issues that cause us all sorts of problems because he won't address them), I sit with him almost every night agreeing what a terrible situation he is in and allowing him to vent.

I've tried pushing the issue, but he just builds up another couple of layers on the wall and sometimes literally says "I am not talking to you".

I have tried approaching him at different times, either asking him to make time for me or by simply dropping the conversation into another conversation, both ways end up the same.

Within a few minutes, he is back to "normal" and wanting to talk about the day or the weather or some trivia on TV just like nothing has happened.

Invariably I give in and try to get back to normality and try to bury my feelings, but I know this isn't doing me any good.

I'm naturally a very passive person although I can fight my corner when necessary, so it's not as if I am ranting and raving at him. I'm always calm when I initiate the conversation, although inevitably, frustrated by the end.

So, of course, he is getting exactly what he wants - me to shut up and stop making him uncomfortable and for me to carry on listening and chatting about what he wants to discuss and for him to listen to me talking about everyday trivia.

So I am thinking I am giving him what he is asking for, there is no consequence to his actions for him. I am having all the consequences.

So I tried to talk to him last night about an unresolved issue from when I first moved in 2 years ago which he refused to talk about then or the few times I have tried to bring it up since. He told me that I am talking about old stuff, (even though it affected how he behaved last night because he obviously didn't understand the point I was trying to make 2 years ago), because he didn't listen, he told me that I'm not listening to him because he does understand and it's old stuff and he doesn't want to discuss it. Literally 2 mins later, he is talking about the days news as if nothing has happened and wanting a cuddle on the sofa. The old me would have given in and chatted and cuddled him and not wanted to "cause a scene". But I know that hasn't got me anywhere but upsetting myself.

So with all this in mind, am I wrong to now refuse to engage in conversations about trivia until he talks and listens to me about the issue I want to discuss? I feel like it might, just might be a way to make him listen because he won't want an ongoing atmosphere. It's not really my style but sitting down and discussing things obviously isn't something he WANTS to do but in my opinion he needs to do it for the sake of our relationship.

I also want to mention what he is good at in the relationship; he is very thoughtful in lots of ways, does lots of things around the house, washes up everynight, helps with dinner, brings me coffee in bed, helps with kid related stuff, he is very cuddly and affectionate, he has a great sense of humour and we get on well in this way. He is generous and likes to spoil me by taking me out and wining and dining me, we also spend lots of quality time together, he likes shopping too. In some ways I feel he would do anything to help me, it's almost as though, he does all this stuff to "make up" for the fact he can't communicate with me on a deeper level. I suppose I feel bad and guilty for pushing him away but I just don't know what else to do.

I'd put my cards on the table and tell him you either sort it out like adults or it ends. For god sake you're even becoming I'll about what he's doing now. This is not on OP, not on at all. He's emotionally abusing you sweetheart.

Can you get shot of him on a trial basis?

Ill not I'll!

Without knowing what sort of things he doesn't want to talk about, perhaps you just need to accept that he isn't a touchy feely talk through it kind of guy and just let it go. Or wait until you are in front of a therapist and talk about it then with guidance.

It does seem childish to "not talk to him if he wont talk to you". I think if you want to tell him how it makes you feel and put a consequence down, you need to really think about whether you are doing to control or manipulate (which it sounds a little like - sorry), or whether you are doing it because he is crossing your boundaries. I think a consequence should be something else, like you will confront him with his behaviour and tell him how it makes you feel. And if it continues, you will leave the house for a couple of hours to keep yourself safe. Or just inform him what the outcome of the conversation he won't have is, if he won't have an input?

Yes, I do understand that he is a bit of a "blokey" bloke who doesn't connect well to his feelings but does that mean I should just accept that? What if I can't?

If I tell him how his lack of communicating makes me feel, he will just say of course he loves me as he asked me to marry him before I moved in and that should make me feel wanted and loved. .

The conversations are normally about things I would like to be done differently, things that directly affect me and my son. I don't worry about things that don't affect us. So I am asking him to do something differently rather than "what he has always done" before I moved in. I can't change the outcome, only he can. So he doesn't change the way the thing is done or allow me any input but expects me to take the consequences without question. So I not only get a negative consequence of feeling rejected and unheard but I also get the negative consequence of him refusing to compromise on a situation that affects me.

It doesn't sound like he is going to change. It is often difficult enough to change our behaviour when we really want to, and he doesn't want to.

I dealt with a stonewaller, and TBH I gave up and kicked him out, because life is too short to talk to the back of someone's head. It drove me mental trying to get a response.

If you can't accept it, and he either can't or won't change then it's a deal breaker.

Really it depends what it is he won't discuss. Not everyone wants to go over the minutiae of every unspoken nuance. But if it's major things that need to be dealt with, then you have to decide whether you can live with that or not.

I would explain to him how awful it is for you (if he'll listen), then go to relate and discuss it there.

If nothing changes i would end it.

You need to stop game playing.

Straight out - 'It isn't worth it for me, wasting precious time with someone who isn't prepared to communicate like an interesting, emotionally healthy adult. It's boring and sad. Are you interested in dealing with this issue? Because if not, I don't think I want to waste any more of my life feeling frustrated, and I think we should separate.'

I can't imagine why if you have been together for only 2 years and already are looking at going to Relate you don't just move out and find someone new. it would appear from what ou wrote that you'd have the answer that he is not going to change nor does it appear he would be capable of doing so for anything other than a few days.

I've been with him for years. We both have kids, it was a big commitment to move in together. I do want to make it work, but feel he just wants me to have no opinion on things that are important to us as family.

I'm not bringing up silly things, they are significant things that should be decided as a couple such as considering the other person when inviting people round or things like house rules for all the kids.

Sorry, stupid phone. I've been with him for Four years.

I haven't game played at all so far. I've simply expressed my feeling of rejection when he blocks my conversation. I suggested relate because talking isn't working. His answer is "if that's what you want".

I had a relationship like this. It made me ill too and in the end I left. It wasn't a decision I took lightly as we'd been together over a decade and had a child together, but in the end I just couldn't cope with the fact that he stonewalled me every time I needed to talk with him and try and sort problems out.