How can I stop being cowed by abusive ex?

[OhWesternWind]

To cut a long story short, ex was physically and emotionally abusive to me and I later discovered to the children as well. We have now moved down south to get away from him and he has not seen the children for over a year. They are desperate not to see him but he is currently taking me to court to get access.

I have had to write a statement, get children's medical reports, police reports etc which has been very harrowing having to relive it all in great detail. Seeing it all written down has made it feel a lot worse.

One of the hardest things to face is to realise that I am still scared of him and scared of upsetting him. When the documents were filed I felt physically sick as I know that by now he will have seen them and will have had a very angry reaction due to what was in them, all 100% true but he will probably not recognise it as the truth.

I am dreading having to face him in court especially as I know he will be angry with me. He is angry as he thinks I am stopping him from seeing the children out of spite, he denies the abuse, and he will be angry at what he will say are the "lies" I have written about him. He will also be angry that I have told his "secrets" about his mental health problems and his behaviour.

Worse than that is that I will have to read the statement he writes about me. I cannot face doing this as I know it will contain a lot of untruth and hurtful things. I feel like telling my solicitor not to pass it on to me as I just don't want to deal with this.

All this has made me realise that even at a distance he still has a hold over me and I am still worried about making him angry and upset even after all he has done to us. How can I get over this? I know it is wrong and comes from years of conditioning but I hate feeling like this and I hate it that he is still controlling me even though we have got away from him.

Any words of wisdom?

There are much wiser women here who, I am sure will be along in a minute, but I just wanted to say that you seem very alone, and I am sure that you do not have to be.
Have you and the children had any counseling for the trauma you have been through? That would be my first stop.
Also, do not open your ex's statement on your own. Get your solicitor to read it for you and talk you through your options.

On your own, you'll feel frightened because, you're absolutely right, that's how you've been taught to behave after so many years of abuse. But you're not on your own now... look who's in your corner. Solicitor, police, medical examiners all backing you up. Family? Friends? The mighty coalition forces that are the MN community!!! And who is in his corner? Precisely no-one that's who. So he can fizz and bluster and write his lies and stamp his feet all he likes and it will all have zero effect on the people that actually matter. He is impotent.

I would take a deep breath, read the statement he wrote together with your solicitor onece and take pleasure in telling him/her exactly how big a pile of crap it is. Ask for a copy and set light to it.

You can't 'get over' abuse. But every day that passes you will get stronger and he will get weaker. Until one day... maybe a few years from now... you will realise you haven't thought about him at all in a very long time. Good luck. Courage!!!!

CES is right, you are not alone and everyone believes you. Men like this try to convince you that they are allpowerful when actually they are inadequate little shits. GOod luck, stay strong, you're doing great.

The police where this happened believed him and not us. He was friends with local policeman, well known in local community and works in a position of trust. Police down here believe us though but could not prosecute because it did not happen in the same county. He did a real number on the police where we used to live and convinced them that it was all "revenge" by a bitter jealous woman and I had turned the children against him out of spite. He is very convincing and plausiable and probably comes across better than I do as I get a bit anxious sometimes. I put in a complaint to the police but it had no effect.

Thank you all though. I do feel very alone with all this and I don't like to burden people with it all especially as I am trying to build a normal life here and it is difficult to mention this sort of thing to people. I have started counselling recently again but it is a fortnight between sessions due to finance so I have a few wobbles in between! Thank you all for replying.

I am going to remember some of your phrases - "fizz and bluster" and "inadequate little shit" ring very true!

Just remember that a pint of evidence is worth a quart of influence. Some idiot local copper might be easily impressed with a pack of lies but that will not mean a thing against things like medical evidence.

As Cogito has said, ask your solicitor to make an appointment for you to read his statement - or for him/her to read it to you - in their office when it's received.

You are forearmed in that you already know that it's going to be a pack of lies from a controlling and abusive twunt who's determined to hurt and wound you as much as possible.

Ask your solicitor to give you a copy of his statement in a sealed envelope and either ceremonially set fire to it as soon as you get home, or convey some or all the content to us so that we can reduce it to ashes for you.

Thanks everyone. I think my self-confidence is just shot to bits at the moment and I am finding it hard to stay focussed on the positive, so the support is really helpful.

yup sounds familiar.

and you might get a judge who also sees "bitter ex"...

but - good solicitor to go thru the statement and see where you can refute with hard evidence.
see a counsellor - you dont want to be paying solicitor for that - so you can let it out safely .

remember that his anger is his problem
he gets angry in court - well plenty witnesses there.

however, do be aware that courts wll see contact with father as important so it is essential you/solicitor have lines to trot out about accepting some indirect contact initially, then supported contact with a family therapist, supervised contact with proposed person etc, etc.

i have court order for supervised contact but that has been hard to implement for dds as no person they trust who he accepts; (he has been seeing DS who is special needs more regualrly with supervision) there has been limited contact in public places which up to now was ok but last week in a cafe he flipped, (over some minor thing) telling dds in front of me that "your mother is abusive" etc etc...dds cried and ran off...and text msgs accusing etc which i ignore...

exp agreed to meeting with his GP for some disclosure over his MH issues, GP was persuasive about how stable he was, we agreed to referral to family therpaist for dds and him to move forward. so i have now written to GP asking about status of referral and saying concerns about last week...dds very anxious this week as he plans to turn up to their gym class as tho nothing has happened . (public place cant stop him at this point )

anyway i do sympathise
stay strong, calm, dont take on his anger, and use support like a counsellor thru this as well as solicitor
and MN

and be prepared for a judge to see him as daddy who just wants to see his children so be prepared to have to agree to some pathway of indirect contact leading to supported etc . but with full reviews and family therpaist child psycholiogist support...

The truth will bear you out.

You do know that you can call WA anytime you feel the need to talk to someone don't you? Or Respect? They are a govt funded organisation, set up to help perpetrators redeem themselves, but unsurprisingly they don't get much 'trade' apparently... They are EXPERTS at advising how to deal with perpetrators.

Have you tried to get on the Freedom Programme? It's free and runs for 12 weeks. I found it very helpful in providing a RL support at the time and a great place to sound stuff out among others that know what you are talking about.

Basically, wrt the court, expect the Ex to use every trick in the book. Go in there with a BRING IT ON mentality.

All YOU need to do is stick to the facts. All YOU need to do is tell the truth. Stay calm, stay focussed. Do you have a WA outreach worker/DV police support person? Can you try and get some support like that?