Need some good mumsnet advice for a tortoise & Hare...

[Shellywelly1973]

I've been with my partner for 13 years.I have DS22& DS20 from previous relationship DS has left home DD lives with us. 3 DC together, DD10, DS7& DS3. DS7 is Autistic/ADHD/SPD.

The problem is my partner is very passive/lazy/removed...difficult to describe him!!! eg. He works rotating shifts, last week he was working 3.30pm til 1.30am, for 7 days he didn't see DC. Basically got up ,ate ,went to work, came home watched TV, went to bed...all week. Even if he is here, unless i give him direct instructions he will do nothing apart from watch TV or go on the lap top.

He has no idea how to deal DS with SN or DD10. The only one he interacts with is 3 yr old.
He was better with DS&DD when they were younger but seems less able to deal with them as they get older.
Our relationship has become very stale, no sex life(due to me,not him).
We dont share any intreasts. So we have no social life, shared friends etc.
Hes not a bad person but he is disengaged from the family. Takes no responsibility for anything. He earns decent money but i have my own business so he just gives me a set amount of money per month but never buys anything for kids, uniforms etc. He pays for holidays.

Im far from perfect, i'm moany, short tempered, move at 100mph all day, every day, clean freak and very sarcastic. We are like the tortoise and the hare...lol.

Part of me thinks, he's not a bad person, does nothing wrong&at he isn't a drinker/gambler/ wife beater/ cheater...
Another part of me says this man dosn't engage with me or kids. He is emotionally removed and offers no support at any level. He let me down terribly with DS7, when son was diagnosed, he didn't even come home from work, I went by myself.

I've tried talking to him, to the point of crying in frustration but he wont answer my questions or talk to me, so i don't bother now, its not worth upsetting myself.

So anyway, what i want from you lot is advice- should i belt up and be grateful for what i've got? or do you get where i'm coming from? Should i stop wasting my time call it a day and move on?

Do you think he has ASD traits himself? (Lack of empathy, quite self sufficient etc) Or is he depressed or exhausted from the shift work? Not excuses for his behaviour but possibly reasons...can you identify exactly what it is he doesn't do that you want/need him to so you can be specific about what you expect from him? Do you think that would help?

I have considered ASD, but i think his behaviour is a learnt way of coping. DP had rough childhood. DV &his DM was an alcoholic, he learnt to keep his head down and to never confront.
He has always worked shifts, since he left school. I am very specific in what i want him to do, so i told him today i wanted im to pick DS3 up from nursery or he would have stayed in bed till 12.30-1 pm. Hes on a rest day.
I used to be very vague and say things like 'can you help out' but i realised he cant grasp what that actually means...for some strange reason!
Thats what i struggle with, i need to tell him every little thing, it feels like instructing one of the kids!
Even when i had very severe PND, he ignored it. I was suicidal, spent 2 years on meds but we have never had a conversation about it. We have never had a conversation about my sons dx. He has never attended an appointment at GOSH, CAMHs, school etc.Though i told him, asked him, begged at one point for him to come with me. They presumed i was a single parent! He just ignores everything, so what do you do when you need the other person to repond but either cant or wont?

not sure what to suggest, it must be very hard for you. My DS has asd and i'm in charge of all the appts etc that go with that, but if I ask DH to come (usually just for annual statement review) to give me moral support he always makes time to attend.

Maybe joint counselling would help to open the lines of communication between you? What would he say if you said his behaviour was becoming a dealbreaker and you were considering ending it?

I think that's the conversation we need to have. He's fine as long as I ask nothing from him. I'm a control freak so in a lot of respects,it suited me.
Its like its sort of hit me,all this time has passed&I've spent the last 4yrs dealing with Ds 7issues&I've managed to get a lot done,even though it was by myself. I just think I need to get a grip on everything else now. Dd10&Ds3 need more time&attention
Its time to start living,not just managing day to day...

Good luck shelly

Thanx...its weird writing all this stuff down&reading it back. If I was reading this I would tell me to end the relationship but its harder then that in RL. I don't have any close friends any more to talk to&family wouldnt understand even if I told them. They all still think he's a great bloke as I had 2kids when I met him