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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh erectile dysfunction, I feel so lonely and lost....

24 replies

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 09:41

Dh has erectile dysfunction and I feel so lonely, as im sure he does.

It has been part of us since we have been together and we have always beleived it will get better. We have been to a sex therapist and finished on a good note, with both of us taking the emphasis off his erections and satisfying each other sexually other ways.

In theary this sounds great, but I am still always the one who has to initiate it and great he will give me an orgasam (sorry I don't know how to spell it!) but the times he wants me to satisfy him are getting less and less, weeks ago now since I did.

What I find the problem is that we have NEVER connected sexually and we are still not.

I have tried everything with him, sexy underware, watching porn, asking him to share fantacys, pressured him to see a councellor on his own and then with me, but there is this big part of our relationship that I feel is missing.

Everything has come from me to try and change things, I feel I can't do anymore now, but the thought of never connecting with anyone sexually for the rest of my life scares me. But I love him, what to do what to do??

OP posts:

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 09:48

bump

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/05/2012 10:08

Has he been checked out medically? Erectile dysfunction is often linked with certain physical conditions and can be treated.

doormat · 02/05/2012 10:13

cant he pleasure you..there are many other ways, without penetration that he can well yano do the biz for you...

if he feels under pressure it is going to make him worse

as cogito says he may need a check up

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 10:15

Yes he has been checked out medically, I asked him to go to the doctors and fair play he did.

He has lived with this all his life, I am the first proper relationship he has had and he is 46 now, he was 37 when we got together. I really belived I could be the woman that changed it for him. Its so sad, but I just don't understand him and sex at all. I wondered if he was abused when he was young, but he said no.

I feel there is nothing more I can do now, when the therapy ended it was quite sad as I always held that as the thing that would really work, now I feel I either except it or not be togther, but I love him.

OP posts:

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 10:20

God yes doormat, I totally agree with you that if there is pressure it makes it worse. In the early days I used to pressure him, but only in the very early days.

There is no pressure now from me at all, I just tell him I love him. But if I don't gently ask to be close to him, we would spend the whole weekend hardly touching. He works away during the week.

Yes he can pleasure me and I do ask him to, but just be in my shoes for a moment and think about you being totally turned on and enjoying yourself, while the person doing it to you is not turned on at all, doesn't want you to try and turn him on. You are not SHARING intimacy, it is one sided.

OP posts:

doormat · 02/05/2012 10:30

i do understand gemitygem that it can be seen as one sided pleasure wise and i totally understand what you are going through but imo intimacy is alot more than penetration...i find that cuddling on the couch, saying sweet nothings, stroking etc is imtimate...yet my dh isnt interested in any of it at all...my dh has lost his sex drive completely..it has gone..so i do understand what you are going through...my dh wont even cuddle me anymore and it hurts so much...

i feel like i am undergoing "enforced celibacy"

its painful emotionally

i diddnt want to hijack your thread and apologies but just to let you know i do understand..xxx

abitcoldupnorth · 02/05/2012 10:32

I'm assuming he's tried all the usual Viagra, etcc?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/05/2012 10:40

He's not gay, is he? Having met a surprising number of gay men recently that were previously married with children it's top of mind.

HereIGo · 02/05/2012 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 10:46

I feel for you doormat, why wont he cuddle you? Thanks for understanding, its horrible. I am pleased that dh will cuddle ect and I know he loves me too. It just does nothing for me not being able to SHARE sex with someone, I want to get turned on WITH my husband.

He is not egar to try viagra, I have suggested it many a time during our 8 years together. He says his problem is psycological not physical, which is true. I can't help thinking that if I was him, I would have taken viagra 8 years ago. I could ask him again, but then I have lead in ALL of this and I can't keep for my own self esteem and for him asking him to try something else.

OP posts:

doormat · 02/05/2012 10:52

gem because he has lost all sex drive etc but i am more concerned in just letting you know that i understand..

as for the viagra option..8yrs is a long time to be in discussions with it...so he must have his mind set on being against ...but at the same time i feel he is being a little selfish but if it is a psychologial issue maybe counselling. psychiatry could help...i feel for both of you hugs sweetheart xxx

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 10:55

He says he is not gay. Whilst trying to enjoy his fantacies with him he said he likes fat women and dwarfs. I tried to join him in exploring his fat women fantacy but that didn't work. I am a bit more worried about the dwarf one, but he hasn't spoken of this since so might have been a passing fantacy.

He masterbates so its definately not physical, he just can't when he is with me.

I am kind of seeing it as a loss now, as I really cannot be in the driving seat to get more help as a couple. I have done everything to try and improve this for him and me, all of it has come from me. I think he understands what he could be misssing in a physical relationship, but he doesn't do anything off his own back to change it.

Yes he will do stuff to turn me on and satisfy me if I ask, but I have to ask and he gets nothing sexually from it, so it is starting to put me off wanting it. We do not connect in this way.

OP posts:

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 10:57

Thanks doormat. We cuddle because of the problem from time to time, thats as far as the connection goes. Thank you for letting you know you understand.

What are you going to do doormat?? xxx

OP posts:

doormat · 02/05/2012 11:05

hang on in there whether it is a lost cause or not xxx

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 11:15

Really? That is admriable, I don't know if I could do that. I feel I am denying myself of something that is very important to me, but then I haven't got the guts to do anything about it at mo as I love dh. God its such a horrible situation.

He loves me, that is special and I have had his children, again something I will never get with someone else, whilst that part of my life is there, I feel there is a whole part of my life missing, however small that part may be.

To feel desired in a loving realtionship is something I have not had since my first romance at 15! I have never had it with dh. But then my first boyfriend was a bit of a shit. Maybe in life you can't have it all.

I just have a problem accepting that.

OP posts:

doormat · 02/05/2012 11:20

i totally agree and have private msged you..check ya inbox xxx

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 11:23

Wow I have never had a private message before!!! Where is my in box, sorry if that sounds thick! xx

OP posts:

doormat · 02/05/2012 11:25

up the top of the page...above the advert lol x

knowotumean · 02/05/2012 12:03

test

Listmaker · 02/05/2012 12:12

I think you could try the viagra or cialis line again. When I met my DH he had a few problems and it really helped - precisely because it wasn't physical but all in his head and the pills take that away........

Could be worth getting the facts on these medical interventions and asking him again?

It really helped us and after 6 months or so we didn't need them anymore as DH's confidence had grown and he has been fine since........

knowotumean · 02/05/2012 12:13

OP I feel for you-its shit.

I'm in similar position but still attending couples counselling.

Totally love my DH too but feeling totally hopeless about it all too. I have just come to the conclusion that I feel sick to death of going to counselling and sitting there racking my brains about what I can do to make things better as part of the couple when I don't feel the problem lies with me! AGHGHHHGHGGGGHHHH

as you can see I have nothing constructive to add other than I feel for you and you're not alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/05/2012 12:32

"Maybe in life you can't have it all."

A functioning sex-life is hardly 'having it all', it's basic and it's clearly important to you or you wouldn't be bothered. My concern is that you've tolerated the problem from Day #1 of your relationship (rather than it being a problem that has developed at a later date), you seem to think you're not worthy of anything better and that you haven't felt desired since age 15. I find that extremely sad.

Original poster

gemitygem · 02/05/2012 13:04

Cogito, I do realise what you are saying, but you can't help who you fall in love with. OK yes I did put up with the problem from day 1, but I was promised that it would improve and the other parts of the realtionship masked the problem as they were so good. I ironically got pregant very quickly within the first year, this then masked the problem again. I then got pregnant again 4 months later as we really wanted another child and the sex worked only sometimes so we decided not wait around.

This again masked the problem. Dh could put it down to me being pregnant that he didn't want to do it and told me the problem will improve after the pregnancy.

Our 2nd child was ill the first year and we also moved house and had alot going on obviously with 2 children under 2. This again masked the problem.

My dream in life ever since I was a little girl was to have 4 children, dh was agreeable. So we then went for our 3rd, dh then blamed the problem on too much pressure to perform cause we were trying to get pregnant and it will get better once we are not trying, but I again fell pregnant very quickly.

Then again with our 4th. So now our 4th is nearly 2, its just me and dh now, we don't need to have sex to have a baby so the problem can't be masked by anything. Thats why I suggested sex therapy, now we have our lovely family, we love each other, got our house ect we could concentrate on our sex life as I have been promised through out that it will improve, but it hasn't....

It is now that I am feeling like I am worth more, but I had all these children with dh knowing the problem. That is why I can't just walk away.

OP posts:

abitcoldupnorth · 02/05/2012 13:28

I really think he needs to consider at least trying Viagra, for your sake, for his sake, for your marriage!

It sounds like he just hasn't taken on board how much it's affecting you.

if it were me, I would be saying that if he hasn't even tried the most successful treatment for erectile dysfunction ever invented, he's really not trying hard enough.

(btw, my DH has the same problem, caused by injuries from a car accident, and has been on Viagra over 10 years. I know how difficult it was for him to even go to his GP, but it's been a hugely important factor in our marriage - 3 children for starters )

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